"Me" Kend

Back to back outdoor runs, and I'm getting more hardcore.  Today I ran three 8 minute 30 second miles.  Without the restriction of the treadmill, I am flying.  Other than that ... I have made this weekend into a me-kend.  A phrase I can't take credit to (my friend's boyfriend Nick owns this copyright), but one I love love love.  After a long time of having a type A personality, I've finally accepted a truth about me.  I am an introvert.  I love going out and spending time with my friends, and then I need to be alone to re-cooperate.  I've had two weekends of crazy, run ins with boys, friends visiting, family visiting, and barely getting five hours of sleep a night, and I just want to sleep in, cook a fancy dinner for myself and clean my apartment.  Every time I take a personality test it says "slight extrovert" and somewhere in the definition it says that I am an introvert but push myself to be outgoing because my job demands it.  Maybe this is why I'm occasionally at odds with my job ...  Anyways, I feel completely rejuvenated and relaxed.  I ran, rearranged my furniture, cooked, cleaned, and cooked a delicious meal.  Weekends like this feel like vacations from the craziness that is the week.

<3 Mekend.

51 Miles Down 199 Miles To Go

Short Term and Long Term

... I can run!!  According to my surgeon, my foot basically didn't grow all the way (sort of like me ... I'm 5'1").  So it's most likely always going to hurt, but it's safe to run through the pain.  He gave me some serious anti-inflammatory medicine, and he sent me to get a "running analysis."  I think this is like a psychologist for running form.  So I put on my new Nike shoes and went for my first outdoor run.

Immediately I noticed ... outdoor runners are not treadmill runners.  They mean business, and they make it look easy.  For some reason when I run outside, it takes most of my focus and energy to look up and not stare at the ground in fear of tripping and faceplanting.  As I tried to look up at the skyline instead of down at the ground, I was getting lapped like crazy.  It took me a while to be able to focus on the Chicago skyline.  I think that's what I've been doing lately.  I'm getting so concerned with the next little steps that I haven't been able to see the bigger picture.  As soon as I was able to look forward, I got this side splitting cramp.  What is going on? Why does this happen?  I tried to just ignore it and eventually it went away, but holy crap it was miserable.  When I got back I risked receiving the news that I was dying (I looked it up on webmd).  Turns out I'm breathing to shallow, and not enough air is getting to my muscles.  I can't focus on the short and long term at the same time.  I guess I'll have to try to find some sort of balance / middle ground.

In this year of running, I have already made choices that will literally change my life.  When I approached the end of my run, I clicked my phone to check mileage and make sure I had reached a full three miles, and it returned a pace of a 9 minute mile.  I have never run three nine minute miles in a row before.

48 Miles Down 202 Miles To Go

Surgeons and Half Marathons

So ... I shouldn't be running.  I'm pretty sure my foot is still injured, and after how big of a baby I was last weekend ... I need to be off it.  There is this part to my personality that won't let me back off when someone tells me something is not possible.  It's a blessing and a curse.  Curse when my brother tells me something like "I bet you can't eat that whole three egg omelette."  Blessing when my boss says "That kind of idea isn't possible."  Every time someone says "You can't do that." I think "Challenge accepted."  And then I do it.  I think the first time I can remember someone telling me I can't do something is junior year of high school.  I came back with a schedule senior year that was packed full.  Calculus, Statistics, Physics ... blah blah.  I was taking 4 AP classes.  My mom looked at it and said, that's too much for you you won't be able to handle it.  Now ... My mom and I already didn't have the best relationship, but this made me angry.  That year, I was on the varsity dance team, president of NHS, accepted into four colleges, and got a 4.2 on a 4.0 scale.  The same schedule she told me I couldn't handle.

Now I'm facing the same dilemma.  After this ...

And this ...

