My Daughter Lives in Boston

Another four miles, and it's starting to feel like nothing.  Someone told me recently, "You never really get mad ... What is your outlet?"  Sometimes ... It's chips, but mostly now it's running.  I've even started getting a lot of compliments on my legs, which is weird but appreciated.

I had a weird thing happen to me today.  My dad was telling me a story ... as he frequently does ... He wore his "Boston Red Sox" hat at work on a Friday.  Someone came up to him and started hassling him because he's supposed to be a Chicago Cubs fan.  Telling him he shouldn't be wearing that hat unless he had been to Boston and sat in the big green monster of Fenway Park.  He looked at the guy and said, "My daughter lives in Boston.  She took me to Fenway, where I bought this hat."

Holy *&^%.  I live in Boston.  It doesn't feel drastically different than Chicago.  Sometimes I honestly can't even believe I live here.  I haven't even been here a month yet ... I saw an email on my phone today from Pepsi.  Asking me to apply to a job in the suburbs of Chicago.  I realized that if I hadn't changed my life from the path it was on ... I could be working for a company in the suburbs with a boyfriend I didn't really want to be with.  I'm so happy I changed my whole life, as hard as it was it is worth it.  Because today I am living in Boston, getting an MBA, and making more friends than I did in the two years I lived in Chicago.

195 Miles Down 120 Miles To Go

Don't Accept Clutter

A body in motion stays in motion ... A body at rest lays by the pool and occasionally flips.  That is exactly what I've been doing.  I've had problems lately like "I can't get sunscreen on my back, so I had to go out and buy spray sunscreen." or "I can't finish my beer laying on my stomach and my back is already tanner than my front."  Sometimes it's so refreshing to worry about silly small things like tanning and deciding between pizza or a hot dog.

Lately I've started to notice a separation between my good friends.  The ones that realize I'm moving, and the ones that don't.  (I realize how selfish that statement sounds...) I just want to see everyone before I go, and it's odd to see my friends split into these two groups.  I have some friends that want to see me all the time, and go out all the time and have a great summer.  Some of them ... go in early because they're tired, or make the silliest excuses.  I know that I handle this type of change differently than most people.  I want to soak up as much of Chicago and my friends and family here until I can't anymore because I live next door to Fenway Park instead of Wriggley.  I'm starting to realize who I am going to really miss.

I'm also realizing that this happens with dating ... As soon as I say that I'm going to school in another state everything fizzles.  And I'm not complaining that this is a bad thing, just noticing that it happens.  I'm not sure I'd want to try to date someone long distance unless I was already very close to them.  I don't like being in a situation and wondering if things would be different if I were staying here.  I think it's going to take me actually moving to get over that feeling though.  I was seeing someone a little, and I haven't seen him in a month.  We still keep in touch, but I hate the feeling that I'm chasing a boy.  I think it may be time to let that one rest.

The past few weeks, I've been focusing largely on eliminating one problem from my life: clutter.  I fully admit, I am a bit of a hoarder.  I have six coffee creamer containers on my counter because I may see something cute on pinterest one day.  I have thirty food magazines just incase I want to look for a recipe.  My closet is bursting full, and I have roughly seventeen blankets littering my apartment.  So this week, I threw away the coffee containers.  If I do eventually make a craft, I will have craft clutter, which will be more annoying than empty container clutter.  I cut out some recipes I thought I'd want, and ditched the magazines.  I have three garbage bags full of clothes to donate.  As it turns out, I love empty space!  I love it!  I love seeing an empty shelf ... I love seeing the floor.  I love the space in my closet, and the fact that I don't feel pressured to make pieces of clothes work that I don't really want to wear.

So ... I started thinking, if removing stuff I don't need, why can't I do this with other things?  I have some friends who I do things I hate doing just to see.  For example, spend a ton of money on a fancy meal that I didn't really want to eat.  Go see movies I don't really want to see.  Spend time doing things I don't actually want to do.  Why do we do these things?  It's time to cut out the crap.  I'm going to carve out more time to run because I loved doing it.  Well I didn't love doing it, but I loved being done with a long run, and it's been two weeks!

I also think this works with dating.  My college ex is back in Chicago ... Ah!  So I got dinner with him again, and he did something that frustrates me.  He paid for it.  I am uncomfortable with guys that I am dating doing this, but my exboyfriend doing it is even worse ... So after we had dinner, he asked me to dinner again.  And I said no.  The conversation quickly spiraled into ...

Him: "Please forgive me if I ask you to dinner again."
Me: "I'm not comfortable with you paying."
Him: "You're a student.  Get over it"
Me: "No.  I can pay for myself and I prefer to."
Him: "Tough cookies."
Me: "This is not a debate.  I will pay for myself or I am busy."
Him: "So sorry our schedules didn't work out."

