Chronic Pain Management

This run was a cause for celebration.  I've broke through the four mile run habit I was stuck in.  Five miles, and I wasn't even tired.  I feel a little bit like someone lit a fire under me, and I just took off.  Something snapped and I not only wanted to move forward, but I just got up and did it.

I've been back in physical therapy for my back, and it is probably the most frustrating trip to physical therapy I've had.  I've had back pain for about five years now.  It started from sitting in a bed for six months and not walking.  I lost a ton of weight and most of the muscles in my legs which only made it worse.  I spent some time in physical therapy right after my accident focusing on my back, but it never really made any lasting impact.  It got so bad that I resorted to cortisone shots a few times.  The second time I got one, I turned on the news two days later and there was a meningitis outbreak.  Caused by a specific form of cortisone that was injected into the spine.  I was instantly convinced that I had meningitis.  After about four frantic calls to my doctor I decided taking three cortisone shots to the spine is not something I want to do on a regular basis.

I felt a little bad for the physical therapist that is working with me now when I went in for my first visit.  I am healthy, I work out 3-5 times a week, I've been in physical therapy for three years, and I have literally tried everything.  However ... still in pain.  "Structurally I should be fine" or at least that's what the doctor told me, and I just sort of gave up assuming I'd be in a mild amount of pain most of the time.  I don't want to be on drugs, and I don't want to be in physical therapy forever so I just deal with the pain.  The other day when I went in though, we didn't start with the normal spinal stretches ... But they wanted to talk.  Weird thing for a physical therapist.  She wanted to tell me that she understands what I'm going through, she had back pain for years after a snowboarding accident and that it did go away but it took a lot of work.  My other physical therapist (I have one and a student that works with him) wanted to talk to me about chronic pain management.

In general pain is caused by some kind of trigger.  With chronic pain your body can get use to it, and continue sensing the pain even though the trigger is no longer there.  The way they explained it is through Phantom Limb Syndrome.  Sometimes when people lose limbs they can still feel it.  The brain is so powerful that it can imagine a finger on your body when there is no finger on your body.

The moral of the story today, is that you have the power to reprogram the way your brain thinks.  Your brain associates pain with certain activities where it was always present, but you can teach your brain that the pain is gone.  If I can teach my back not to hurt when I run, I can teach my brain to stop feeling other pains too. It's time to start trying to manage my chronic pain ...

317 Miles Down 24 Miles to Go

Tiny Melt Down

My exboyfriend from Chicago has a new girlfriend.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  As soon as I found out, I jumped in the shower and cried for at least half an hour.  I just couldn't stop all the emotions.  He left to be on his own?  He left so that he could figure out what he wanted?  He hated that he was risking losing me?  And the worst part, I should not care at all anymore.  Why was I this upset in the first place?  I barely talk to him anymore ...

I handled this like any mature adult would.  I drank.  I finally told one of my friends what happened and why I was so upset and she rather bluntly said, "Does this even have anything to do with him?  Are you just upset that you're single and he's not?"  I'm not really sure ... but that does make sense.  A week ago I didn't care.  Knowing that he was dating someone else just solidified the fact that we were not ever getting back together.  We went back and forth for so long ... I think it just sank in that that was over.  I know its a good thing, and I knew it was over before I found out he was dating someone else.  But I couldn't stop that feeling that all my insides were twisted, so I distracted myself with drinking and dancing until I forgot about it.  I'm not really sure how I got on this emotional roller coaster.  And then I woke up in the nice guys apartment ...

312 Miles Down 29 Miles to Go

"Nice" Guys

It's time to identify a trend in my dating life.  They are all pretty much assholes.  I know everyone is always saying, "Why do girls always date bad guys?" or something like, "Nice guys always finish last."  Last night I went out with someone who is just really nice to me.  He just right away seems like a genuinely good guy. He asked me to get a drink and talk about a case competition I was doing, and after a few hours we hadn't touched on the case competition.  It was actually really refreshing and a little bit scary at the same time.  I've been looking for this!  I ordered a martini that sounded awesome ... and it was terrible.  He switched with me and ended up drinking a blue martini while I was drinking a vodka soda. He's not like the guys I usually date.  He's not super into sports, he's from San Francisco, his idea of a date was the two of us getting a drink and talking.  Most guys I've dated have taken me to a dive bar to watch a sports game, and usually at some point we end up with all his friends.  I actually really love dive bars.  I also really love watching a game in them, but at a certain point I had to realize that I wanted other things too.  I think this is what I realized when the marine came to visit me.  He landed and went to the bars to meet his friends.  He came over two hours after he said he would, and he was a little bit drunk.  It just does not make you feel special.  Anyways ... this new nice guy is also quite a bit older than me (ten years), which made me nervous at first.  But after going out, I think that maybe 10 years is a good amount of time ...

