"Me" Kend

Back to back outdoor runs, and I'm getting more hardcore.  Today I ran three 8 minute 30 second miles.  Without the restriction of the treadmill, I am flying.  Other than that ... I have made this weekend into a me-kend.  A phrase I can't take credit to (my friend's boyfriend Nick owns this copyright), but one I love love love.  After a long time of having a type A personality, I've finally accepted a truth about me.  I am an introvert.  I love going out and spending time with my friends, and then I need to be alone to re-cooperate.  I've had two weekends of crazy, run ins with boys, friends visiting, family visiting, and barely getting five hours of sleep a night, and I just want to sleep in, cook a fancy dinner for myself and clean my apartment.  Every time I take a personality test it says "slight extrovert" and somewhere in the definition it says that I am an introvert but push myself to be outgoing because my job demands it.  Maybe this is why I'm occasionally at odds with my job ...  Anyways, I feel completely rejuvenated and relaxed.  I ran, rearranged my furniture, cooked, cleaned, and cooked a delicious meal.  Weekends like this feel like vacations from the craziness that is the week.

<3 Mekend.

51 Miles Down 199 Miles To Go

Short Term and Long Term

... I can run!!  According to my surgeon, my foot basically didn't grow all the way (sort of like me ... I'm 5'1").  So it's most likely always going to hurt, but it's safe to run through the pain.  He gave me some serious anti-inflammatory medicine, and he sent me to get a "running analysis."  I think this is like a psychologist for running form.  So I put on my new Nike shoes and went for my first outdoor run.

Immediately I noticed ... outdoor runners are not treadmill runners.  They mean business, and they make it look easy.  For some reason when I run outside, it takes most of my focus and energy to look up and not stare at the ground in fear of tripping and faceplanting.  As I tried to look up at the skyline instead of down at the ground, I was getting lapped like crazy.  It took me a while to be able to focus on the Chicago skyline.  I think that's what I've been doing lately.  I'm getting so concerned with the next little steps that I haven't been able to see the bigger picture.  As soon as I was able to look forward, I got this side splitting cramp.  What is going on? Why does this happen?  I tried to just ignore it and eventually it went away, but holy crap it was miserable.  When I got back I risked receiving the news that I was dying (I looked it up on webmd).  Turns out I'm breathing to shallow, and not enough air is getting to my muscles.  I can't focus on the short and long term at the same time.  I guess I'll have to try to find some sort of balance / middle ground.

In this year of running, I have already made choices that will literally change my life.  When I approached the end of my run, I clicked my phone to check mileage and make sure I had reached a full three miles, and it returned a pace of a 9 minute mile.  I have never run three nine minute miles in a row before.

48 Miles Down 202 Miles To Go

Surgeons and Half Marathons

So ... I shouldn't be running.  I'm pretty sure my foot is still injured, and after how big of a baby I was last weekend ... I need to be off it.  There is this part to my personality that won't let me back off when someone tells me something is not possible.  It's a blessing and a curse.  Curse when my brother tells me something like "I bet you can't eat that whole three egg omelette."  Blessing when my boss says "That kind of idea isn't possible."  Every time someone says "You can't do that." I think "Challenge accepted."  And then I do it.  I think the first time I can remember someone telling me I can't do something is junior year of high school.  I came back with a schedule senior year that was packed full.  Calculus, Statistics, Physics ... blah blah.  I was taking 4 AP classes.  My mom looked at it and said, that's too much for you you won't be able to handle it.  Now ... My mom and I already didn't have the best relationship, but this made me angry.  That year, I was on the varsity dance team, president of NHS, accepted into four colleges, and got a 4.2 on a 4.0 scale.  The same schedule she told me I couldn't handle.

Now I'm facing the same dilemma.  After this ...

And this ...

The doctors told me running, among other things, would not be the same again.  I had been training for a half marathon when I fell, and they told me my legs were very strong, which may have helped my knee.  (I'm not sure how ... I broke two bones, one into the joint, and lost my ACL and LCL completely.)  I also broke my right leg off, and my left hip.  I like to tell people I was on a black diamond saving a baby with a grizzly bear chasing me.  I was catapulted into the air, but the baby was unharmed.  Not the case.  I was however super super lucky that I didn't hit any higher, if the impact was a couple inches up, I could have broken my spine.  Anyways ... When I started physical therapy I told my physical therapist I was going to run that half marathon race I was training for.  And after spending two and a half years seeing him three times a week ... still not running.  So, this year of running is a big "HA!!" to all the surgeons.

I'm going to the doctor to check out my foot soon ... I hope I can still run ...

45 Miles Down 205 Miles To Go

Smooth Sailing

And... When I first start smooth sailing... I injured myself.  I am not sure what I did to myself, but I'm pretty sure it is from running in old shoes.  The ball of my foot feels like it's on fire, horray!  I spent a good amount of the weekend with ice on my foot trying to make it numb enough not to hurt.  I finally caved and set up an appointment with the surgeon who fixed my ACL and took out all the hardware I had.  I'm absolutely frustrated, and I had an absolutely frustrating weekend.