Are exboyfriends clutter?  I was so happy once I got over him that I wasn't with him anymore.  He was constantly forcing me to be something I didn't want to be.  It happen subtly ... "I like when you don't wear t-shirts." "Why don't you go to the gym?" "Don't eat McDonalds." "Wear your hair in a ponytail." I trusted him, so I didn't notice it.  But the truth is, I hate being around people that won't let me be me.  Friends or someone I'm dating.  I think in the past I would have just gone back to my ex because he was there and "chasing" me.  I would have forgot about the guy who I actually liked.  When I know neither of those outcomes are what I would have picked.

So it's time to declutter my life a little bit more, and turn down things I don't want.

127 Miles Down 123 Miles To Go
4 Bikram Yogas

Everything is Nothing

Everything happens for a reason.  Everything happens for a reason.  Everything happens for a reason.  I'm not going to Africa.  The trip ended up costing much more than I anticipated, and I'm just not sure it's a good idea to spend that much.  I envy people who don't ever worry about money.  I guess this is just part of "putting myself through school."  I am trying not to think too much into this, because I'm still going to have two months off work.  I'm going to San Antonio, Minneapolis, and possibly Ft. Lauderdale.  I'm also going to live in Chicago for the first time in five years (despite the fact that my apartment has always been here).

When I called my dad to tell him he said, "You're deciding between two amazing options for the summer.  Either way you'll enjoy yourself."  I am starting to think that backing out of the trip because it got too expensive will give me more flexibility to see my family and friends more before I disappear into the black hole of graduate school.

Sometimes I'm really happy with everything that is going on in my life.  I'm getting ready to go back to graduate school, I have a great job, and awesome friends.  Other times, I see my friends buying houses, getting married, and starting families and I wonder if I would be happier doing that.  All my friends from small towns in Indiana are married and already starting families.  All my friends in Chicago are living like they are still in fraternities.  I think I am somewhere in the middle, and I just haven't found even ground yet.  It's kind of odd how when I look at them, I feel like I'm missing that.  When I talk to them, they sometimes seem jealous I can live downtown, go on trips, and have the freedom to pick up move across the country and start graduate school.  I think today I just had one of those moments where I realized, I'm glad I'm making some serious changes in my life because it needs them.

116 Miles Down 134 Miles To Go

Timing and Manatees

Today I was so frustrated thinking about this whole Recycling business, that I went to bikram yoga again.  90 minutes of stretching, thinking, trying to breathe, and this time just trying not to pass out and faceplant.  I've decided to revise my theory on recycling.  I do think that sometimes the relationship is right, but the timing is not.  I believe that can happen.  But I think recycling is dangerous, because people expect the other person to change.  And I really believe that they won't.  Seeing my ex from college again made me realize how much I missed having that crazy spark and can't-be-without-you feeling.  But I know that's not all there is to a marriage.  I've been told before you need to agree on three things to have a good relationship: Money, Sex and Kids.  People who get divorced always have one two or all of those things at the center of it.  So ... I think that recycling is only a bad idea if you think the other person will change. If you have learned to accept each other the way you are, and are happy with that it's not such a bad thing.  Maybe sometimes people need time to grow up before they realize what they really want.  After spending four years with someone who was indefinitely indecisive, my stomach twists into knots when I hear someone say "maybe."  I didn't realize that I wanted someone who was going to be so forward until I got so frustrated with the opposite.

So now, he's invited me to visit him in Florida.  I can't decide if it's a good idea or not.  While it feels so good to reconnect with someone who knew me so well, I don't want to forget about all the things that I haven't missed.  I also don't want to start falling for someone living in Florida, when I'm on my way to Boston.  I'm trying to be cautious and not over think it.  I just want to go have fun, but not do anything stupid by going.  Somehow naturally all these old feelings sort of start to come back to you, but I'm not sure if its something to ignore or something to pay attention to yet.  

I may go though ... because I really really really want to swim with manatees, which is right by his house... And I think Florida would be a fun sunny vacation ...

87 Miles Down 193 Miles To Go

2 Bikram Yogas

Recycling is Bad?

Since I've stopped eating vegan, runs have been so much tougher.  I didn't realized how much what you eat affects how you feel and performance.  I have decided to do my best to stop buying non vegan food, and keep those vegan meals around!  Needless to say, today was a rough three miles and I had a lot to think about.

