One More Run ...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much happier I've been, and what has made me so happy.  I look at my friends and family and I want to be as happy as they are.  I've been comparing my happiness to people getting engaged, married, puppies, houses ... But none getting their MBA's.  I'm not the same as them, and I'm sure they were happy before they did all those things, just like I am now.  Also, for the first time since high school, I'm so happy with my body.  Not because I "look" a certain way, but because in the beginning I was dying after one mile, and this week I will run more than 20 miles.  I wanted to do a marathon a month, and this week, I'll almost do that!  I could run forever ... except today.  Today I was dying with two minutes left in my four miles.  I think it was because I'd been running 4+ miles back to back, but I felt like my legs were giving up.  I kept thinking in my mind that I did not spend a year running to walk the final few miles, and I just kept pushing myself ... This is not the time to stop kicking ass.

When I think about all the things that I think will make me happy, it's a lot easier for me to define them now. I use to want a serious relationship, lots of friends, kids and a puppy.  Somehow I got wrapped up in the wrong relationship, and I ignored all the signs that we were wrong for each other.  I've stopped tying my "happiness" to a person or thing, but tying it to my ability to do the things I want to do.  I've been running, eating healthy, putting myself through college, and traveling wherever I want to go.  I feel like I've taken the last year of my life and given myself a hard reset.  My old work out is now my warm up.  I can't lose weight because I'm all muscle.  I'm going to be the first one in my family to get an MBA, and I'm the first one to move away from home.

I took a deep breath, and focused on the fact that I only have two minutes left ... plus one more run tomorrow.  One more run ...

364 Miles Down 3 Miles to Go

Location is a Deal Breaker?

I did not want to run today. If it was any other day of this personal challenge I would have skipped and promised myself I'd make up the mileage later. There was no later today so I needed to get my butt up and moving. I was really wound up and frustrated. I spent the other night talking to one if my Chicago friends who I wrote about earlier ... I dragged my toes to tell him I was moving to Boston, because I wanted him to ask me out.  Once I finally told him, he responded exactly how I thought he would, "But you're moving ..."  I can't blame him, but I was hung up on the fact that I just didn't care about distance when I thought of him. I'm not quite sure why.

I spent a couple hours talking to him the other day about his career, and he's really made me think.  He reminded me of how restless I was once I realized I wanted to go back to school.  Jumping from career to career option, and not really knowing where to land next.  Eventually somehow we landed on the topic of dating, "saving yourself for marriage," and Fifty Shades of Grey.  It felt really good to have an open honest conversation with someone about dating.  After talking about Fifty Shades of Grey, it finally got personal. He started joking about how he was an attractive guy with a big heart ... and I reminded him that I tried to tell him these things when I still lived in Chicago.  He acknowledged that he freaked out, pushed me away, and kept me at a distance.  Then the truth surfaced, everyone has different deal breakers.  For him one of them was location.  For me, I never considered any place other than Chicago home, so I never considered me moving to Boston for school a deal breaker to date someone in Chicago that I really wanted to be with.  I let him know that I didn't believe location was a deal breaker for me, and he agreed that he could see that perspective.  I sort of wish he saw it two years ago... when I wanted him to ask me out, but what can I do. He said we could pick up the conversation from here next time we talked, and we left it at that.

It's kind of funny how sometimes things frustrate you when they happen, but they resurface again later in the strangest of ways.  I didn't see location as a deal breaker, but I can understand how someone else would. I'm not really sure what will come of this later, if anything, but reconnecting was very refreshing.

360 Miles Down 7 Miles to Go

"Home"

Today I finally admitted defeat.  I live in Boston.  I'm no longer a Chicagoan.  I miss the Weiner Circle at 2:00 AM, being two blocks from the beach, and even the cubs fans throwing up on my sidewalk.  So here I am, admitting that I live here, and for the time being here I will stay.

I finally spent some time moving into my apartment.  I unpacked the final Ikea packages I'd been pretending not to see.  I put my mattress on a bed frame.  I hung all my postcards on the wall so I'd be reminded of the trips I'd taken.  I found a church and started actually going.  I joined a yoga studio.  Time to establish a connection to the city of Boston other than my classroom and local pub bubble.

I remember in college when my boyfriend at the time (the one who lives in Florida now) told me he was moving to London for graduate school.  I freaked out, and he seemed so calm.  I remember us talking about what would happen when we were in different countries.  I was 21, and I was planning on graduating and following him across the Atlantic Ocean.  I had barely been out of the country myself at the time ... and I thought this was a completely logical next step for us.  I remember defining "home" as laying your roots in another person, and home could be wherever you were together.  He always woke me up by saying, "Goodmorning Beautiful," and although I didn't, I felt like I could find "home" somewhere other than the structure I grew up in.  We're not together anymore, and my home definitely isn't him, but I like the concept of not feeling tied down to a brick structure as a "home."  I can feel at home wherever I have my running shoes, my friends, and the road to myself.  I can always rely on my running shoes.

356 Miles Down 11 Miles to Go

Running Towards It

I need to knock off some serious mileage ... so today I resorted to the treadmill, which I've grown to hate.  It ... is ... just ... so ... boring ... and stationary.  I've been running literally, and running figuratively for over a year now.  I feel like I started this challenge to run away from things.  I have run away from a million different things, letting frustration fuel my progress.  I've run from exboyfriends, bad kissers, shin splints, boredom, crappy friends, rain, wind tunnels, work, homework, and the picture of what I thought my life should be now.

For one of the first times, I wasn't running away from anything today.  I was thinking as I finished one of my only five mile runs, that after this I only have 14 miles left to go.  I've started finding things I want, and then getting them.  I wanted my MBA, I want the experience of leaving home, I want to travel, I want to eat healthy, I want to be stronger, I want to work in a hospital.  There were so many things I wanted to do that I am no longer thinking about but I'm actually doing them.  It's just that easy ... I made a list of things I want, and then I did those things.  I don't feel stationary anymore, I feel like I've moved.  Literally, I have moved to Boston, but I feel like I've put a hard "reset" on life.  I love taking time to myself, running, and taking the time to process my day.  I also love how great my legs look now.  Who knew?

