Work Husbands

One mile!!! I'm going so slow.  I hate it.  I really don't know anyone who is alright with setbacks, and I know I need to just figure out a way to deal with it ... But right now this makes me super crabby.  Getting back to 100% myself is taking forever.  I'm in the middle of internship searching now, and I am waiting to hear from a really big hospital in Boston that is my first choice. It makes me so nervous to wait and wait and wait ... I've been working on this for so long ...

The more I talk to people in consulting, the more I realize that all the money, hotel status, airline miles, crazy travel plans, free amex points ... I was going to say aren't worth it, but then I realized that I really miss those things.  I have a good friend here, who was also interviewing for a consulting position and said to me, "We should both go! It would be so fun! We can hang out all summer!"  I freaked out a little bit.  We use to have a name for this when I was in consulting, "Work Husband."  You eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together, you share a car, you go to the gym together, you work next to each other, you're in the same hotel ... I've made some good friends this way, but then we always go home on the weekends and after a year we live in different states.  I always had a love hate relationship with it.  I was overpaid, learning a lot, and traveling all over the world.  But "date night" ment facetiming my boyfriend while I had room service alone in my hotel.  Everytime I wanted to walk away from it, I would get a raise or a promotion or a new project somewhere awesome and stay. Being gone so much put so much space between me and my boyfriend at the time that I remember getting a huge raise (~$10,000) and not even telling him.  I'm not sure why exactly I didn't tell him, but he just didn't seem to understand.  My work husband knew though ...

Recovery from running injuries is a frustrating process ... But I will do it.  I just get up and decide it's time to run again.  Sometimes I'm fine, and sometimes my knee hurts or I am so exhausted I can't breathe when I run, but I always get through it.  Rearranging my life is the same.  I go back and forth on missing someone who I know is not good for me, and I go back and forth about a career that I also know is not good for me. I guess I need to just learn from running.  Make the decision.  Just do it, and be done.  I don't want another work husband, I think I'd be happier with a real one.

298 Miles Down 18 Miles to Go

Did he hit on you?!

I had a pretty strange experience last week.  I was contacted randomly by a manager at a big health care organization in Boston.  He wanted to talk to me about an open position in his group.  He set up some time to talk with me on the phone, and scheduled quickly a meeting with me to come in and talk with him more about creating an internship for me in person.  I figured either the group was a huge mess and needed some kind of change or this was just way too good to be true.  He wanted me to come in and meet all the different groups he managed and design an internship for me around something that I found interesting.  He worked in IT, and I'm pretty sure he grabbed my name because I worked in consulting for a few years in IT.

Well I put this idea in my back pocket and kept it on the table as an option.  Until I talked to another alumni who worked for him.  I asked her if she knew him and what she thought of him as a manager.  The first thing she said to me was, "Did he hit on you?!?!"  I was baffled.  This literally never crossed my mind, and then I realized he never even asked me for my resume and he was offering for me to design any kind of internship I wanted?  It didn't add up ...

I took that option off the table.

297 Miles Down 19 Miles to Go

A Man on My Couch

Today I had a different kind of wedding ring seeking.  I went on a fancy dinner with one of my friends here.  We were talking about how it sucks not to be able to go out to dinner and get dressed up.  I'm single, and his wife is currently living out of state.  So, we decided to get dressed up and go out to eat, along with another one of my girlfriends.  Dinner was awesome, and we went to a bar afterwards that had a jukebox.  I had a beer ... and then I woke up in my bed.  Somehow I forgot the whole night.  I immediately changed into pajamas, went to the bathroom, and wandered into the kitchen for water.  I felt like I could drink all the water the faucet could give me and still be thirsty.  And he was sleeping on my couch.  Shiiiittttt.  Hate blacking out!

After I woke him up fumbling for a cup and water, he filled me in on some pieces I didn't remember.  1.  I threw up on him.  2. I forced him to watch several episodes of Pawn Stars.  3.  We spent quite a bit of time talking about his wife, apparently I had a lot of questions.  As soon as he realized I was fine and awake, he left.  Needless to say I had a lot to think about.