The doctors told me running, among other things, would not be the same again.  I had been training for a half marathon when I fell, and they told me my legs were very strong, which may have helped my knee.  (I'm not sure how ... I broke two bones, one into the joint, and lost my ACL and LCL completely.)  I also broke my right leg off, and my left hip.  I like to tell people I was on a black diamond saving a baby with a grizzly bear chasing me.  I was catapulted into the air, but the baby was unharmed.  Not the case.  I was however super super lucky that I didn't hit any higher, if the impact was a couple inches up, I could have broken my spine.  Anyways ... When I started physical therapy I told my physical therapist I was going to run that half marathon race I was training for.  And after spending two and a half years seeing him three times a week ... still not running.  So, this year of running is a big "HA!!" to all the surgeons.

I'm going to the doctor to check out my foot soon ... I hope I can still run ...

45 Miles Down 205 Miles To Go

Smooth Sailing

And... When I first start smooth sailing... I injured myself.  I am not sure what I did to myself, but I'm pretty sure it is from running in old shoes.  The ball of my foot feels like it's on fire, horray!  I spent a good amount of the weekend with ice on my foot trying to make it numb enough not to hurt.  I finally caved and set up an appointment with the surgeon who fixed my ACL and took out all the hardware I had.  I'm absolutely frustrated, and I had an absolutely frustrating weekend.

The marine came into town again.  It was nothing short of a train wreck.  He'd let me know he was coming into town to visit a friend and wanted to stay at my place.  I was still upset that after the weekend visit, he still hadn't called to talk or catch up or just to say hello.  It took me a little bit to realize we had different expectations of what dating would be like.  When he got into town, he went to the bars with his friends and then came over after.  To be fair he invited me out, but I was home with an ice pack on my foot.  When he got to my house it was around midnight.  I had this horrible flashback of my ex going out with his friends all the time and then coming over afterwards.  It was one of my least favorite things about dating him.  He was a regular at a bar I had never gone to, because he had never taken me.  When I started to notice things about my ex like this, I should have left.  People don't change, and he didn't.  It was almost like the attraction to the marine just started leaving, and I couldn't get it back.  I was done.  We're just not compatible, time to leave.

I have some friends who can recognize immediately when a relationship isn't going to work, and they are done.  They can just pick up and move on.  It's fascinating to me because for some reason I just don't think that way.  That's where I need to be.  Oh ... And I need to go shoe shopping!

42 Miles Down 208 Miles To Go

Chivalry

Ugh.  My dad has ruined my life.  I think most of my friend's parents have given them enough scaring to have a personality, but not enough to mess them up too bad.  For example, when I was little, my dad would never say no to me when I would ask for something.  He would simply sing "You can't always get what you want..." Over and over.  Even today when I am in a store and they play that song, I leave without buying anything.  That is not a song you play where people are coming to purchase items.  But this is not what I was thinking about today.

He's made it so that I have ridiculous expectations of guys I date.  My dad cooks for me, buys my groceries, pumps my gas, opens doors, runs to the car to bring in my things, drops me off at the restaurant so I don't have to walk, let's me use anything of his that I need regardless of what it was, and anything else I ask him for he does.  It's awful, but it's the way I'm use to being treated from him.  When I go on a date and I don't get dropped off at the restaurant, I wonder why he is making me walk from the car to the front door of the restaurant.  I need someone to put my jacket on me when we leave, open the door, and make sure I'm happy.  Don't get me wrong, I fully expect to do the same thing for whoever I end up with, but I'm not use to dating someone who is this considerate.

Last week I went on the first good first date I've had in a long time.  I finally stayed for a third beer!  No escape route necessary.  He came downtown to me, he paid, he got me a cab, and we talked for hours without getting bored.  The one thing I'm a little on the fence about is dating someone before I leave, but it was refreshing to know chivalry isn't completely gone.

39 Miles Down 211 Miles To Go

Recovery Runs

I think what I did today would classify as a "recovery run".  The running definition is a short slow run that you do within 24 hours of a long tough run.  I know four miles doesn't exactly constitute a long tough run, but today I was tired.  According to the research I've done, recovery runs don't actually enhance the recovery process for your body.  But they are so commonly practiced there must be some benefit.  According to my googling skills, the benefit comes because you are tired.  When you begin to feel fatigue and you push yourself, this is when you start building your endurance.  Recovery runs build your endurance the whole time, because you are exhausted the whole time, and I was.  