The marine came into town again.  It was nothing short of a train wreck.  He'd let me know he was coming into town to visit a friend and wanted to stay at my place.  I was still upset that after the weekend visit, he still hadn't called to talk or catch up or just to say hello.  It took me a little bit to realize we had different expectations of what dating would be like.  When he got into town, he went to the bars with his friends and then came over after.  To be fair he invited me out, but I was home with an ice pack on my foot.  When he got to my house it was around midnight.  I had this horrible flashback of my ex going out with his friends all the time and then coming over afterwards.  It was one of my least favorite things about dating him.  He was a regular at a bar I had never gone to, because he had never taken me.  When I started to notice things about my ex like this, I should have left.  People don't change, and he didn't.  It was almost like the attraction to the marine just started leaving, and I couldn't get it back.  I was done.  We're just not compatible, time to leave.

I have some friends who can recognize immediately when a relationship isn't going to work, and they are done.  They can just pick up and move on.  It's fascinating to me because for some reason I just don't think that way.  That's where I need to be.  Oh ... And I need to go shoe shopping!

42 Miles Down 208 Miles To Go

Chivalry

Ugh.  My dad has ruined my life.  I think most of my friend's parents have given them enough scaring to have a personality, but not enough to mess them up too bad.  For example, when I was little, my dad would never say no to me when I would ask for something.  He would simply sing "You can't always get what you want..." Over and over.  Even today when I am in a store and they play that song, I leave without buying anything.  That is not a song you play where people are coming to purchase items.  But this is not what I was thinking about today.

He's made it so that I have ridiculous expectations of guys I date.  My dad cooks for me, buys my groceries, pumps my gas, opens doors, runs to the car to bring in my things, drops me off at the restaurant so I don't have to walk, let's me use anything of his that I need regardless of what it was, and anything else I ask him for he does.  It's awful, but it's the way I'm use to being treated from him.  When I go on a date and I don't get dropped off at the restaurant, I wonder why he is making me walk from the car to the front door of the restaurant.  I need someone to put my jacket on me when we leave, open the door, and make sure I'm happy.  Don't get me wrong, I fully expect to do the same thing for whoever I end up with, but I'm not use to dating someone who is this considerate.

Last week I went on the first good first date I've had in a long time.  I finally stayed for a third beer!  No escape route necessary.  He came downtown to me, he paid, he got me a cab, and we talked for hours without getting bored.  The one thing I'm a little on the fence about is dating someone before I leave, but it was refreshing to know chivalry isn't completely gone.

39 Miles Down 211 Miles To Go

Recovery Runs

I think what I did today would classify as a "recovery run".  The running definition is a short slow run that you do within 24 hours of a long tough run.  I know four miles doesn't exactly constitute a long tough run, but today I was tired.  According to the research I've done, recovery runs don't actually enhance the recovery process for your body.  But they are so commonly practiced there must be some benefit.  According to my googling skills, the benefit comes because you are tired.  When you begin to feel fatigue and you push yourself, this is when you start building your endurance.  Recovery runs build your endurance the whole time, because you are exhausted the whole time, and I was.  

I feel like I've had such a whirlwind of changes going on the past few months: Grad School, My Job, I'm moving apartments, I'm leaving home, I'm going to Africa, I'm dating, I'm running ... I'm exhausted.  I'm starting to get a little nervous to leave home for the first time.  I'm 27 ... The farthest I've gone for an extended period of time is Indiana, that's pathetic.  Although I'm ecstatic to be going back to get my MBA, I'm moving across the country.  It'll be the first time I can't just come home whenever I want.  I hate being nervous about something ... I feel like I can't sit still, but I'm so tired I just want to relax.  I need to treat this time like a recovery run.  I feel like with the more little changes I'm actively choosing to make in my life, the easier it will be for me to be happier down the road.  I can already feel myself getting happier.  Although I don't want to many any more changes and I'm exhausted from the big ones, I think this is when I really have the chance to make myself happy.

36 Miles Down 214 Miles To Go

What I learned from Green Beer

Second four mile run = Check.  This is the first time I've been running and had no physical struggle.  I could breathe, no cramps, I didn't check the clock every two minutes, no sneezing, no risk of falling off the treadmill.  I'm finally enjoying it!  This must be why runners run.  Plus I had a lot to think about today.

I sent my ex a note last weekend.  It was stupid.  Also a very mature adult conversation:

Me: "Happy St. Patty's Day"
Him: "Happy St. Patty's Day.  Hope you're having a good day."
Me: "I shouldn't have said that.  I want to take it back."
Him: "Consider it taken back."

I can't figure myself out.  For some reason, when I get drunk, I miss him.  I miss him like I use to when we were dating.  There is no way I want to be with him anymore, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why I missed him.  I don't understand why I'm having this feeling.  After an obnoxious amount of focusing on this, I think I'm starting to realize why I want to talk to him.  I miss dating my best friend.  He's not anymore, but I haven't started really dating yet.  I haven't talked to the marine since I went to see him (really talked to him - excluding text messages and gchat because that is not a real form of communication).  I felt myself being sort of rude to him and I think I'm starting to figure out what is going on.  When I went to see him last, we sort of naturally rushed into the physical piece, but weren't really getting to know each other.  I'm not the sleep around type, so that did not happen, but he is not my best friend.  I don't want to end up in another relationship where I am not sure I can see it going somewhere.  It's so easy to not focus on becoming best friends when the physical part sneaks in.  I think that will be my next group of changes.  My new mini goals.  No more getting wasted and talking to exboyfriends.  What's over is over, and it's that way because it didn't work.  Hold off on the physical, it's time to really get to know someone.  This is what I learned from Green Beer.

34 Miles Down 216 Miles To Go