294 Miles Down 22 Miles to Go

Wedding Ring Seeker

Just as I start putting consulting on the table for all the good things it has, I am reminded of all the bad things it has to come along with.  I went to a health care panel today (in graduate school they are always pushing you into "career exploration" which I usually hate, but today was awesome) and there were three women on the panel who were running hospitals in Boston.  ALL of them had wedding rings on.  I started thinking about my old gone Monday-Friday life, and I had a mini panic attack.  I don't want to put myself into a situation where I can't meet anyone.  When I think about dating a consultant, I am not even a little bit attracted to the idea because I know I'll be having dinner alone four nights out of seven.  I know I'll be sleeping alone, and I know I won't be able to talk to them for more than five minutes at a time all week.  If I hate the idea of this, how can I expect someone else to be okay with it?  Also, I tend to get fat from eating out at restaurants too much.  So there's that too ...

291 Miles Down 24 Miles To Go

Pushing Myself From the Beginning Again

When I got on the treadmill today, there was this super tiny long blonde haired girl in front of me.  I laughed, and thought for sure I could beat her.  Race was on!  And she was actually beating me!  I have to stop hypothetically racing with strangers in the gym ...  My heel was killing me  ... but I wanted more than one mile.  I literally hate recovery, all I can think about is how far behind I am from what I could do when I was healthy.

I keep thinking about a case we did in school, Coke vs. Pepsi: cola wars.  You'd think by looking at the companies that they are in strong competition with each other.  As we dove into how cola is made, concentrate, bottling, etc, we realized that the industry doesn't have strong rivalry.  You think they have to hurt each other in competition to win, but it turns out that when they work together ... They're each unstoppable.  They push each other to be innovative and successful.  This is the relationship I want, with a boyfriend and with a boss.  My professor said that one of the companies even quoted, "Without Pepsi, I wouldn't be where I am today.  They made us better."  So ... I guess that tiny stupid blonde girl (she's probably not stupid) making me upset that she could run forever was a good thing.  Because I stayed on that stupid treadmill when I wanted to get off.  I hate recovery so much, but here I am pushing myself from the beginning again.

288 Miles Down 27 Miles To Go

Waiting ...

Today I am waiting ... and waiting ... and I really hate waiting.  I went on a trip with some friends up to Maine (checking it off the bucket list of amazing places to visit).  I've had this good friend since college ... about nine years now ... and we've always been really close.  We almost dated senior year, but as soon as we got close I got a job in Chicago and he got one in Minneapolis.  So I shyed away from it, he was one of my best friends and I saw it ending messy.  Nothing more than that really ever happened, we stayed really close and vacationed together (with groups) a few times (India, Munich, Amsterdam, Back to IU ... ).  He's always been one of those guys who I knew I would date eventually when the time was right, but we just haven't been in a position to since college.

Lately, I'd been thinking about the fact that we can sit and talk for hours and it seems like minutes.  And the fact that I really want that.  And just as we started talking a lot more again, he tells me he has a girlfriend.  Naturally!  I said that I was happy for him, and started dodging his calls.  It's not something I want to get tangled in.  Then he sends me an uncharacteristic message "Can I come visit you for a night?  I had a rough day and need a friend."  Of course I said yes, and then he went radio silent.  Three days after he said he wanted to visit, we connected over the phone.  His girlfriend broke up with him.  In Korea, where he went to meet her parents.  Because her parents didn't approve of him not being Korean.  And here he was trying to prove to her parents that he'd be good for their daughter.  He was writing them a letter.  He kept saying on the phone to me, "I'm not sure I can forget how she wanted to marry me one minute, and then just walked away the next."  So she broke up with him, and then they spent 24 hours flying back to the US on the plane together.  Where he planned on getting off in Chicago ...