I feel like I've had such a whirlwind of changes going on the past few months: Grad School, My Job, I'm moving apartments, I'm leaving home, I'm going to Africa, I'm dating, I'm running ... I'm exhausted.  I'm starting to get a little nervous to leave home for the first time.  I'm 27 ... The farthest I've gone for an extended period of time is Indiana, that's pathetic.  Although I'm ecstatic to be going back to get my MBA, I'm moving across the country.  It'll be the first time I can't just come home whenever I want.  I hate being nervous about something ... I feel like I can't sit still, but I'm so tired I just want to relax.  I need to treat this time like a recovery run.  I feel like with the more little changes I'm actively choosing to make in my life, the easier it will be for me to be happier down the road.  I can already feel myself getting happier.  Although I don't want to many any more changes and I'm exhausted from the big ones, I think this is when I really have the chance to make myself happy.

36 Miles Down 214 Miles To Go

What I learned from Green Beer

Second four mile run = Check.  This is the first time I've been running and had no physical struggle.  I could breathe, no cramps, I didn't check the clock every two minutes, no sneezing, no risk of falling off the treadmill.  I'm finally enjoying it!  This must be why runners run.  Plus I had a lot to think about today.

I sent my ex a note last weekend.  It was stupid.  Also a very mature adult conversation:

Me: "Happy St. Patty's Day"
Him: "Happy St. Patty's Day.  Hope you're having a good day."
Me: "I shouldn't have said that.  I want to take it back."
Him: "Consider it taken back."

I can't figure myself out.  For some reason, when I get drunk, I miss him.  I miss him like I use to when we were dating.  There is no way I want to be with him anymore, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why I missed him.  I don't understand why I'm having this feeling.  After an obnoxious amount of focusing on this, I think I'm starting to realize why I want to talk to him.  I miss dating my best friend.  He's not anymore, but I haven't started really dating yet.  I haven't talked to the marine since I went to see him (really talked to him - excluding text messages and gchat because that is not a real form of communication).  I felt myself being sort of rude to him and I think I'm starting to figure out what is going on.  When I went to see him last, we sort of naturally rushed into the physical piece, but weren't really getting to know each other.  I'm not the sleep around type, so that did not happen, but he is not my best friend.  I don't want to end up in another relationship where I am not sure I can see it going somewhere.  It's so easy to not focus on becoming best friends when the physical part sneaks in.  I think that will be my next group of changes.  My new mini goals.  No more getting wasted and talking to exboyfriends.  What's over is over, and it's that way because it didn't work.  Hold off on the physical, it's time to really get to know someone.  This is what I learned from Green Beer.

34 Miles Down 216 Miles To Go

Racing

Four Miles!!  This may not seem like anything huge, but for me ... monstrous.  This is the first time I've run this far continuously in over four years.  I felt like I could just keep going forever.  As soon as I hit 33 minutes (3 min warm up and 3 miles) I got so excited.  I started looking at the people next to me on the treadmills, and I was running faster and farther than them.  Yes this is a race, and I'm crushing them both.  I didn't even hit the wall today.  I've run 9 miles this week, and that's a personal record.  I feel like the rest of my time in Chicago is starting to feel like this.  I'm not bummed if I have a night with no plans, I'm excited because it rarely happens.  I'm not hitting walls making plans with friends.  I'm having the opposite problem, I don't have the time to see everyone I want to see.  I think sometimes when you go through a break up, it takes you a while to reconnect with all your friends and get close again the way you were before.  I'm a naturally introverted person ... So this took me a while.  But now I feel like there is no wall.  I just wanted to grab the person next to me on the treadmill and yell "I'm running farther than you!! It's awesome!!"  One change, well on its way.