It's time to find some new things to run towards, like new vacations and exploring, the finish line of graduate school, my decision to pick a new career, finding a way to run more than five miles at a time, my next city, and maybe even a puppy.  So many new things to run towards ...

353 Miles Down 14 Miles to Go

Exactly How to Be Happy

I realize today that I've spent a year forcing myself to think about everything in my life.  I know I've spent a great deal of time focusing on dating, my career, where I live, how much I work out, what work out I do ... Everything.  I'm so happy I'm taking the time and energy to process things and internalize them.  But the biggest thing I've learned is to take it all in, learn from it, and then just let it go.  I've made lots of changes in my life over the past year, but I've really just reaffirmed what makes me happy and tried to find the path to be there.  A year ago when I started this mission, I was incredibly unhappy.  I remember sitting on a city bus on a rainy Chicago day explaining to one of my best friends from college, I'm going to fix my life by running. Thank God she didn't think I was crazy, I may have never done this.  I couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy, and it was probably a million things happening in my life all colliding together.  I'm 19 miles from the end goal, and I honestly don't think much of that has changed.  The only difference now is that I've learned somehow not to let if affect me.  Crap will always be a part of life, but instead of holding onto it, you can acknowledge it, forget it, and move onto something that will make you happier.

The less I've focused on things that upset me, and more on things that make me happier I've learned to shift my mood.  Nothing has ever changed my attitude as quickly as a long run and a good smoothie.  Two things I rarely did before this year started.  In the beginning I felt like I was trying to convince myself to be happier, and now I feel like I know exactly how to do it.

348 Miles Down 19 Miles to Go

Rip off the Band aid

Spending the week on a beach with some good friends was exactly what I needed.  I feel incredibly refreshed, and there is nothing like spending one week in a studio apartment with a bunch of friends to bond you.  I'm at the edge of my first year, and I literally can not believe how fast time is moving.

Last night I had a surprise visitor to Boston, Sex or No was here.  I had been so wrapped up in the sunshine and cuban food that I had blocked out anything that wasn't directly seeking me out at the moment.  I feel like I've been slowly moving on in my own time, and never really had that "jolt" or "push" a new relationship gives you.  As soon as you become wrapped up in someone new, all that history you were trying to forget about seems so trivial.  Almost to the point that I can't believe how much I thought about it before.  It seems like one day you need to stand up, decide its over, and rip off the band aid.  So I had a message from him to come meet him out, and I figured why not.  I really liked him when we were hanging out in Chicago, but we were just on two different pages and neither of us were settling enough to start a relationship.

As soon as we got a second alone, he kissed me and said "Can I come back to your house." Smooth move.  I've decided to answer the question very selectively, and it seemed like someone from Chicago who I wasn't going to see again didn't quite feel right.  It was really good to see him again, and I wish we lived closer, but I something felt off and I couldn't say yes.  So I told him I'd see him in Chicago and we left it at that.  I got hassled a little by my friends for turning him down, but I'm not sure how to say yes to that proposition and still show someone I want to be in a serious relationship.  So until I figure that out ...

I've also realized ... I'm going to have to run an incredible amount in the next few weeks to meet my goal ... But I'm getting much better at it ... Similar to picking boys ...

344 Miles Down 23 Miles to Go

They're Making More Everyday

Being that I was so close to my college ex who lives in Florida, I sent him a note to see if he wanted to meet up for dinner.  He replied, "Can I bring my girlfriend?"  Awesome.  I'm not sure why he didn't tell me, and I'm even more unsure why he thought this would be the best way to tell me.  I took off running down the side of the beach, actually looking forward to the sand patches today.  I wanted something thrown in my way that I knew would suck but I could take on.  I could barely breathe when I finished the sand patch, so I ran another mile.  My legs hurt so bad in strange places, I was discovering tiny muscles that I didn't know I had. Running on sand is the worst.  I got back and checked a picture that I had posted ...

... Sitting next to it was a picture of my Chicago ex and his new girlfriend.  His profile picture of them pops up every time he likes something I post.  And he has been liking things on my facebook ... Which I find mildly annoying.  It's hard to purge him from my memory when he does things like this.  I want to focus on sustaining the fact that I don't want him in my life anymore.  So I "unsubscribed" him from me, along with the Florida ex.  He won't see anything I say now unless he seeks me out.  I've been good at keeping him out of conversations with my friends here because I'd like him to stay in Chicago, but I mentioned it to my friend. She said so simply, "Great.  He can be with someone else.  She can have all the good stuff, but she's getting all the crappy annoying stuff you hated too.  Don't forget that.  There are a lot of other guys out there, and they're making more of them everyday."

Also after being down here, I've decided I want to be Cuban.  The food, the dancing, the careless fun!

340 Miles Down 27 Miles to Go

Arranged Marriages

I'm not sure if other girls operate the same way I do, but I for some reason always have a handful of guys I'm talking to.  I've somehow managed to find guys that I'd like to be with but for whatever circumstantial reason, I can't.  So I end up keeping in touch, meeting them randomly, and occasionally spending a few hours on the phone catching up.  I've always thought this was a good quality, but I think I'm letting it hold me back.  I'm keeping these tiny touch points of a relationship in the back of my mind, and I realized that I shouldn't do that.