I had dinner with an ex last night.  (Not the most recent one, but one from college).  He is in town for work and wanted to get dinner and catch up.  We dated for two years in college, and I loved that kid.  He was an a$$, but I didn't care.  I'm not sure why girls let this happen ... but we date the a$$hole as long as he pampers us.  It's funny how when you become single, ex's resurface that you haven't seen or heard from in years.  And this one is probably the only one I really loved.  We spent 24/7 together, basically lived together, and were even joking about who would be in our wedding party.  Then he got accepted to school in London, and the timing was just not right.  Six years later (now) he reappeared out of the blue in my city for dinner, and it was actually pretty good to see him after all that time.

After one good "catching up" dinner, he wanted to meet up again before he left to go home to Florida.  I know these are not "dates" but it's really hard to have dinner with someone you've only ever dated and never been just friends with.  Now all I can think about is what I like to call recycling.  (Dating the ex.)  I was such a mess after we broke up, that I swore him off.  I had such a good time seeing him again though, that I want to make sure I've sworn him off for the right reasons.  I'm already seeing big red flags that dating again would be a catastrophe.  For starters ... He lives in Florida.  His sister does his laundry.  He works late every night and on Saturdays.  I know people grow up and things about them change change, but one thing I learned from my previous ex is no one really changes.  I'm going to keep this all in my mind when I see him tomorrow.  I feel old now that dating has changed from "he's nice and buying me a drink" to asking questions like "Is he a workaholic?" "Will I still like him in 10 years?" "Is he going to pay enough attention to me and spoil me the way I want to be?"  "Does he want kids?"  Those aren't exactly conversation starters ...

87 Miles Down 193 Miles To Go

The Religion Thing

There is something I've been trying to avoid completely that keeps creeping back up.  Church.  I feel like it's such a taboo subject because people are so strong willed in whatever they believe that it's so easy to offend someone.  I'm a cradle catholic (grew up catholic), and never really questioned anything.  Catholic school ... Church twice a week ... My dad even has more pictures of Jesus in the family room than his kids.  I never really questioned it until I went on a trip to El Salvador last year.  After my ex and I broke up, I spent quite a bit of time moping around living off Ben & Jerrys and Jacks frozen pizza.  A friend invited me out to an art show at her church.  As I was looking through the artwork I saw some photos of small children in those black and white pictures.  Sort of like the kind you see on TV when that song is playing in the background (I believe there are angels among us ... ).  I asked her who took those photos, and she said they were from a service trip to El Salvador.  I signed up a week later.

I spent a week working side by side the people who lived in the small town of El Progresso.  The twenty something of us from the U.S. geared up rode a pick up truck through the streets (dirt paths) of El Progresso (El Salvador) to our work site where we made a road.  I joined the trip to try to think about anything other than my recent break up, and while I was there I found myself thinking about religion again for the first time in years.  I went on the trip to get myself out of the break up rut that I was in, I found myself leaving feeling refreshed and ready to get out of my pajamas and pizza black hole.

I'm not sure when I stopped, but I stopped going to church.  Life got in the way somehow with my traveling job, and hectic schedule.  I've spent the past year trying to slowly get back into church and figuring out how I really feel about this whole religion thing.

84 Miles Down 196 Miles To Go

The Suburbian Triangle

I ran four consecutive eight minute miles.  I have never been so excited.  Except the problem now is that I'm barely running!  It only took me a little over half an hour ... when this use to take me a full hour (10 min walk warm up, three 10 min miles, and 10 minute cool down).  Now all I need to do is push past the four mile run.  

All I could think about today is moving to Boston!  This past weekend I went out and picked an apartment, did a history tour, got some fancy italian food, famous cannoli's, and even saw a game at the big green monster (Fenway).  I fricking love this city.  I've always loved Chicago, but it's never really been mine.  I feel like up until this point the past five years have all been typical.  I've come "home" to where my family is, I've got a job in consulting, I've moved downtown.  I've done all the things my good friend refers to as the "suburbian triangle life".  You grow up in the suburbs, go away to college, come home and move downtown, meet someone, marry and move back to the suburbs.  I know so many people doing this.  There is nothing wrong with this path, but I am just now starting to realize it isn't mine.  I don't know anyone in Boston, I don't have any family members who have gone back full time to get an MBA, and it'll be mine.

Seeing so closely the next step has put quite a bit in perspective.  I'm starting to feel like the timer has been turned upside down, the race is on!  Just like my mile pace, my life is moving quick.

I've also scheduled mental health day ... and I'm going to run, do yoga, shop, and read a book.  I can not wait to have some time to myself to unwind.