Second pain in the a$$.  Work.  I can not stay focused.  Maybe I'm just so excited thinking about my next step, but it's like trying to pay attention to a tennis match.  I miss having a manager that pushed me and I learned from.  I want to be challenged.  I did something risky this week and applied for a job at a hospital.  It's process improvement inside a hospital.  Improving customer experience, quality of care, and the experience of someone extremely sick or injured.  Post graduate school, this is where I want my career to go, for personal reasons.

Four years ago I was in a skiing accident, and it was awful.  I broke both my hips and really messed up my knee.  After spending two weeks in the hospital, I know there is so much that can be improved.  I remember so many things that happened to me that made the whole experience a nightmare (aside from all the broken bones).  I remember laying in the hospital bed after the initial assessment hoping I would make it back to the cabin to sit in the hot tub.  I had fallen rolled and was stopped by two trees.  One tree to my hip breaking both of them, and my left leg wrapped around the other tree.  The surgeon came into the room and just looked at me and said "It's time to call your dad, we're clearing the operating room for you because we need to reattach your leg."  He started explaining all the damage I had done to myself.  My right leg was not attached to my body.  My left hip was broken.  I had shattered three ligaments in my left knee and broken two other bones in my knee.  I think he must have noticed the blank stare on my face because he started to draw a picture on the wall of where my leg had broken and come off my body.  Mid sentence I just burst into tears.  I was about to start a long long long rehab.  Today for the first time since then, I ran like before the accident.  That surgeon told me I would probably not run the same as I did before, but I'm going to show him now.

30 Miles Down 220 Miles to Go

Secret Society of Runners

6:00 AM Run, the week of spring forward.  I deserve something special.  I will settle for bragging rights.

It is amazing how much your attitude can change from a good kick in the butt of endorphin's.  Yesterday I was exceptionally crabby.  I'm not really sure why but I was just having one of those "I hate everything" days.  One of those days where you hear yourself say something and you're immediately like "That was a horrible thing to say."  But you just can't stop it ... It's like word vomit.  So I forced myself up today to get a good long run in and get my attitude back to being closer to that of a normal person.

Last weekend I spent a lot of time doing family maintenance.  I'm not going to see them when I move in the next two years and my family can be a rather needy unit (I'm not saying that I'm not ... we all are), and seeing my friends who live outside the city.  I ran across someone while I was out who is also a runner.  He had the Nike Run App on his phone!  We started talking, and it's almost like there is some sort of "secret society" of serious runners.  Similar to smokers, but we're not taking minutes off our life and we smell like sweat instead of smoke.  We spent at least an hour talking about running, shoes, workouts, food, and everything in between.  When other people would come by and hear us talking about inclines, and how to lift and improve running they would all take an immediate detour.  I love it, all these new things are important to me now.  Eating healthy, getting myself in shape, recognizing when I'm being crabby and forcing myself to do something to change it, and there is a whole secret society of runners that do the same thing!  I think I'm going to sign up to run a race; I want to meet more people in this society.

26 Miles Down 224 Miles To Go

Climb The Wall

Today is the first run I really feel like I'm getting stronger.  I mentally prepared myself to do three miles and just forced myself not to look at the time.  The first time I looked down, I was half way done.  Breathing was no obstacle, and sweat was pouring down my face.  This has never happened to me before.  As soon as I snuck my first peek at the clock, I became tired.  How does that happen?  When I run I always set small goals for myself.  "Come on, you only have five minutes left, you can do anything for five minutes."  "If the people on Biggest Loser can do what they do, I can move for 20 min."  "If that lady could run a marathon pregnant and have a baby at the finish line, I can run three miles."  I'm always thinking, make it until that corner and I'll stop or make it through the next two minutes and I'll stop.

Every single time I run, I hit a wall.  Everrrryyyyy time.  I remember talking to one of my friends about this when he first started running.  He said he couldn't get more than a mile in.  If that's the case, then it's happening because when you hit the wall, you stop.  Quit stopping.  Once you make it over the wall you can run forever.