One of my friends who I was traveling to Miami with me is from India, and he was suckered into listening to me and another friend talk about dating and guys for a chunk of vacation.  He finally blurted out, "Now I know why they do arranged marriages in India."  He said people go into arranged marriages with a completely different mindset than people who pick their own spouse.  They go into it knowing that they will have to make compromises to make it work for the rest of their lives.  Their spouse is chosen by their parents, they meet and usually "date" for a few months and decide that they want to get married.  It's completely different than in the US where we go into it thinking, "I'll make this work and worst case I will get divorced."  The funny thing is that the divorce rate for arranged marriages is lower than the divorce rate for non-arranged marriages.  It works ... You change the way you think about something, and you can drastically change the way your life turns out ... It's time to stop maintaining all these tiny touch points and let myself find one touch point.

336 Miles Down 31 Miles to Go

Alone Time

Today I ran in Miami!  I'm continuing to bring my runs to the most exotic locations possible.  I ran today with one of my good friends and his wife.  I use to think that working out was something that should stay completely out of a relationship.  I usually wearing loose fitting clothes, I have no make up on, and I believe that if you're not sweaty you haven't worked out hard enough.  So it's not always the most attractive.  After about a mile, the path we were running on was underconstruction and there was a detour.  Through the sand.  No one warned me that running in the sand was like running a marathon without training.  I consider myself in pretty good shape, but I couldn't feel my legs or breathe.  Something about running with someone though made me not want to chicken out.

I'm not sure why, but I always want my alone time.  I love being alone, and working out has pretty much been my steady alone time, not couple time.  It feels so good to have nothing to think about except for not tripping on a stick on the ground.  This past year I've gone through a lot, and I've felt some strange connection to my ex-boyfriend and I've not really been able to pin point why but I think I'm starting to understand that he was not the person who I should be dating.  Maybe if I was dating the right guy, like my married couple friends, I wouldn't need so much alone time.

This week I spent 24 hours driving from Boston to Miami in the car with four friends.  Friends don't replace completely dating someone, but I've had so much fun on this trip so far that it's doing a pretty good job distracting me.  I've been eating Cuban food, dancing, running on the beach, and just having a good time ... That's exactly what I moved across the country to find.

333 Miles Down 34 Miles to Go

Learn From My Mistakes

My favorite people are back at the gym!  Spring breakers!  Sweat suits and light jogging and stair climbers. Trying to sweat off a few pounds still smelling like booze from last night.  I miss undergrad.

My goal for today was to learn from my previous mistakes.  I keep pushing and pushing and pushing myself and getting stupid setbacks like shin splints or injured heels.  So I decided today not to over due it.  I've had three five mile runs in a row, which is something I've never done post injury.  I've also never done this pre-injury.  I've been working so hard that I am back to where I left off before I skied into a few trees.  I think I need to reevaluate how I am living and changing.  I need to learn from my mistakes, and not go back to the old habits I had that made me so miserable when I started this challenge.  I've worked so hard on identifying what they are, but now that I know what they are, I need to be aware when I am making those same mistakes again.  I can't keep re-connecting with exboyfriends.  What is done is done.  I can't keep considering a career that personally sucked for me.  I need to continue eating healthy and keeping myself in shape.

Today I avoided pushing myself two extra miles and risking hurting my knee again.  Now I just need to learn how to apply this concept to life and not just running ...

330 Miles Down 37 Miles to Go

Sustainability

I'm finally fired up, and stamina to keep up with it.  I ran five miles today, and I stopped because I was running out of time.  As soon as I finish this challenge, I want to run a half marathon.  I've been talking about it for years now, and it's time to buckle down, pick one and run it.

I've been shifting my focus towards a "buzz word" that is all around MBA world: sustainability.  I've been working so hard the past year to make tiny and drastic changes to my life, and I want to make sure I make them a part of my new life and not just a collection of random things I did.  I really need to untangle myself from the boys in my life and be able to meet a new one.  I can run five miles and I can keep up with all the things I've changed in my life.  I've noticed reading back through the "decisions" I've made that I can be a bit of a flip flopper.  I even got a bit annoyed with myself.  I always want to be open to new experiences and whatever twists and turns life throws at me, but for pete's sake sometimes you have to say no to things. Some things are just bad for you and you have to only let them be part of the past.  I've had such a hard time for whatever reason recognizing what pieces to leave and which ones to keep with me.

I've focused on three major areas: Boys, Jobs, and Health.  At least I've identified that I was miserable with my decisions in all areas before I started this challenge.  I narrowed down the three problem areas and am making tiny changes in all of them.  I really expected some big "Kablam!!" moment or something to happen to me like it does in books and movies, but it turns out my journey was lots and lots of tiny changes that brought me back to grad school in another state: going vegetarian (or clean eating), focusing on a career in hospital management, and choosing to be single instead of with someone I know isn't a good fit for me.  All things I'm frustrated with at times, but happier with now that I'm here.

I've been pretty good at eating vegetarian, watching my nutrition, finding new recipes, cooking at home, and it is amazing how much what you eat affects your mood.  I've worked my way through the professional network in Boston and found a job this summer doing hospital administration, which is perfectly in line with what I think my career will be.  So we will see!  I thing the source of my flip flopping is the boys.  Maybe this is where the big "Kablam" moment will come?  I have no idea ...

327 Miles Down 14 Miles to Go

Keeping it Charged

Today I was running away from something else frustrating.  I was in a team meeting, and I opened my email to see an interview invitation for the hospital I was targeting in Chicago.  The hospital I wanted to work at before I went back to school to get my MBA.  I applied as a random applicant who had no connections to the hospital.  I knew these interviews were very competitive to get, and I was so upset I closed my computer and walked out of the room.  I've already accepted an internship at the biggest hospital in Boston, doing exactly what I'd be doing in Chicago.  Arguably a better position, but I wanted to be home again.  I'm not sure why ... But I feel this crazy obligation to live next door to my family.  I am pretty sure if I try really hard I can get my sister or something to move to where I am.  We'll see, for now I'm getting ready for my first summer away from Chicago.  I'm inventorying all my Bostonian friends and collecting the ones who will be here to entertain me this summer.  I'm finding some good ones.  I'll put my Chicago hospital on hold for this. Who knows, maybe I'll end up liking it here more.

