He Doesn't Know He Doesn't Like Me

It's freezing out, and I wimped out and went to the gym.  The good old college gym. Much different than the macho muscle meat heads I'm use to working out with.  Here it's stretchy yoga pants, make up, and girls pretending to stretch while they bend over a knee and text.  Someone actually had her hair down while she was on a rowing machine.  Even the guys are pretty funny.  They lift one rep and wander to the drinking fountain.  Stand in front of the TV for a while and wander over to another machine.  I assume this is what it is like to work out hungover.

I've had a realization about dimples that I can't seem to let go of.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me, but he doesn't realize he doesn't like me.  That sounds very confusing, but it is actually very simple.  He would make these little comments, "Your place is kinda messy." After he'd come over and I didn't realize he was coming. He found a pair of jeans in my bathroom and said, "Oh you have pants on the floor.  Interesting."  I made a comment about not even having time to buy a bed skirt and he said, "Yeah I noticed."  So ... I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to date someone like me, I'm just not sure he realizes it because he keeps wanting to see me. There are some other odd things that have been happening, he seemed to share quite a bit of personal information with me.  Things I'm not sure I should know even if we were very close.  And there was a little bit of a red flag that he didn't have the best money handling skills.  Is that what dating is now?  If I think you may have a bad credit score, then I'm out?

I just don't want to ignore red flags again, and I don't want to spend time dating someone who I think will want to try to change me.  So ... I decided to do the mature thing and cancel Ikea furniture date and just be busy.  Honestly, I was actually very busy, but it was easier to tell him I was busy than to tell him that I think he doesn't like me and he's been kinda rude.

As soon as I told my dad this, he sent me this link.  He's talking about how texting has changed dating.  How you avoid situations where one person likes the other and we no longer have to have that awkward conversation. He thinks "You just pretend to be busy forever.  Why risk someone's feelings where you can create an alternate reality where scheduling is the problem."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiLaukbxQMs

228 Miles Down 87 Miles To Go

Little by Little

Today was an interesting run.  I hated things a lot less, but I did something really stupid.  I accidentally ran my regular route backwards.  I got distracted because the girl running in front of me was going really fast and had long hair.  I had a momentary burst of hair envy.  And then I noticed I missed my regular turn and I was way out of breath from running too fast.  I figured it was no big deal I'd just switch it up.  On my way back up the lake ... I found myself running in a constant wind tunnel.  For a mile and a half, which may not seem like a long time, but try not breathing for 15 minutes.  Now do it while you work out.  I tried not to say this this year, but sometimes change is bad.  At least this one was poorly timed, but I got a wonderful picture of my running path or should I say my wind tunnel.

I also realized that while I was being angry about a change (running my route backwards) I was still accomplishing a huge milestone.  I've run two marathons now.  Not nonstop, but still I've done it.  In two months.  I am running a marathon a month.  If I keep this pace up, I will be running 314.4 Miles in one year. That kills my goal.  I could also run ten marathons, 262 Miles in one year.  Either way ... I am going to do more than 250 if I keep it up, provided I have this much time in graduate school.  (Reality sinking in ...).  I'm also changing pieces of my life like crazy.  I talked to a friend about my ex, let's call him Maybe (which was pretty much the only answer I ever got from him), and disclosed that I was antsy knowing this was his last week in Chicago.  She said rather bluntly, "That's because now you know it will never happen again."  I equally hate and love her, because she knows me inside and out.  And she's right, it's over.  No "maybe" one day, no "maybe" things will change, no "maybe" we'll find a way back to each other.  And that's probably my own little personal wind tunnel, because I hate "maybe" and that is not the relationship I want to be in.

Even though I found myself in a wind tunnel, and I'm running my "marathons" in little pieces, all the things I'm doing are adding up.  My weight is dropping, I'm eating healthier and feeling better, I haven't seen my ex and soon he'll be gone, I'm leaving my job to take on an MBA, and I'm finally a real runner.  I'm already happier, and my life hasn't changed that much since I started.  I'm just more okay with it now.

56 Miles Down 194 Miles To Go

What I learned from Green Beer

Second four mile run = Check.  This is the first time I've been running and had no physical struggle.  I could breathe, no cramps, I didn't check the clock every two minutes, no sneezing, no risk of falling off the treadmill.  I'm finally enjoying it!  This must be why runners run.  Plus I had a lot to think about today.

I sent my ex a note last weekend.  It was stupid.  Also a very mature adult conversation:

Me: "Happy St. Patty's Day"
Him: "Happy St. Patty's Day.  Hope you're having a good day."
Me: "I shouldn't have said that.  I want to take it back."
Him: "Consider it taken back."

I can't figure myself out.  For some reason, when I get drunk, I miss him.  I miss him like I use to when we were dating.  There is no way I want to be with him anymore, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why I missed him.  I don't understand why I'm having this feeling.  After an obnoxious amount of focusing on this, I think I'm starting to realize why I want to talk to him.  I miss dating my best friend.  He's not anymore, but I haven't started really dating yet.  I haven't talked to the marine since I went to see him (really talked to him - excluding text messages and gchat because that is not a real form of communication).  I felt myself being sort of rude to him and I think I'm starting to figure out what is going on.  When I went to see him last, we sort of naturally rushed into the physical piece, but weren't really getting to know each other.  I'm not the sleep around type, so that did not happen, but he is not my best friend.  I don't want to end up in another relationship where I am not sure I can see it going somewhere.  It's so easy to not focus on becoming best friends when the physical part sneaks in.  I think that will be my next group of changes.  My new mini goals.  No more getting wasted and talking to exboyfriends.  What's over is over, and it's that way because it didn't work.  Hold off on the physical, it's time to really get to know someone.  This is what I learned from Green Beer.

34 Miles Down 216 Miles To Go