He ended up not, and going back to Pennsylvania with her, but not as her boyfriend.  A week later she told her parents she wanted to date him, and he was asking me if he should give her another chance.  I didn't know what to tell him, so I told him that I couldn't answer that question.  I can't tell him who he wants to be with.  So when he said that I'd been a good friend and told me he wanted to come visit me in Boston.  I said maybe.  I told him not to read too into this ... but it's a little weird when guys visit me and they have a girlfriend.  He was offended a little I think, but I don't want to be confusing.  So now I'm waiting ... which I hate ... When did dating become waiting to see who wants to visit me in Boston?

286 Miles Down 29 Miles To Go

I don't care, I love it!

I've slowed down ... I ran two miles today.  It feels like I haven't done anything.  I forgot what "recovery" was like.  And today I had a lot to think about in terms of recovery.  Two days ago was the Turd's birthday.  I went back and forth and back and forth on if I should say something.  Until I realized, this is not something worth debating anymore.  I sent him a quick note, forgot that I saved his name as "He's A Turd" and as soon as I sent the Happy Birthday message, my phone popped up: He's A Turd.  I just started laughing.  We talked for a little while, but I felt like I could just keep him at an arms length.  It's been so long, and no feelings came back up.  We talked about his job, and how he's ready to move on from it.  He mentioned he had friends in Boston and they loved it.  Great!  I actually don't care!  That sounds terrible ... but I don't :)

I turned on the song, "I don't care, I love it!" and danced around my apartment for twenty minutes.  I'm so happy.

283 Miles Down 32 Miles To Go

New Years Resolutioners ...

The New Years Resolutioners have arrived!  I love this time of the year!  I never feel like such a bad ass.  I get on the treadmill and plan on spending thirty minutes on there.  Only 30.  In the span of thirty minutes, I outrun everyone else around me.  They are huffing and puffing and switching to walking.  I love the undergrad gym.  They're usually sitting around on lifting equipment pretending to lift as they fix their make up in the mirror on their phones or text someone else who is clearly more important than working out.  Today they were standing on the sides of the treadmill, wearing cotton (ew) ... and even talking to other people who were trying to run.  Who does that?  I started to feel like a bit of a judger, but at the same time, I'm so happy I'm not one of them ...

I've also started struggling with something that I haven't had since I started this challenge: shin splints.  So painful.  I've been sitting with ice on them at night and studying after I run.  Just when I get so close ... So close to the end ... and I have to be super careful.  So I treated this like a "break" from running.  I started getting everyone's advice on how to handle it ... I made dixie cups of ice, and increased the incline on the treadmill, and even made the decision to run less miles.  I don't want to get 98% of the way there and then do something stupid and end up back in the beginning.  But also, I want to run longer than the new years resolutioners ...

281 Miles Down 34 Miles To Go

First name: "He's A" Last name: "Turd"

I'm sick again.  And this time, I can't stop running or I won't make my goal.  I grabbed some Advil, drank a ridiculous amount of orange juice, and bundled up in seven layers for my 1.5 minute walk to the gym.  It felt like a run from one year ago, I kept checking the time and the minutes weren't moving.  I ran a nine minute mile again, and I was so winded.  No matter how much I wanted to stop though, I just didn't want to stop.  All I wanted to do is finish those three miles I set out to do.  There was this little runner voice in my head saying "Only two more minutes for this mile, you can do anything for two minutes." There was also a voice saying "Enough! Stop now! This is so silly! Why did you make this goal?!"  I'm completely exhausted, but I made it.  I have three weeks left to finish my mileage.  This last month, I'll need to run double the amount I should be running because I slacked off so much before.  And even though I'm sick, my nose is running, I can barely breathe from minimal exertion, all I can think of is ... next year I should double my miles and run 630 miles.  Two marathons a month.  If I can do it this month, why can't I do it again.