I also had a super weird interaction with the Nice guy last weekend.  We went out for a friends birthday, and he came over after.  We fell asleep at my house, and the next thing I remember is being woken up in a haze in the middle of the night.  "Hey ... Can you come lock the door behind me?  I'm gonna go home."  I woke up and he was gone, and I could barely remember this conversation.  Super strange ... He sent me a message in the morning and apologized ... but I'm starting to think we just aren't compatible.  I'm not sure why, but I miss the bickering.  I miss the joking, arguing, and making up.  It just doesn't feel as charged as I'm use to.  I need that shock that keeps me on my toes and keeps everything spicy and fun.

322 Miles Down 19 Miles to Go

Chronic Pain Management

This run was a cause for celebration.  I've broke through the four mile run habit I was stuck in.  Five miles, and I wasn't even tired.  I feel a little bit like someone lit a fire under me, and I just took off.  Something snapped and I not only wanted to move forward, but I just got up and did it.

I've been back in physical therapy for my back, and it is probably the most frustrating trip to physical therapy I've had.  I've had back pain for about five years now.  It started from sitting in a bed for six months and not walking.  I lost a ton of weight and most of the muscles in my legs which only made it worse.  I spent some time in physical therapy right after my accident focusing on my back, but it never really made any lasting impact.  It got so bad that I resorted to cortisone shots a few times.  The second time I got one, I turned on the news two days later and there was a meningitis outbreak.  Caused by a specific form of cortisone that was injected into the spine.  I was instantly convinced that I had meningitis.  After about four frantic calls to my doctor I decided taking three cortisone shots to the spine is not something I want to do on a regular basis.

I felt a little bad for the physical therapist that is working with me now when I went in for my first visit.  I am healthy, I work out 3-5 times a week, I've been in physical therapy for three years, and I have literally tried everything.  However ... still in pain.  "Structurally I should be fine" or at least that's what the doctor told me, and I just sort of gave up assuming I'd be in a mild amount of pain most of the time.  I don't want to be on drugs, and I don't want to be in physical therapy forever so I just deal with the pain.  The other day when I went in though, we didn't start with the normal spinal stretches ... But they wanted to talk.  Weird thing for a physical therapist.  She wanted to tell me that she understands what I'm going through, she had back pain for years after a snowboarding accident and that it did go away but it took a lot of work.  My other physical therapist (I have one and a student that works with him) wanted to talk to me about chronic pain management.

In general pain is caused by some kind of trigger.  With chronic pain your body can get use to it, and continue sensing the pain even though the trigger is no longer there.  The way they explained it is through Phantom Limb Syndrome.  Sometimes when people lose limbs they can still feel it.  The brain is so powerful that it can imagine a finger on your body when there is no finger on your body.

The moral of the story today, is that you have the power to reprogram the way your brain thinks.  Your brain associates pain with certain activities where it was always present, but you can teach your brain that the pain is gone.  If I can teach my back not to hurt when I run, I can teach my brain to stop feeling other pains too. It's time to start trying to manage my chronic pain ...

317 Miles Down 24 Miles to Go

Tiny Melt Down

My exboyfriend from Chicago has a new girlfriend.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  As soon as I found out, I jumped in the shower and cried for at least half an hour.  I just couldn't stop all the emotions.  He left to be on his own?  He left so that he could figure out what he wanted?  He hated that he was risking losing me?  And the worst part, I should not care at all anymore.  Why was I this upset in the first place?  I barely talk to him anymore ...

I handled this like any mature adult would.  I drank.  I finally told one of my friends what happened and why I was so upset and she rather bluntly said, "Does this even have anything to do with him?  Are you just upset that you're single and he's not?"  I'm not really sure ... but that does make sense.  A week ago I didn't care.  Knowing that he was dating someone else just solidified the fact that we were not ever getting back together.  We went back and forth for so long ... I think it just sank in that that was over.  I know its a good thing, and I knew it was over before I found out he was dating someone else.  But I couldn't stop that feeling that all my insides were twisted, so I distracted myself with drinking and dancing until I forgot about it.  I'm not really sure how I got on this emotional roller coaster.  And then I woke up in the nice guys apartment ...

312 Miles Down 29 Miles to Go

"Nice" Guys

It's time to identify a trend in my dating life.  They are all pretty much assholes.  I know everyone is always saying, "Why do girls always date bad guys?" or something like, "Nice guys always finish last."  Last night I went out with someone who is just really nice to me.  He just right away seems like a genuinely good guy. He asked me to get a drink and talk about a case competition I was doing, and after a few hours we hadn't touched on the case competition.  It was actually really refreshing and a little bit scary at the same time.  I've been looking for this!  I ordered a martini that sounded awesome ... and it was terrible.  He switched with me and ended up drinking a blue martini while I was drinking a vodka soda. He's not like the guys I usually date.  He's not super into sports, he's from San Francisco, his idea of a date was the two of us getting a drink and talking.  Most guys I've dated have taken me to a dive bar to watch a sports game, and usually at some point we end up with all his friends.  I actually really love dive bars.  I also really love watching a game in them, but at a certain point I had to realize that I wanted other things too.  I think this is what I realized when the marine came to visit me.  He landed and went to the bars to meet his friends.  He came over two hours after he said he would, and he was a little bit drunk.  It just does not make you feel special.  Anyways ... this new nice guy is also quite a bit older than me (ten years), which made me nervous at first.  But after going out, I think that maybe 10 years is a good amount of time ...

308 Miles Down 33 Miles to Go

I would have killed him.