81 Miles Down 169 Miles To Go

Plateaus

Vegan week was an amazing success.  I feel healthier, more energized, happier, and I'm going to keep this lifestyle.  I'm going to keep eating mostly vegan (probably with the occasional cheese or egg) in my house, and try to stay vegetarian when I leave.  I also had something very exciting happen to me this week.  The weight on my drivers license ... is no longer a lie.  I weigh the same amount I did in high school.  For the first time since then.  Plus I have muscles (because I decided not to be skinny fat and its working!).  I haven't even had cheetos in weeks.  There was a situation a couple months ago, where I walked by the vending machine and saw two co workers.  One of them said to the other "Are you pulling a Kim?" ... "Getting 2:00 PM cheetos".  I realized that I needed to change my habits then, so I switched to baked cheetos.  As it turns out, that wasn't what I needed.  What I needed was a piece of fruit.  I feel like lately I've plateaued.  I'm lukewarm happy.  I'm anticipating all these changes, but I'm not happy with what I'm doing in the mean time.

Today I went into work ... with my packed lunch box.  After driving an hour and a half.  I opened excel and turned on the iridescent light.  Four hours later ... nothing had changed except that my coffee was gone.  I realized that I've been working without any days off four three months straight.  I'm going internally stir crazy.  I think I need a mental health day ... Or a mental health week.  I am looking at yoga retreats ... I think I'll start with a mental health day, and take it from there ...

77 Miles Down 173 Miles To Go

Vegan Success and Focusing on the New

Day 2 of the Vegan Trial = Another day of massive success.  I still feel alert, happy, and full all day.  I had another day of delicious food with a new recipe for dinner.

This is not my picture ... but her's really does the meal justice:

Quinoa Risotto with Coconut Milk Mushrooms and Saffron

http://kblog.lunchboxbunch.com/2010/08/almond-coconut-quinoa-risotto-saffron.html

One thing I'm noticing is that I'm not "hungry" or "full" anymore.  I just enjoy eating, eat the correct proportion and then stop.  I stay full and in between I snack on oranges or bananas mostly out of boredom.  Today I felt so amazing and energized that I ran five miles.  I ran my first mile at 7:30, which I have never done before.  I remember in high school running the mile for gym class, and at the time I was in my peak athletic condition.  I would use my inhaler (popular kid alert) and run my little heart out and the fastest I ever came in was an 8:30 mile.

I think I've been feeling so great that I stepped outside my comfort zone and did something I was trying not to do ... I asked a guy out.  Something I rarely do ... but we had been talking and have a lot in common.  Plus I've had a little bit of a crush on him since last summer.  And he said in a nice way "but you're moving." Ugh.  I'm not sure why with some people I see these restrictions and with others I don't.  I have told just about every other guy that has asked me out the same excuse he was just telling me, but thinking about him it didn't bother me so much.  I'm not sure what it is that makes your just want to run up to someone and hug them when you see them vs. wanting to dodge eye contact and make excuses, but I wish I could figure it out.  I haven't really had that feeling where I wanted to ask someone out in a very long time ... So I'm glad I acted on it.  I'm pretty sure life will never slow down enough for it to be a good time for me to start a relationship so I'm going to try to not let it get in the way of that when I think that may happen.  Time to shift the focus to building the new.

74 Miles Down 176 Miles To Go

Living in the Present as a Vegan

Vegan Day 1 = Huge Success.  I loved all my meals today.  I felt full all day, and I had more energy than I've had in a long time.  I'm posting every recipe, because I didn't know vegans could eat well until I found this blog.  Everything is so flavorful and I lost that sluggish lethargic feeling I can sometimes get in my normal life.  It's funny how what you eat can have such a huge affect not only on your body but on your mood.

Breakfast: Tofu Kale Spinach Burrito

http://kblog.lunchboxbunch.com/2011/06/vegan-breakfast-burrito-fun-with-daiya.html

Lunch: Mac and Cheese & Cinnamon Cookies

http://kblog.lunchboxbunch.com/2013/04/boxed-vegan-mac-cheez-gone-fancy-easy.html

Dinner: Mango Avocado Basil Wrap

http://kblog.lunchboxbunch.com/2012/07/thats-wrap-peach-basil-avocado-balsamic.html

I even had one of my best runs today.  Four miles, and I barely noticed them.  The problem I'm having now is making time to run all these extra miles (good problems!!).  I think that I need to start applying this method to my regular life.  Stop putting things into it that are affecting me negatively.  I need to weed out all the people who make me unhappy, and stop putting myself in any situations where I'm unhappy with how it affects me.  I started going to church again recently, and last weekend I officially started working daycare.  I go to church, hang out in a side room and babysit kids from 1 month to 2 years old.  I don't think there is anything that can make you more happy than little babies all running up to you hugging you.  I've also noticed as I get more involved, I'm making friends with genuinely good people.  I know it will take time for certain things in the past to settle there and no longer affect my future, but as I find more positive things to focus on in the present those things are really starting to speed up that process.  Finally ...

69 Miles Down 181 Miles to Go

Making Friends and Going Vegan

Since the last time I've run ...

