All I can think about today is the past weekend, so much happened my mind is spinning. I needed to force myself into a long run to help me think through it all. As soon as I accepted my spot in the class of 2015 at Boston University, I put myself on an immediate travel ban. I have a habit of picking up and leaving whenever invited ... and it's expensive. I've also decided not to lay any roots in Chicago that I can't leave behind ... a boyfriend. This past weekend, I lifted both bans. I impromptu booked a flight to visit someone I've had the most complicated history with. We've been good friends ... forever. Almost dated quite a few times, and been in horrible situations to start a relationship all of them. We went to two different colleges, he joined the marines, I was in consulting, one thing after another that was always just enough to make dating a bad idea. I'm not really sure how, but we always stayed pretty good friends. One thing led to another and I broke my travel ban, flew away and stayed for a weekend. I haven't felt that magnetic-don't-want-to-walk away feeling in so long. I was describing the weekend to one of my friends at work, "We stayed in and relaxed, we saw a movie, went out to lunch, went on a walking tour, stayed out drinking, went to church..." Nothing extraordinary, but I was so happy. I woke up Sunday morning to him bringing me breakfast in bed with two cups of coffee. "Sugar in the raw and cinnamon?" I miss being around thoughtful people. I never told him that, he just listened the last time I ordered it.
When he jumped in the shower, I started perusing facebook to see what was going on, and there it was. 1 New Message. From: Ex boyfriend first name, Ex boyfriend last name. All I could think, did he know where I was? Does he have this "she's starting to be happy without me" intuition? I'm sure he wouldn't have contacted me unless he had something insightful to say, so I opened it. "Hi." That's it. I tried explaining my last relationship to my Marine who I was staying with, and the only way I could put it is that he was my best friend for four years, and we cared about each other a lot, but we never fell in love. Somehow after we broke up, we ended up in this push and pull that I was actively choosing to end. But I felt like I was playing a game of ping pong with 17 balls now. I'm so glad that I'm dating in a world where to cut off your ex you need to block him on: your phone, your facebook, linked in, all four emails, and I'm sure there is something else I'm missing that will surprise me later ... Oh yeah, then I have to worry about seeing him in person. We live down the street from each other, and we work an hour and a half away in buildings next door to each other.
This is one of the hardest runs I've had. I made a decision in the beginning to run three miles, and not stop when I got tired but to stop when I was done. I had to start breathing through my mouth I was so tired, something I know is a no no for running, but I felt like I wasn't getting any air into my body. I couldn't stop the wheels from turning in my mind, I was so happy and so frustrated at the same time. I couldn't think about either guy, because I thought I may pass out and fall off the treadmill, so I tried to breathe in every three steps and out every three steps. This is a trick someone taught me to help me pace myself and not breathe so heavily I'm going to pass out.
Right now I'm just trying to be careful... which is probably why I put myself on the dating ban in the first place, but I'm happy I lifted it. As soon as I finished this run I felt a wave of achievement ... I'm not done making myself happy in the boyfriend department, but I'm not stopping because I'm tired I'm going to stop when I'm done.
19 Miles Down 231 Miles To Go
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