Yesterday I had a moment where I just had to stop myself and yell at me, "What the hell are you doing?!?!?!"  It started completely normal and escalated quickly.  I had been planning going on a ski trip for a while ... and I was starting to have second thoughts.  They overbooked the house, and to be honest, I'm too old to get wasted and sleep on a roll of toilet paper for a weekend as a pillow.  It wouldn't have been that bad ... but I feel the same about trundle beds as I do about wood floors and toilet paper pillows.  I wasn't skiing and started to think of all the other things I could do with my weekend.  As I commiserated with my friend who also was planning on backing out, we started listing all the other things we'd rather do.  I hate communal food ... which was the game plan for the weekend.  I told him I didn't want to live without oranges for four days, and communal food is always 95% carbs.

As we complained, he said, "I'm not hitting on you.  But we should get a hotel in Boston.  You can have oranges.  I won't slobber on your alcohol.  Guaranteed own bed.  Also sweet hotel robes."  My first thought was this sounds indefinitely better.  I started googling for crazy things to do in Boston and looking at hotels in Boston.  Enter, "WTF" moment.  Friday night was Valentine's Day.  I was searching for a hotel room on Valentine's Day with my friend ... who was not single.  I decided two things when that happen.  One: Time to put some space between me and him.  Two: You can't just find people you like and spend time with them.  If my husband was talking to another girl how he was talking to me ... I would have been really hurt.  Then I would have killed him.  I think maybe I'll just put a little space between us ... I do not want to wake up and realize one day that I'm starting to have feelings for someone who is taken ...

305 Miles Down 36 Miles to Go

"Happy"

It felt so good to get back into three mile runs today.  After nursing my heel, I was just dying to really move and get sweaty again.

I got an email earlier this week that literally made me jump out of my chair.  I got an interview with one of the biggest hospitals in Boston.  I'd met an alumni there a few weeks ago who encouraged me to apply for the position, but I live in Boston.  There are so many good schools out here going for the same position I wanted that I assumed I'd have to find back ups in other cities.  He sent me a very nice email saying that I was great and passionate and was really going to make a difference.  He encouraged me to start my career at the hospital he was at.  But, they received over 200 applications for a handful of positions.  I feel like this is one of those things for me that I've been wanting for so long, that I feel a bit frozen that it could be so close.  I left my family, friends, job, relationships, and home to move out here and try something new.  I know no matter what happens while I'm out here, I'll have a good experience, but I want the experience I set out here to have.  I want to be in a big hospital learning how they operate.  I started playing the Pharrell song "Happy" and dancing all around my apartment.

Also ...  I will need to kick it up a notch to beat this goal.

302 Miles Down 39 Miles to Go

The First Bend

I missed it. But I'm not stopping

Something odd happens when you've been single and moving around the country on your own.  I realized for the first time, I'm living completely untied down.  I don't actually have to do anything I don't want to do.  In every relationship I've been in, I've done things like stay in, go out, travel, see movies I didn't want to, because my boyfriend wanted to.  It's not bad to do the things he wants to, you have to do it ... But it's a little bit great not to feel obligated.

I've been talking to my ex who I have crazy chemistry with a lot, and he said something that I can't seem to forget about.  He lives in Florida now, and he said, "I am nervous dating you wouldn't work now.  I think you'd resent me for moving to Florida eventually."  What?!  Who said I was moving to Florida? He assumed that if we got back together, that I would move there with him and just piece into his life that he has.  I was confused because I'd love to travel around and live somewhere new with someone I'm dating, so moving to Florida sounds kind of exciting.  But I can't do it with him ... It would be the first bend.  If I bend for him once, I'm sure I'll end up doing all the things he wants to and forgetting about all the goals I've made for myself.  He didn't seem to understand why I want to work in a hospital, or why I picked up and moved to Boston for school.  I realized that he hasn't really known me at all after my skiing accident, which changed a lot of things for me.

I had a short run today ... Still recovering.  I realized that I missed my goal, but I'm not stopping.  I will finish this mileage challenge if I have to overcome 100 injuries.  So I'm adding on another month and another 26 miles.

Challenge accepted.  No bending.

299 Miles Down 43 Miles to Go

Work Husbands

One mile!!! I'm going so slow.  I hate it.  I really don't know anyone who is alright with setbacks, and I know I need to just figure out a way to deal with it ... But right now this makes me super crabby.  Getting back to 100% myself is taking forever.  I'm in the middle of internship searching now, and I am waiting to hear from a really big hospital in Boston that is my first choice. It makes me so nervous to wait and wait and wait ... I've been working on this for so long ...

The more I talk to people in consulting, the more I realize that all the money, hotel status, airline miles, crazy travel plans, free amex points ... I was going to say aren't worth it, but then I realized that I really miss those things.  I have a good friend here, who was also interviewing for a consulting position and said to me, "We should both go! It would be so fun! We can hang out all summer!"  I freaked out a little bit.  We use to have a name for this when I was in consulting, "Work Husband."  You eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together, you share a car, you go to the gym together, you work next to each other, you're in the same hotel ... I've made some good friends this way, but then we always go home on the weekends and after a year we live in different states.  I always had a love hate relationship with it.  I was overpaid, learning a lot, and traveling all over the world.  But "date night" ment facetiming my boyfriend while I had room service alone in my hotel.  Everytime I wanted to walk away from it, I would get a raise or a promotion or a new project somewhere awesome and stay. Being gone so much put so much space between me and my boyfriend at the time that I remember getting a huge raise (~$10,000) and not even telling him.  I'm not sure why exactly I didn't tell him, but he just didn't seem to understand.  My work husband knew though ...

Recovery from running injuries is a frustrating process ... But I will do it.  I just get up and decide it's time to run again.  Sometimes I'm fine, and sometimes my knee hurts or I am so exhausted I can't breathe when I run, but I always get through it.  Rearranging my life is the same.  I go back and forth on missing someone who I know is not good for me, and I go back and forth about a career that I also know is not good for me. I guess I need to just learn from running.  Make the decision.  Just do it, and be done.  I don't want another work husband, I think I'd be happier with a real one.

298 Miles Down 18 Miles to Go

Did he hit on you?!