One of my very best friends told me she was engaged.
One of my very best friends got a puppy.
One of my very best friends moved.
One of my very best friends got a new job.
One of my very best friends started her baby on solid food.

... Why can't I stop focusing on this?  What is going on?  I'm pushing to change all this "stuff" in my life, but I haven't found the change that makes me happy yet.  I'm still occasionally frustrated.  My friend texted me at 5:00 AM this week, "Call me as soon as you wake up!!"  My thought process went something like this: 1 - Someone is in the hospital. 2 - She's pregnant.  3 - She's engaged.  Luckily ... She's engaged!  My nose started tingling and I started getting tearey eyed.  I miss my friends.  My ex was my best friend for the four years we were together.  He listened to me on the phone, had dinner, went out for drinks, movies whatever I wanted.  Somehow I fell into this black hole of relationship land and slowly lost touch with my good platonic friends.  The last time I had friends who knew me inside and out was college, five years ago.  Holy @#%!.  I think part of the reason this happened aside from dating Maybe is because I moved to Chicago and took a traveling job.  All my college friends were dispersed across the U.S. and I barely saw them.

As soon as I moved to Chicago, I realized that life was not like the TV show "Friends".  You can't sit in a coffee shop all day, date someone new every couple weeks, and I don't recall a scene where they went to the bars (which seems like the only thing people do here).  They just hang out and get to know each other literally all the time.  Stay skinny and never go to the gym, eat and rarely cook (except Monica).  I made a lot of "friends" in the city, but none of them knew me as well as the people I lived with the four years of college.  When I'm a big fan of running and yoga, it's tough to make new ones.  You can't run behind someone or sneak up beside them and say Hi.  You also can't introduce yourself to someone next to you in bikram yoga (it's silent) or after class (everyone pretty much gets naked to change out of their soaked yoga clothes right away ... and that would be weird).  I don't work in the city so it's tough to make work friends.  I've set myself up to not make friends! What?!?!

I'm seriously considering if I want to live in a big city after school.  I do have some new living criteria: no more commuting.  Also, It's time to live somewhere that I want to know my neighbors.  For now, I can't control any of that, and its sooooo frustrating.  So I'm trying to focus on things that I can change.  I'm going to try something I've always wanted to try: going vegan.  Not permanently, but for one week.  I've occasionally gone vegetarian or only eaten fish.  Not because I have an emotional connection, but because I just feel better.  So I'm going to try to change the way I eat and see if I can't get myself feeling a little better.  One week to focus on things I can change: food!   

65 Miles Down 185 Miles To Go

Skinny Fat

It's time to make some decisions.  I've been planning and planning and waiting and waiting.  It's time to start acting.  I've been told before "Planning is everything, but plans are nothing."  I have all these ideas shaping up and grand plans on how I'm going to reshape my life.  So I'm just jumping in and making deicions.  I'm officially signed up to go to Kenya.  I'll be there 10 days.  I'm taking two months off work to refresh and travel.  I'll have an apartment for one of them ... which is either going to be an amazing idea or a really stupid one.  Now I just need to find a place to live once I get there.  The apartment searching process is such a pain in the butt that I've considered living out of a suitcase.  I started sending out roommate feelers, and so far I've heard from a guy that lives in Egypt and a girl from Lebanon.  This is going to be so different than undergrad where I went to school in a corn field with a bunch of small town Indiana kids.  They actually had a take your tractor to school day.

I feel like I'm starting to rock my career choices, but I need to get everything else in line.  My dating ban is super boring, but I'm starting to eat really healthy and spend a LOT of time working out and running.  It's amazing how much this stretch of not dating has cleared my mind.  At the same time I'm dropping weight.  Fast.  For the first time since my skiing accident the weight on my drivers licence is not a lie.  I've set a vacation, chosen a school, picked a quit date, paused relationship land, and now I will focus on my body.  It's time to get skinny hot, not just skinny fat.  Dropping weight doesn't make you rock a bikini, I want definition.  I downloaded a body builder ten week tone plan and a bunch of inspirational workout routines.  None of which I have had the courage to start, but I think it's about time.  This weekend.

62 Miles Down 188 Miles To Go

Little by Little

Today was an interesting run.  I hated things a lot less, but I did something really stupid.  I accidentally ran my regular route backwards.  I got distracted because the girl running in front of me was going really fast and had long hair.  I had a momentary burst of hair envy.  And then I noticed I missed my regular turn and I was way out of breath from running too fast.  I figured it was no big deal I'd just switch it up.  On my way back up the lake ... I found myself running in a constant wind tunnel.  For a mile and a half, which may not seem like a long time, but try not breathing for 15 minutes.  Now do it while you work out.  I tried not to say this this year, but sometimes change is bad.  At least this one was poorly timed, but I got a wonderful picture of my running path or should I say my wind tunnel.