There's one big thing that I have been overlooking in terms of all this "make myself happy for a year": religion.  Church has never really been fun, and it's always felt like sort of an obligation.  Have to get up early, have to get good seats, have to go every week and smile!  Today I went to a catholic church I've been thinking about going to since I moved here.  People were laughing the whole time, and I actually got something out of what he was saying.  Although it was hard to understand him because he didn't pronounce any "R's".  He ended the mass by spontaneously standing out of the traditional catholic script and saying, "There was an old lady who was on her fourth marriage.  I asked her, 'What does your husband do?' And she replied, 'He's a funeral director.'  I was a little shocked and asked her, 'What did the others do?' She said, 'My first husband was an investment banker.  My second one was a circus clown.  The third was a preacher.  And the fourth is a funeral director.'  I asked her, 'Why men with such diverse careers?' And she replied, 'One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!'  The whole congregation was laughing.  Was I really at church?  I'm going back here.

I also did something fun to make me laugh.  I got nostalgic a month ago (blame holidays) and texted the ex who I dated for four years.  I'm not really sure why.  He took a day to respond and sent his signature polite "How are you?" message in return.  He's great at telling me nothing but being very polite all at the same time. I told one of my good friends from school that I what I did and she said save his name as something ridiculous.  Something like "This person sucks."  So I saved him as first name: "He's A" and last name: "Turd".  Hopefully next time I think its a good time to be nostalgic, I see this and realize that it's a bad idea.  No one wants to talk to a turd.  I'm going to crawl into bed ...

278 Miles Down 37 Miles to Go

Hippopotamus

Today I had my second hospital internship interview.  I really want to be in one this summer, and I was thinking this as I walked into the last one.  As I was strolling up the sidewalk in my suit with my fancy Kate Spade purse, the man walking out of the building had literally just peed himself.  What am I getting myself into?  I had a great conversation with both BU alumni that I spoke with in my interviews.  One had exactly the same background as me, and wrote me a very very nice email telling me he though I should seriously consider the hospital for the next step in my career.  The second one told me if I didn't have an internship by March to call him and he would look for something for me there.  Definitely a step in the right direction ... especially because there are only a handful of internships at hospitals in Boston, all of which are super competitive...

I've also spent some time thinking about the Florida ex.  Last time I talked to him, he wanted to come up to Boston to visit.  He was asking about MLK weekend, which is next weekend.  When I mentioned it to him he said, "I can't that weekend, but I definitely want to talk about coming up."  It was his suggestion to come that weekend ... and I guess something must have come up?  When I thought about all the chemistry and things we had in common ... I forgot about all the arguing and things we didn't have in common.  We fought so much over everything that we had a safe word for fighting.  (Not the fun kind of safe word that most couples have.)  If we got too intensely arguing, I would say "Hippopotamus" and we would stop and take ten minutes away from each other to calm down.  He went from "I want to come visit you" to one word reply answers.  Maybe I gave him too much credit when I thought we still could work ...

275 Miles Down 40 Miles to Go

Back on the Table

I had a social jog today, and it's refreshing to run with someone.  I can finally hold a conversation while I run.  I don't think I've ever been able to do this.  When I was running in Europe with my professional runner friend, she mentioned people ask her how she always stays in shape.  She said, "Not going to the gym just isn't an option.  No matter what you think your excuse is, you can handle a workout."  She does nine days on and one day off.  It's freezing out, literally, and my friend and I have decided to go for a run next to the Charles River.

Around mile three ... I got a phone call.  Consulting company.  "Hey! You missed the application deadline for our summer internship.  Are you interested, and do you want to talk about it?  I can put your resume in still."  It's following me.  No matter what I do, I am constantly finding myself back in the face of consulting.  So here I was on the side of the river, in freezing temperatures, mid run, having an interview.  The whole point of graduate school was to get out of consulting, what was I thinking.  For some reason, I'm lured into the idea of a great salary, signing bonus, flexibility to live and move wherever I want to go, and the ability to move from health care client to health care client.  I'm also starting to realize, I have over $100,000 in debt.  I hate hate hate debt.  I can knock out a rather large chunk of that if I take my savings, my signing bonus, and start with a high salary.  This is what I'm thinking about as I'm talking with the consulting alumni about work life balance and the different types of health care projects he's been on in the past.  I'm actually starting to think it may not be so coconuts for me.  It's a great career, and I can do it.  I haven't been sought after like this in a while, and I want to be at a company that wants me there.  Also ... It would give me the experience I need in health care.