I had a pretty strange experience last week.  I was contacted randomly by a manager at a big health care organization in Boston.  He wanted to talk to me about an open position in his group.  He set up some time to talk with me on the phone, and scheduled quickly a meeting with me to come in and talk with him more about creating an internship for me in person.  I figured either the group was a huge mess and needed some kind of change or this was just way too good to be true.  He wanted me to come in and meet all the different groups he managed and design an internship for me around something that I found interesting.  He worked in IT, and I'm pretty sure he grabbed my name because I worked in consulting for a few years in IT.

Well I put this idea in my back pocket and kept it on the table as an option.  Until I talked to another alumni who worked for him.  I asked her if she knew him and what she thought of him as a manager.  The first thing she said to me was, "Did he hit on you?!?!"  I was baffled.  This literally never crossed my mind, and then I realized he never even asked me for my resume and he was offering for me to design any kind of internship I wanted?  It didn't add up ...

I took that option off the table.

297 Miles Down 19 Miles to Go

A Man on My Couch

Today I had a different kind of wedding ring seeking.  I went on a fancy dinner with one of my friends here.  We were talking about how it sucks not to be able to go out to dinner and get dressed up.  I'm single, and his wife is currently living out of state.  So, we decided to get dressed up and go out to eat, along with another one of my girlfriends.  Dinner was awesome, and we went to a bar afterwards that had a jukebox.  I had a beer ... and then I woke up in my bed.  Somehow I forgot the whole night.  I immediately changed into pajamas, went to the bathroom, and wandered into the kitchen for water.  I felt like I could drink all the water the faucet could give me and still be thirsty.  And he was sleeping on my couch.  Shiiiittttt.  Hate blacking out!

After I woke him up fumbling for a cup and water, he filled me in on some pieces I didn't remember.  1.  I threw up on him.  2. I forced him to watch several episodes of Pawn Stars.  3.  We spent quite a bit of time talking about his wife, apparently I had a lot of questions.  As soon as he realized I was fine and awake, he left.  Needless to say I had a lot to think about.

294 Miles Down 22 Miles to Go

Wedding Ring Seeker

Just as I start putting consulting on the table for all the good things it has, I am reminded of all the bad things it has to come along with.  I went to a health care panel today (in graduate school they are always pushing you into "career exploration" which I usually hate, but today was awesome) and there were three women on the panel who were running hospitals in Boston.  ALL of them had wedding rings on.  I started thinking about my old gone Monday-Friday life, and I had a mini panic attack.  I don't want to put myself into a situation where I can't meet anyone.  When I think about dating a consultant, I am not even a little bit attracted to the idea because I know I'll be having dinner alone four nights out of seven.  I know I'll be sleeping alone, and I know I won't be able to talk to them for more than five minutes at a time all week.  If I hate the idea of this, how can I expect someone else to be okay with it?  Also, I tend to get fat from eating out at restaurants too much.  So there's that too ...

291 Miles Down 24 Miles To Go

Pushing Myself From the Beginning Again

When I got on the treadmill today, there was this super tiny long blonde haired girl in front of me.  I laughed, and thought for sure I could beat her.  Race was on!  And she was actually beating me!  I have to stop hypothetically racing with strangers in the gym ...  My heel was killing me  ... but I wanted more than one mile.  I literally hate recovery, all I can think about is how far behind I am from what I could do when I was healthy.

I keep thinking about a case we did in school, Coke vs. Pepsi: cola wars.  You'd think by looking at the companies that they are in strong competition with each other.  As we dove into how cola is made, concentrate, bottling, etc, we realized that the industry doesn't have strong rivalry.  You think they have to hurt each other in competition to win, but it turns out that when they work together ... They're each unstoppable.  They push each other to be innovative and successful.  This is the relationship I want, with a boyfriend and with a boss.  My professor said that one of the companies even quoted, "Without Pepsi, I wouldn't be where I am today.  They made us better."  So ... I guess that tiny stupid blonde girl (she's probably not stupid) making me upset that she could run forever was a good thing.  Because I stayed on that stupid treadmill when I wanted to get off.  I hate recovery so much, but here I am pushing myself from the beginning again.

288 Miles Down 27 Miles To Go

Waiting ...

Today I am waiting ... and waiting ... and I really hate waiting.  I went on a trip with some friends up to Maine (checking it off the bucket list of amazing places to visit).  I've had this good friend since college ... about nine years now ... and we've always been really close.  We almost dated senior year, but as soon as we got close I got a job in Chicago and he got one in Minneapolis.  So I shyed away from it, he was one of my best friends and I saw it ending messy.  Nothing more than that really ever happened, we stayed really close and vacationed together (with groups) a few times (India, Munich, Amsterdam, Back to IU ... ).  He's always been one of those guys who I knew I would date eventually when the time was right, but we just haven't been in a position to since college.

Lately, I'd been thinking about the fact that we can sit and talk for hours and it seems like minutes.  And the fact that I really want that.  And just as we started talking a lot more again, he tells me he has a girlfriend.  Naturally!  I said that I was happy for him, and started dodging his calls.  It's not something I want to get tangled in.  Then he sends me an uncharacteristic message "Can I come visit you for a night?  I had a rough day and need a friend."  Of course I said yes, and then he went radio silent.  Three days after he said he wanted to visit, we connected over the phone.  His girlfriend broke up with him.  In Korea, where he went to meet her parents.  Because her parents didn't approve of him not being Korean.  And here he was trying to prove to her parents that he'd be good for their daughter.  He was writing them a letter.  He kept saying on the phone to me, "I'm not sure I can forget how she wanted to marry me one minute, and then just walked away the next."  So she broke up with him, and then they spent 24 hours flying back to the US on the plane together.  Where he planned on getting off in Chicago ...