I also realized that while I was being angry about a change (running my route backwards) I was still accomplishing a huge milestone.  I've run two marathons now.  Not nonstop, but still I've done it.  In two months.  I am running a marathon a month.  If I keep this pace up, I will be running 314.4 Miles in one year. That kills my goal.  I could also run ten marathons, 262 Miles in one year.  Either way ... I am going to do more than 250 if I keep it up, provided I have this much time in graduate school.  (Reality sinking in ...).  I'm also changing pieces of my life like crazy.  I talked to a friend about my ex, let's call him Maybe (which was pretty much the only answer I ever got from him), and disclosed that I was antsy knowing this was his last week in Chicago.  She said rather bluntly, "That's because now you know it will never happen again."  I equally hate and love her, because she knows me inside and out.  And she's right, it's over.  No "maybe" one day, no "maybe" things will change, no "maybe" we'll find a way back to each other.  And that's probably my own little personal wind tunnel, because I hate "maybe" and that is not the relationship I want to be in.

Even though I found myself in a wind tunnel, and I'm running my "marathons" in little pieces, all the things I'm doing are adding up.  My weight is dropping, I'm eating healthier and feeling better, I haven't seen my ex and soon he'll be gone, I'm leaving my job to take on an MBA, and I'm finally a real runner.  I'm already happier, and my life hasn't changed that much since I started.  I'm just more okay with it now.

56 Miles Down 194 Miles To Go

Pants Less

I'm embarrassed.  After all that bragging, and all those long runs, today I have a one mile run to show for myself.  Everything hurt today, and everything felt exhausted.  I was feeling crabby, but I forced myself to run through at least one mile before moving into something different.  While I was doing my abs workout, I noticed all the guys around me.  There were eight of us crammed into this tiny space, all doing planks and crunches.  What the hell was going on?  I think it's hilarious that we all sit at these desks all day working, and then we have to go to the gym and run in place and do sit ups in place.  Always stationary.  The whole thing sort of makes me laugh out loud, which I did and fell out of my plank.  (Losing whatever street cred I had).  We study and work like crazy these sedentary lives and then have to schedule time to go to a building and move our bodies in one place.  When I think of why I do it all, it's so that I can get a good job and make good money.  Is it all really that important?  I dislike my job ... and the money is just sitting in a bank account not being spent.  I'm saving it all so that when I get married my kids can do the same thing I'm doing.  It's kind of funny, and sometimes I wonder what the point is.  (For the record I absolutely appreciate my dad doing this for me so that I can have the life I have).  I'm not going off the deep end and quitting my job or running across the country (although that is an interesting idea ...), but I am challenging the status quo and wondering if it's what I really want or what I know.  I think that I've worked my butt off studying and in my career so that I may be able to choose what I want to do with my life.  When I went into consulting, I thought it's the most difficult job to get, and I took a job at the most difficult company to work at.  I even took the highest salary of the four job offers I had because it was the highest.  I didn't know much about working to be able to really know what I would be happiest doing, but I was narrowing down my options by rediculious criteria.  Wow ... I really hate everything today.  Like the girl in the picture says, even pants.  I'm protesting everything safely, pants-less in my locked apartment by myself under a blanket.  (Rebel...)

I know there is so much to be done in health care, and when I take my next job I want to be sure I'm getting closer to something that makes me happier.  Apparently it is not the sedentary lifestyle, or it's at least not the kind of work I'm doing today.

52 Miles Down 198 Miles To Go

Short Term and Long Term

... I can run!!  According to my surgeon, my foot basically didn't grow all the way (sort of like me ... I'm 5'1").  So it's most likely always going to hurt, but it's safe to run through the pain.  He gave me some serious anti-inflammatory medicine, and he sent me to get a "running analysis."  I think this is like a psychologist for running form.  So I put on my new Nike shoes and went for my first outdoor run.

Immediately I noticed ... outdoor runners are not treadmill runners.  They mean business, and they make it look easy.  For some reason when I run outside, it takes most of my focus and energy to look up and not stare at the ground in fear of tripping and faceplanting.  As I tried to look up at the skyline instead of down at the ground, I was getting lapped like crazy.  It took me a while to be able to focus on the Chicago skyline.  I think that's what I've been doing lately.  I'm getting so concerned with the next little steps that I haven't been able to see the bigger picture.  As soon as I was able to look forward, I got this side splitting cramp.  What is going on? Why does this happen?  I tried to just ignore it and eventually it went away, but holy crap it was miserable.  When I got back I risked receiving the news that I was dying (I looked it up on webmd).  Turns out I'm breathing to shallow, and not enough air is getting to my muscles.  I can't focus on the short and long term at the same time.  I guess I'll have to try to find some sort of balance / middle ground.