Consulting:  back on the table.

272 Miles Down 43 Miles to Go

2014: Blank Slate

Back in Boston trying to beat the jetlag.  I realized heading into the last month of my personal little challenge that I wasn't going to finish.  I had double the amount of miles to run because I spent October studying and drinking away my life.  So now I realized I needed to run double ... and since Christmas I've been running four mile runs at a time.  I have to double my running for a month, and I wonder if I could do it for a year?  Why not? I've got this far already ...

I was in a rush today so I cranked up the treadmill to a 9 minute mile, for two miles.  The gym was empty because none of the undergrads were back on campus and I had the whole thing to myself.  All I wanted to do was get in some miles, and move on to studying.  It didn't really even seem like I had done anything different except that I ran into the front of the treadmill less.  It's crazy how sometimes when you're ready to change, it just happens.  It just seemed silly not to, it was more of an effort to run slower than to just own it and move forward.  I'm not sure what big major change is coming for me, but I feel like I've cleared all the crap out of my life and I'm sitting with a blank slate.  Sometimes I get confused and go backwards, but I feel like I have a handle on it now.  So ... one to nine minute miles!!

268 Miles Down 47 Miles to Go

Five years ago I couldn't walk

I've arrived in Winterberg, Germany.  Home of the bobsled track.  Sometimes I need to take a deep breath, and tell myself that this is real life.  Somehow I ended up here, and it's much better than crocheting a boot sock.  So here I am running up the side of a mountain with two professional runners the day before I go to my first bobsled race.  This is by far the most beautiful place I have ever run.  I never thought I could become a runner, and now I was scaling the side of a mountain ... and liking it.

I finally told the other two girls they could race on ahead and they didn't need to keep up a 9 minute pace anymore.  After they disappeared in front of me, I stopped running and looked over the side of the mountain at the tiny town of Winterberg.  It was literally dead silent.  Two things came to my mind: 1.  I wonder what he is doing now.  2. Almost five years ago, I couldn't walk.  My five year anniversary of running into the trees is coming up in a few weeks.  Five years ago the doctor said, "It's going to be a really long time until you run normally again if you're able to do it."  Literally my whole life has changed since then.  That comment, and that experience changed my career, my relationship, my education, my friends, and drastically my body.  Running consistently and using that time to focus on putting more happy things in my life and leaving behind all the crap has really changed things for me.  I'm happier with my body, although I've gained a lot of weight.  I'm solid muscle.  I'm eating healthier, and I feel amazing when I wake up every day.  I've set myself up to work somewhere I want to be, and do something that will be improving health care for patients in the hospital.  I've finally left home and I know what it feels like to completely live on your own.  I've been single long enough not to miss my ex anymore, and I feel like I've finally realized that I'll be happier without him.  I've stopped lying to people telling them I'm dating someone when they ask me out, and I've stopped wasting time with guys who clearly wouldn't be a good fit for me.

Yet here I am at the top of a mountain in Germany wondering what my Florida ex is doing right now.  There was such crazy chemistry between us, I always felt like I was on a roller coaster.  He's the type of dominant type A personality, and over time, I slowly stopped pushing for what I wanted when it was different than what he wanted.  Somehow I became super dependent on him, and I just waited for him to make decisions.  If I made them, he'd disagree or want something else and they'd change anyways so what was the point?  Ten years after we started dating, we're still talking about dating.  We've lived in different countries, dated different people, loved and hated each other, and I still can't figure him out.  He wants to come visit Boston for a weekend, maybe spending some time with him will help sort through some things.

264 Miles Down 51 Miles to Go