He ended up not, and going back to Pennsylvania with her, but not as her boyfriend.  A week later she told her parents she wanted to date him, and he was asking me if he should give her another chance.  I didn't know what to tell him, so I told him that I couldn't answer that question.  I can't tell him who he wants to be with.  So when he said that I'd been a good friend and told me he wanted to come visit me in Boston.  I said maybe.  I told him not to read too into this ... but it's a little weird when guys visit me and they have a girlfriend.  He was offended a little I think, but I don't want to be confusing.  So now I'm waiting ... which I hate ... When did dating become waiting to see who wants to visit me in Boston?

286 Miles Down 29 Miles To Go

I don't care, I love it!

I've slowed down ... I ran two miles today.  It feels like I haven't done anything.  I forgot what "recovery" was like.  And today I had a lot to think about in terms of recovery.  Two days ago was the Turd's birthday.  I went back and forth and back and forth on if I should say something.  Until I realized, this is not something worth debating anymore.  I sent him a quick note, forgot that I saved his name as "He's A Turd" and as soon as I sent the Happy Birthday message, my phone popped up: He's A Turd.  I just started laughing.  We talked for a little while, but I felt like I could just keep him at an arms length.  It's been so long, and no feelings came back up.  We talked about his job, and how he's ready to move on from it.  He mentioned he had friends in Boston and they loved it.  Great!  I actually don't care!  That sounds terrible ... but I don't :)

I turned on the song, "I don't care, I love it!" and danced around my apartment for twenty minutes.  I'm so happy.

283 Miles Down 32 Miles To Go

New Years Resolutioners ...

The New Years Resolutioners have arrived!  I love this time of the year!  I never feel like such a bad ass.  I get on the treadmill and plan on spending thirty minutes on there.  Only 30.  In the span of thirty minutes, I outrun everyone else around me.  They are huffing and puffing and switching to walking.  I love the undergrad gym.  They're usually sitting around on lifting equipment pretending to lift as they fix their make up in the mirror on their phones or text someone else who is clearly more important than working out.  Today they were standing on the sides of the treadmill, wearing cotton (ew) ... and even talking to other people who were trying to run.  Who does that?  I started to feel like a bit of a judger, but at the same time, I'm so happy I'm not one of them ...

I've also started struggling with something that I haven't had since I started this challenge: shin splints.  So painful.  I've been sitting with ice on them at night and studying after I run.  Just when I get so close ... So close to the end ... and I have to be super careful.  So I treated this like a "break" from running.  I started getting everyone's advice on how to handle it ... I made dixie cups of ice, and increased the incline on the treadmill, and even made the decision to run less miles.  I don't want to get 98% of the way there and then do something stupid and end up back in the beginning.  But also, I want to run longer than the new years resolutioners ...

281 Miles Down 34 Miles To Go

First name: "He's A" Last name: "Turd"

I'm sick again.  And this time, I can't stop running or I won't make my goal.  I grabbed some Advil, drank a ridiculous amount of orange juice, and bundled up in seven layers for my 1.5 minute walk to the gym.  It felt like a run from one year ago, I kept checking the time and the minutes weren't moving.  I ran a nine minute mile again, and I was so winded.  No matter how much I wanted to stop though, I just didn't want to stop.  All I wanted to do is finish those three miles I set out to do.  There was this little runner voice in my head saying "Only two more minutes for this mile, you can do anything for two minutes." There was also a voice saying "Enough! Stop now! This is so silly! Why did you make this goal?!"  I'm completely exhausted, but I made it.  I have three weeks left to finish my mileage.  This last month, I'll need to run double the amount I should be running because I slacked off so much before.  And even though I'm sick, my nose is running, I can barely breathe from minimal exertion, all I can think of is ... next year I should double my miles and run 630 miles.  Two marathons a month.  If I can do it this month, why can't I do it again.

There's one big thing that I have been overlooking in terms of all this "make myself happy for a year": religion.  Church has never really been fun, and it's always felt like sort of an obligation.  Have to get up early, have to get good seats, have to go every week and smile!  Today I went to a catholic church I've been thinking about going to since I moved here.  People were laughing the whole time, and I actually got something out of what he was saying.  Although it was hard to understand him because he didn't pronounce any "R's".  He ended the mass by spontaneously standing out of the traditional catholic script and saying, "There was an old lady who was on her fourth marriage.  I asked her, 'What does your husband do?' And she replied, 'He's a funeral director.'  I was a little shocked and asked her, 'What did the others do?' She said, 'My first husband was an investment banker.  My second one was a circus clown.  The third was a preacher.  And the fourth is a funeral director.'  I asked her, 'Why men with such diverse careers?' And she replied, 'One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!'  The whole congregation was laughing.  Was I really at church?  I'm going back here.

I also did something fun to make me laugh.  I got nostalgic a month ago (blame holidays) and texted the ex who I dated for four years.  I'm not really sure why.  He took a day to respond and sent his signature polite "How are you?" message in return.  He's great at telling me nothing but being very polite all at the same time. I told one of my good friends from school that I what I did and she said save his name as something ridiculous.  Something like "This person sucks."  So I saved him as first name: "He's A" and last name: "Turd".  Hopefully next time I think its a good time to be nostalgic, I see this and realize that it's a bad idea.  No one wants to talk to a turd.  I'm going to crawl into bed ...

278 Miles Down 37 Miles to Go

Hippopotamus

Today I had my second hospital internship interview.  I really want to be in one this summer, and I was thinking this as I walked into the last one.  As I was strolling up the sidewalk in my suit with my fancy Kate Spade purse, the man walking out of the building had literally just peed himself.  What am I getting myself into?  I had a great conversation with both BU alumni that I spoke with in my interviews.  One had exactly the same background as me, and wrote me a very very nice email telling me he though I should seriously consider the hospital for the next step in my career.  The second one told me if I didn't have an internship by March to call him and he would look for something for me there.  Definitely a step in the right direction ... especially because there are only a handful of internships at hospitals in Boston, all of which are super competitive...