In this year of running, I have already made choices that will literally change my life.  When I approached the end of my run, I clicked my phone to check mileage and make sure I had reached a full three miles, and it returned a pace of a 9 minute mile.  I have never run three nine minute miles in a row before.

48 Miles Down 202 Miles To Go

Surgeons and Half Marathons

So ... I shouldn't be running.  I'm pretty sure my foot is still injured, and after how big of a baby I was last weekend ... I need to be off it.  There is this part to my personality that won't let me back off when someone tells me something is not possible.  It's a blessing and a curse.  Curse when my brother tells me something like "I bet you can't eat that whole three egg omelette."  Blessing when my boss says "That kind of idea isn't possible."  Every time someone says "You can't do that." I think "Challenge accepted."  And then I do it.  I think the first time I can remember someone telling me I can't do something is junior year of high school.  I came back with a schedule senior year that was packed full.  Calculus, Statistics, Physics ... blah blah.  I was taking 4 AP classes.  My mom looked at it and said, that's too much for you you won't be able to handle it.  Now ... My mom and I already didn't have the best relationship, but this made me angry.  That year, I was on the varsity dance team, president of NHS, accepted into four colleges, and got a 4.2 on a 4.0 scale.  The same schedule she told me I couldn't handle.

Now I'm facing the same dilemma.  After this ...

And this ...

The doctors told me running, among other things, would not be the same again.  I had been training for a half marathon when I fell, and they told me my legs were very strong, which may have helped my knee.  (I'm not sure how ... I broke two bones, one into the joint, and lost my ACL and LCL completely.)  I also broke my right leg off, and my left hip.  I like to tell people I was on a black diamond saving a baby with a grizzly bear chasing me.  I was catapulted into the air, but the baby was unharmed.  Not the case.  I was however super super lucky that I didn't hit any higher, if the impact was a couple inches up, I could have broken my spine.  Anyways ... When I started physical therapy I told my physical therapist I was going to run that half marathon race I was training for.  And after spending two and a half years seeing him three times a week ... still not running.  So, this year of running is a big "HA!!" to all the surgeons.

I'm going to the doctor to check out my foot soon ... I hope I can still run ...

45 Miles Down 205 Miles To Go

Smooth Sailing

And... When I first start smooth sailing... I injured myself.  I am not sure what I did to myself, but I'm pretty sure it is from running in old shoes.  The ball of my foot feels like it's on fire, horray!  I spent a good amount of the weekend with ice on my foot trying to make it numb enough not to hurt.  I finally caved and set up an appointment with the surgeon who fixed my ACL and took out all the hardware I had.  I'm absolutely frustrated, and I had an absolutely frustrating weekend.

The marine came into town again.  It was nothing short of a train wreck.  He'd let me know he was coming into town to visit a friend and wanted to stay at my place.  I was still upset that after the weekend visit, he still hadn't called to talk or catch up or just to say hello.  It took me a little bit to realize we had different expectations of what dating would be like.  When he got into town, he went to the bars with his friends and then came over after.  To be fair he invited me out, but I was home with an ice pack on my foot.  When he got to my house it was around midnight.  I had this horrible flashback of my ex going out with his friends all the time and then coming over afterwards.  It was one of my least favorite things about dating him.  He was a regular at a bar I had never gone to, because he had never taken me.  When I started to notice things about my ex like this, I should have left.  People don't change, and he didn't.  It was almost like the attraction to the marine just started leaving, and I couldn't get it back.  I was done.  We're just not compatible, time to leave.

I have some friends who can recognize immediately when a relationship isn't going to work, and they are done.  They can just pick up and move on.  It's fascinating to me because for some reason I just don't think that way.  That's where I need to be.  Oh ... And I need to go shoe shopping!

42 Miles Down 208 Miles To Go

Chivalry

Ugh.  My dad has ruined my life.  I think most of my friend's parents have given them enough scaring to have a personality, but not enough to mess them up too bad.  For example, when I was little, my dad would never say no to me when I would ask for something.  He would simply sing "You can't always get what you want..." Over and over.  Even today when I am in a store and they play that song, I leave without buying anything.  That is not a song you play where people are coming to purchase items.  But this is not what I was thinking about today.

He's made it so that I have ridiculous expectations of guys I date.  My dad cooks for me, buys my groceries, pumps my gas, opens doors, runs to the car to bring in my things, drops me off at the restaurant so I don't have to walk, let's me use anything of his that I need regardless of what it was, and anything else I ask him for he does.  It's awful, but it's the way I'm use to being treated from him.  When I go on a date and I don't get dropped off at the restaurant, I wonder why he is making me walk from the car to the front door of the restaurant.  I need someone to put my jacket on me when we leave, open the door, and make sure I'm happy.  Don't get me wrong, I fully expect to do the same thing for whoever I end up with, but I'm not use to dating someone who is this considerate.