When I break down the giant wall in my way and give myself mini goals, it's unbelievably easier to get through it.  In the beginning my goal was done die, then it was breathe when you run, then don't fall off the treadmill, now it's get past the wall.  Everyone I know who has gone back to school has said to spend as much time as you can with the people you will miss.  Make sure they understand you are not going to have the same amount of free time.  I've also started a Chicago bucket list as mini goals.

1. Go to a Blackhawks game
2. Eat at big star
3. Spend a week on the beach
4. Eat at a vegan restaurant
5. Go to Alinea
6. Go to a fancy dinner date with my roommate from college
7. Go on the gangster tour
8. Go on the chocolate tour

I feel like I start out strong, and then something small happens like a facebook message or a snow storm and I get side tracked and stop.  So I'm filling the next few months with mini goals so that when I hit the wall I remember that I've already decided to climb it and finish what I am starting.

24 Miles Down 226 Miles To Go

Tangled

Today I was so sore ... I had to force myself to get moving.  I remember when I use to train for dance that when you were sore the best thing you can do is dance more.  Lactic acid builds up in your muscles and the more you move them the more it breaks up and untangles from your muscles.  Basically all this stuff gets stuck in your muscles and you have to work to get it out, or you can sit around and wait for it to go away.  I picked running.  I went against my better judgement this week and sent my ex a note.  My apartment is packed with his furniture ... and after exchanging a few messages I felt so much better.  He's going away, and I'm getting to leave.  I'm starting to feel like a broken record talking about him, and I'm wanting to get all this lactic acid out of my system and move on.

When I was in consulting, I traveled Monday through Friday (for the most part) and was use to being uprooted and relocated to a new state, new team, new project on a whim.  I spent three and a half years there, and I was in: Florida, Arizona, Michigan, Illinois, New Jersey, California, Ohio, Minnesota, South Dakota, and I'm sure I'm forgetting another one.  I'm not use to staying in one place this long.  I'm starting to feel like I'm leaving a project that I've been on for way too long.  I feel like I'm becoming disconnected and things that use to bug me I can't even remember anymore.  Bring on Boston!!  All I can think about is starting classes, lots of beer and seafood, a new apartment (with no old memories), leaving my job, and for the first time leaving my little midwest home (Chicago is not that "little", but I've been here pretty much my whole life ... so it seems small).  I feel like I'm untangling from all the things I get to leave behind and starting to get so excited for all the new things that will be happening.  No more sitting inside, I'm going to start knocking things off my Chicago bucket list, and letting myself untangle from all lactic acid built up in my life.

21 Miles Down 229 Miles To Go
1 Bikram Yoga

Bikram's Savasana Pose

Just when I think I've blocked all ping pong balls ... a friend tells me, did you see on facebook your ex is moving to Ohio?  I felt like someone punched me, all air escaped.  I felt like when we were together everything stayed in this sort of levitating middle ground never moving forward and never moving backwards.  Now he's moving forwards.  I freaked out, I wanted to run, but of course I'm in the middle of another Chicago Temper Tantrum snow storm.  I couldn't sit still, It was all I could do to focus on my work for the rest of the afternoon.

So I went to Bikram Yoga.  90 Minutes, 26 Poses, 105 Degrees, leaving you with barely enough energy to think about anything other than the placement of your limbs.  I started Bikram for the same reason Bikram started Bikram ... He blew out his knee.  I've had four knee surgeries, and I've used Bikram to help rehab myself and break up scar tissue after each of them.  It's a combination of compression and strength building exercises that push your body to its limits.  I'm pretty sure it is what got me back to running, I went without doing it for so long.