I've also spent some time thinking about the Florida ex.  Last time I talked to him, he wanted to come up to Boston to visit.  He was asking about MLK weekend, which is next weekend.  When I mentioned it to him he said, "I can't that weekend, but I definitely want to talk about coming up."  It was his suggestion to come that weekend ... and I guess something must have come up?  When I thought about all the chemistry and things we had in common ... I forgot about all the arguing and things we didn't have in common.  We fought so much over everything that we had a safe word for fighting.  (Not the fun kind of safe word that most couples have.)  If we got too intensely arguing, I would say "Hippopotamus" and we would stop and take ten minutes away from each other to calm down.  He went from "I want to come visit you" to one word reply answers.  Maybe I gave him too much credit when I thought we still could work ...

275 Miles Down 40 Miles to Go

Back on the Table

I had a social jog today, and it's refreshing to run with someone.  I can finally hold a conversation while I run.  I don't think I've ever been able to do this.  When I was running in Europe with my professional runner friend, she mentioned people ask her how she always stays in shape.  She said, "Not going to the gym just isn't an option.  No matter what you think your excuse is, you can handle a workout."  She does nine days on and one day off.  It's freezing out, literally, and my friend and I have decided to go for a run next to the Charles River.

Around mile three ... I got a phone call.  Consulting company.  "Hey! You missed the application deadline for our summer internship.  Are you interested, and do you want to talk about it?  I can put your resume in still."  It's following me.  No matter what I do, I am constantly finding myself back in the face of consulting.  So here I was on the side of the river, in freezing temperatures, mid run, having an interview.  The whole point of graduate school was to get out of consulting, what was I thinking.  For some reason, I'm lured into the idea of a great salary, signing bonus, flexibility to live and move wherever I want to go, and the ability to move from health care client to health care client.  I'm also starting to realize, I have over $100,000 in debt.  I hate hate hate debt.  I can knock out a rather large chunk of that if I take my savings, my signing bonus, and start with a high salary.  This is what I'm thinking about as I'm talking with the consulting alumni about work life balance and the different types of health care projects he's been on in the past.  I'm actually starting to think it may not be so coconuts for me.  It's a great career, and I can do it.  I haven't been sought after like this in a while, and I want to be at a company that wants me there.  Also ... It would give me the experience I need in health care.

Consulting:  back on the table.

272 Miles Down 43 Miles to Go

2014: Blank Slate

Back in Boston trying to beat the jetlag.  I realized heading into the last month of my personal little challenge that I wasn't going to finish.  I had double the amount of miles to run because I spent October studying and drinking away my life.  So now I realized I needed to run double ... and since Christmas I've been running four mile runs at a time.  I have to double my running for a month, and I wonder if I could do it for a year?  Why not? I've got this far already ...

I was in a rush today so I cranked up the treadmill to a 9 minute mile, for two miles.  The gym was empty because none of the undergrads were back on campus and I had the whole thing to myself.  All I wanted to do was get in some miles, and move on to studying.  It didn't really even seem like I had done anything different except that I ran into the front of the treadmill less.  It's crazy how sometimes when you're ready to change, it just happens.  It just seemed silly not to, it was more of an effort to run slower than to just own it and move forward.  I'm not sure what big major change is coming for me, but I feel like I've cleared all the crap out of my life and I'm sitting with a blank slate.  Sometimes I get confused and go backwards, but I feel like I have a handle on it now.  So ... one to nine minute miles!!

268 Miles Down 47 Miles to Go

Five years ago I couldn't walk

I've arrived in Winterberg, Germany.  Home of the bobsled track.  Sometimes I need to take a deep breath, and tell myself that this is real life.  Somehow I ended up here, and it's much better than crocheting a boot sock.  So here I am running up the side of a mountain with two professional runners the day before I go to my first bobsled race.  This is by far the most beautiful place I have ever run.  I never thought I could become a runner, and now I was scaling the side of a mountain ... and liking it.

I finally told the other two girls they could race on ahead and they didn't need to keep up a 9 minute pace anymore.  After they disappeared in front of me, I stopped running and looked over the side of the mountain at the tiny town of Winterberg.  It was literally dead silent.  Two things came to my mind: 1.  I wonder what he is doing now.  2. Almost five years ago, I couldn't walk.  My five year anniversary of running into the trees is coming up in a few weeks.  Five years ago the doctor said, "It's going to be a really long time until you run normally again if you're able to do it."  Literally my whole life has changed since then.  That comment, and that experience changed my career, my relationship, my education, my friends, and drastically my body.  Running consistently and using that time to focus on putting more happy things in my life and leaving behind all the crap has really changed things for me.  I'm happier with my body, although I've gained a lot of weight.  I'm solid muscle.  I'm eating healthier, and I feel amazing when I wake up every day.  I've set myself up to work somewhere I want to be, and do something that will be improving health care for patients in the hospital.  I've finally left home and I know what it feels like to completely live on your own.  I've been single long enough not to miss my ex anymore, and I feel like I've finally realized that I'll be happier without him.  I've stopped lying to people telling them I'm dating someone when they ask me out, and I've stopped wasting time with guys who clearly wouldn't be a good fit for me.

Yet here I am at the top of a mountain in Germany wondering what my Florida ex is doing right now.  There was such crazy chemistry between us, I always felt like I was on a roller coaster.  He's the type of dominant type A personality, and over time, I slowly stopped pushing for what I wanted when it was different than what he wanted.  Somehow I became super dependent on him, and I just waited for him to make decisions.  If I made them, he'd disagree or want something else and they'd change anyways so what was the point?  Ten years after we started dating, we're still talking about dating.  We've lived in different countries, dated different people, loved and hated each other, and I still can't figure him out.  He wants to come visit Boston for a weekend, maybe spending some time with him will help sort through some things.

264 Miles Down 51 Miles to Go