Last week I went on the first good first date I've had in a long time.  I finally stayed for a third beer!  No escape route necessary.  He came downtown to me, he paid, he got me a cab, and we talked for hours without getting bored.  The one thing I'm a little on the fence about is dating someone before I leave, but it was refreshing to know chivalry isn't completely gone.

39 Miles Down 211 Miles To Go

Recovery Runs

I think what I did today would classify as a "recovery run".  The running definition is a short slow run that you do within 24 hours of a long tough run.  I know four miles doesn't exactly constitute a long tough run, but today I was tired.  According to the research I've done, recovery runs don't actually enhance the recovery process for your body.  But they are so commonly practiced there must be some benefit.  According to my googling skills, the benefit comes because you are tired.  When you begin to feel fatigue and you push yourself, this is when you start building your endurance.  Recovery runs build your endurance the whole time, because you are exhausted the whole time, and I was.  

I feel like I've had such a whirlwind of changes going on the past few months: Grad School, My Job, I'm moving apartments, I'm leaving home, I'm going to Africa, I'm dating, I'm running ... I'm exhausted.  I'm starting to get a little nervous to leave home for the first time.  I'm 27 ... The farthest I've gone for an extended period of time is Indiana, that's pathetic.  Although I'm ecstatic to be going back to get my MBA, I'm moving across the country.  It'll be the first time I can't just come home whenever I want.  I hate being nervous about something ... I feel like I can't sit still, but I'm so tired I just want to relax.  I need to treat this time like a recovery run.  I feel like with the more little changes I'm actively choosing to make in my life, the easier it will be for me to be happier down the road.  I can already feel myself getting happier.  Although I don't want to many any more changes and I'm exhausted from the big ones, I think this is when I really have the chance to make myself happy.

36 Miles Down 214 Miles To Go

Racing

Four Miles!!  This may not seem like anything huge, but for me ... monstrous.  This is the first time I've run this far continuously in over four years.  I felt like I could just keep going forever.  As soon as I hit 33 minutes (3 min warm up and 3 miles) I got so excited.  I started looking at the people next to me on the treadmills, and I was running faster and farther than them.  Yes this is a race, and I'm crushing them both.  I didn't even hit the wall today.  I've run 9 miles this week, and that's a personal record.  I feel like the rest of my time in Chicago is starting to feel like this.  I'm not bummed if I have a night with no plans, I'm excited because it rarely happens.  I'm not hitting walls making plans with friends.  I'm having the opposite problem, I don't have the time to see everyone I want to see.  I think sometimes when you go through a break up, it takes you a while to reconnect with all your friends and get close again the way you were before.  I'm a naturally introverted person ... So this took me a while.  But now I feel like there is no wall.  I just wanted to grab the person next to me on the treadmill and yell "I'm running farther than you!! It's awesome!!"  One change, well on its way.

Second pain in the a$$.  Work.  I can not stay focused.  Maybe I'm just so excited thinking about my next step, but it's like trying to pay attention to a tennis match.  I miss having a manager that pushed me and I learned from.  I want to be challenged.  I did something risky this week and applied for a job at a hospital.  It's process improvement inside a hospital.  Improving customer experience, quality of care, and the experience of someone extremely sick or injured.  Post graduate school, this is where I want my career to go, for personal reasons.

Four years ago I was in a skiing accident, and it was awful.  I broke both my hips and really messed up my knee.  After spending two weeks in the hospital, I know there is so much that can be improved.  I remember so many things that happened to me that made the whole experience a nightmare (aside from all the broken bones).  I remember laying in the hospital bed after the initial assessment hoping I would make it back to the cabin to sit in the hot tub.  I had fallen rolled and was stopped by two trees.  One tree to my hip breaking both of them, and my left leg wrapped around the other tree.  The surgeon came into the room and just looked at me and said "It's time to call your dad, we're clearing the operating room for you because we need to reattach your leg."  He started explaining all the damage I had done to myself.  My right leg was not attached to my body.  My left hip was broken.  I had shattered three ligaments in my left knee and broken two other bones in my knee.  I think he must have noticed the blank stare on my face because he started to draw a picture on the wall of where my leg had broken and come off my body.  Mid sentence I just burst into tears.  I was about to start a long long long rehab.  Today for the first time since then, I ran like before the accident.  That surgeon told me I would probably not run the same as I did before, but I'm going to show him now.

30 Miles Down 220 Miles to Go