308 Miles Down 33 Miles to Go

I would have killed him.

Yesterday I had a moment where I just had to stop myself and yell at me, "What the hell are you doing?!?!?!"  It started completely normal and escalated quickly.  I had been planning going on a ski trip for a while ... and I was starting to have second thoughts.  They overbooked the house, and to be honest, I'm too old to get wasted and sleep on a roll of toilet paper for a weekend as a pillow.  It wouldn't have been that bad ... but I feel the same about trundle beds as I do about wood floors and toilet paper pillows.  I wasn't skiing and started to think of all the other things I could do with my weekend.  As I commiserated with my friend who also was planning on backing out, we started listing all the other things we'd rather do.  I hate communal food ... which was the game plan for the weekend.  I told him I didn't want to live without oranges for four days, and communal food is always 95% carbs.

As we complained, he said, "I'm not hitting on you.  But we should get a hotel in Boston.  You can have oranges.  I won't slobber on your alcohol.  Guaranteed own bed.  Also sweet hotel robes."  My first thought was this sounds indefinitely better.  I started googling for crazy things to do in Boston and looking at hotels in Boston.  Enter, "WTF" moment.  Friday night was Valentine's Day.  I was searching for a hotel room on Valentine's Day with my friend ... who was not single.  I decided two things when that happen.  One: Time to put some space between me and him.  Two: You can't just find people you like and spend time with them.  If my husband was talking to another girl how he was talking to me ... I would have been really hurt.  Then I would have killed him.  I think maybe I'll just put a little space between us ... I do not want to wake up and realize one day that I'm starting to have feelings for someone who is taken ...

305 Miles Down 36 Miles to Go

"Happy"

It felt so good to get back into three mile runs today.  After nursing my heel, I was just dying to really move and get sweaty again.

I got an email earlier this week that literally made me jump out of my chair.  I got an interview with one of the biggest hospitals in Boston.  I'd met an alumni there a few weeks ago who encouraged me to apply for the position, but I live in Boston.  There are so many good schools out here going for the same position I wanted that I assumed I'd have to find back ups in other cities.  He sent me a very nice email saying that I was great and passionate and was really going to make a difference.  He encouraged me to start my career at the hospital he was at.  But, they received over 200 applications for a handful of positions.  I feel like this is one of those things for me that I've been wanting for so long, that I feel a bit frozen that it could be so close.  I left my family, friends, job, relationships, and home to move out here and try something new.  I know no matter what happens while I'm out here, I'll have a good experience, but I want the experience I set out here to have.  I want to be in a big hospital learning how they operate.  I started playing the Pharrell song "Happy" and dancing all around my apartment.

Also ...  I will need to kick it up a notch to beat this goal.

302 Miles Down 39 Miles to Go

The First Bend

I missed it. But I'm not stopping

Something odd happens when you've been single and moving around the country on your own.  I realized for the first time, I'm living completely untied down.  I don't actually have to do anything I don't want to do.  In every relationship I've been in, I've done things like stay in, go out, travel, see movies I didn't want to, because my boyfriend wanted to.  It's not bad to do the things he wants to, you have to do it ... But it's a little bit great not to feel obligated.

I've been talking to my ex who I have crazy chemistry with a lot, and he said something that I can't seem to forget about.  He lives in Florida now, and he said, "I am nervous dating you wouldn't work now.  I think you'd resent me for moving to Florida eventually."  What?!  Who said I was moving to Florida? He assumed that if we got back together, that I would move there with him and just piece into his life that he has.  I was confused because I'd love to travel around and live somewhere new with someone I'm dating, so moving to Florida sounds kind of exciting.  But I can't do it with him ... It would be the first bend.  If I bend for him once, I'm sure I'll end up doing all the things he wants to and forgetting about all the goals I've made for myself.  He didn't seem to understand why I want to work in a hospital, or why I picked up and moved to Boston for school.  I realized that he hasn't really known me at all after my skiing accident, which changed a lot of things for me.

I had a short run today ... Still recovering.  I realized that I missed my goal, but I'm not stopping.  I will finish this mileage challenge if I have to overcome 100 injuries.  So I'm adding on another month and another 26 miles.

Challenge accepted.  No bending.

299 Miles Down 43 Miles to Go