Today I was so anxious that I threw myself into class.  There are three series, standing series, laying down series, kneeling series.  During the floor poses, there is a pose in the middle called Savasana also known as "dead body pose".  It took me quite a while to be able to control my mind enough to listen to the teacher and take their corrections.  Today she said something that hit me, "Be still in Savasana, it's the only time your body can recover and receive all the benefits of the hard work you do during the other poses."  As soon as she said that, I realized ... I'm in Savasana.  I have four months left at my job, five months left in Chicago, one month to spend in Kenya, and then my life will be turned upside down.  I need to relax and let all the relationship work I did with my ex to make it work sink in.  I spent four years working hard to make it work, and now I'm resting.  I've seen that relationship so different over the past year, and I know over time it wont affect me the same.  However, I saw something on pinterest that said "I am not Adele, I do not wish the best for you, but I do hope to set fire to the rain and watch it pour down your face."  I'm not quite to the point wanting him to be happy and not being affected by him yet, but I'm just going to busy myself and try to enjoy this Savasana.

19 Miles Down 231 Miles To Go
1 Bikram Yoga

Magnets and Ping Pong

All I can think about today is the past weekend, so much happened my mind is spinning.  I needed to force myself into a long run to help me think through it all.  As soon as I accepted my spot in the class of 2015 at Boston University, I put myself on an immediate travel ban.  I have a habit of picking up and leaving whenever invited ... and it's expensive.  I've also decided not to lay any roots in Chicago that I can't leave behind ... a boyfriend.  This past weekend, I lifted both bans.  I impromptu booked a flight to visit someone I've had the most complicated history with.  We've been good friends ... forever.  Almost dated quite a few times, and been in horrible situations to start a relationship all of them.  We went to two different colleges, he joined the marines, I was in consulting, one thing after another that was always just enough to make dating a bad idea.  I'm not really sure how, but we always stayed pretty good friends. One thing led to another and I broke my travel ban, flew away and stayed for a weekend.  I haven't felt that magnetic-don't-want-to-walk away feeling in so long.  I was describing the weekend to one of my friends at work, "We stayed in and relaxed, we saw a movie, went out to lunch, went on a walking tour, stayed out drinking, went to church..."  Nothing extraordinary, but I was so happy.  I woke up Sunday morning to him bringing me breakfast in bed with two cups of coffee.  "Sugar in the raw and cinnamon?"  I miss being around thoughtful people.  I never told him that, he just listened the last time I ordered it.  

When he jumped in the shower, I started perusing facebook to see what was going on, and there it was.  1 New Message.  From: Ex boyfriend first name, Ex boyfriend last name.  All I could think, did he know where I was?  Does he have this "she's starting to be happy without me" intuition?  I'm sure he wouldn't have contacted me unless he had something insightful to say, so I opened it.  "Hi."  That's it.  I tried explaining my last relationship to my Marine who I was staying with, and the only way I could put it is that he was my best friend for four years, and we cared about each other a lot, but we never fell in love.  Somehow after we broke up, we ended up in this push and pull that I was actively choosing to end.  But I felt like I was playing a game of ping pong with 17 balls now.  I'm so glad that I'm dating in a world where to cut off your ex you need to block him on: your phone, your facebook, linked in, all four emails, and I'm sure there is something else I'm missing that will surprise me later ... Oh yeah, then I have to worry about seeing him in person.  We live down the street from each other, and we work an hour and a half away in buildings next door to each other.  

This is one of the hardest runs I've had.  I made a decision in the beginning to run three miles, and not stop when I got tired  but to stop when I was done.  I had to start breathing through my mouth I was so tired, something I know is a no no for running, but I felt like I wasn't getting any air into my body.  I couldn't stop the wheels from turning in my mind, I was so happy and so frustrated at the same time.  I couldn't think about either guy, because I thought I may pass out and fall off the treadmill, so I tried to breathe in every three steps and out every three steps.  This is a trick someone taught me to help me pace myself and not breathe so heavily I'm going to pass out.  

Right now I'm just trying to be careful... which is probably why I put myself on the dating ban in the first place, but I'm happy I lifted it.  As soon as I finished this run I felt a wave of achievement ... I'm not done making myself happy in the boyfriend department, but I'm not stopping because I'm tired I'm going to stop when I'm done.

19 Miles Down 231 Miles To Go