Arranged Marriages

I'm not sure if other girls operate the same way I do, but I for some reason always have a handful of guys I'm talking to.  I've somehow managed to find guys that I'd like to be with but for whatever circumstantial reason, I can't.  So I end up keeping in touch, meeting them randomly, and occasionally spending a few hours on the phone catching up.  I've always thought this was a good quality, but I think I'm letting it hold me back.  I'm keeping these tiny touch points of a relationship in the back of my mind, and I realized that I shouldn't do that.

One of my friends who I was traveling to Miami with me is from India, and he was suckered into listening to me and another friend talk about dating and guys for a chunk of vacation.  He finally blurted out, "Now I know why they do arranged marriages in India."  He said people go into arranged marriages with a completely different mindset than people who pick their own spouse.  They go into it knowing that they will have to make compromises to make it work for the rest of their lives.  Their spouse is chosen by their parents, they meet and usually "date" for a few months and decide that they want to get married.  It's completely different than in the US where we go into it thinking, "I'll make this work and worst case I will get divorced."  The funny thing is that the divorce rate for arranged marriages is lower than the divorce rate for non-arranged marriages.  It works ... You change the way you think about something, and you can drastically change the way your life turns out ... It's time to stop maintaining all these tiny touch points and let myself find one touch point.

336 Miles Down 31 Miles to Go

Alone Time

Today I ran in Miami!  I'm continuing to bring my runs to the most exotic locations possible.  I ran today with one of my good friends and his wife.  I use to think that working out was something that should stay completely out of a relationship.  I usually wearing loose fitting clothes, I have no make up on, and I believe that if you're not sweaty you haven't worked out hard enough.  So it's not always the most attractive.  After about a mile, the path we were running on was underconstruction and there was a detour.  Through the sand.  No one warned me that running in the sand was like running a marathon without training.  I consider myself in pretty good shape, but I couldn't feel my legs or breathe.  Something about running with someone though made me not want to chicken out.

I'm not sure why, but I always want my alone time.  I love being alone, and working out has pretty much been my steady alone time, not couple time.  It feels so good to have nothing to think about except for not tripping on a stick on the ground.  This past year I've gone through a lot, and I've felt some strange connection to my ex-boyfriend and I've not really been able to pin point why but I think I'm starting to understand that he was not the person who I should be dating.  Maybe if I was dating the right guy, like my married couple friends, I wouldn't need so much alone time.

This week I spent 24 hours driving from Boston to Miami in the car with four friends.  Friends don't replace completely dating someone, but I've had so much fun on this trip so far that it's doing a pretty good job distracting me.  I've been eating Cuban food, dancing, running on the beach, and just having a good time ... That's exactly what I moved across the country to find.

333 Miles Down 34 Miles to Go

Learn From My Mistakes

My favorite people are back at the gym!  Spring breakers!  Sweat suits and light jogging and stair climbers. Trying to sweat off a few pounds still smelling like booze from last night.  I miss undergrad.

My goal for today was to learn from my previous mistakes.  I keep pushing and pushing and pushing myself and getting stupid setbacks like shin splints or injured heels.  So I decided today not to over due it.  I've had three five mile runs in a row, which is something I've never done post injury.  I've also never done this pre-injury.  I've been working so hard that I am back to where I left off before I skied into a few trees.  I think I need to reevaluate how I am living and changing.  I need to learn from my mistakes, and not go back to the old habits I had that made me so miserable when I started this challenge.  I've worked so hard on identifying what they are, but now that I know what they are, I need to be aware when I am making those same mistakes again.  I can't keep re-connecting with exboyfriends.  What is done is done.  I can't keep considering a career that personally sucked for me.  I need to continue eating healthy and keeping myself in shape.

Today I avoided pushing myself two extra miles and risking hurting my knee again.  Now I just need to learn how to apply this concept to life and not just running ...

330 Miles Down 37 Miles to Go

Sustainability

I'm finally fired up, and stamina to keep up with it.  I ran five miles today, and I stopped because I was running out of time.  As soon as I finish this challenge, I want to run a half marathon.  I've been talking about it for years now, and it's time to buckle down, pick one and run it.

I've been shifting my focus towards a "buzz word" that is all around MBA world: sustainability.  I've been working so hard the past year to make tiny and drastic changes to my life, and I want to make sure I make them a part of my new life and not just a collection of random things I did.  I really need to untangle myself from the boys in my life and be able to meet a new one.  I can run five miles and I can keep up with all the things I've changed in my life.  I've noticed reading back through the "decisions" I've made that I can be a bit of a flip flopper.  I even got a bit annoyed with myself.  I always want to be open to new experiences and whatever twists and turns life throws at me, but for pete's sake sometimes you have to say no to things. Some things are just bad for you and you have to only let them be part of the past.  I've had such a hard time for whatever reason recognizing what pieces to leave and which ones to keep with me.

I've focused on three major areas: Boys, Jobs, and Health.  At least I've identified that I was miserable with my decisions in all areas before I started this challenge.  I narrowed down the three problem areas and am making tiny changes in all of them.  I really expected some big "Kablam!!" moment or something to happen to me like it does in books and movies, but it turns out my journey was lots and lots of tiny changes that brought me back to grad school in another state: going vegetarian (or clean eating), focusing on a career in hospital management, and choosing to be single instead of with someone I know isn't a good fit for me.  All things I'm frustrated with at times, but happier with now that I'm here.

I've been pretty good at eating vegetarian, watching my nutrition, finding new recipes, cooking at home, and it is amazing how much what you eat affects your mood.  I've worked my way through the professional network in Boston and found a job this summer doing hospital administration, which is perfectly in line with what I think my career will be.  So we will see!  I thing the source of my flip flopping is the boys.  Maybe this is where the big "Kablam" moment will come?  I have no idea ...

327 Miles Down 14 Miles to Go

Keeping it Charged

Today I was running away from something else frustrating.  I was in a team meeting, and I opened my email to see an interview invitation for the hospital I was targeting in Chicago.  The hospital I wanted to work at before I went back to school to get my MBA.  I applied as a random applicant who had no connections to the hospital.  I knew these interviews were very competitive to get, and I was so upset I closed my computer and walked out of the room.  I've already accepted an internship at the biggest hospital in Boston, doing exactly what I'd be doing in Chicago.  Arguably a better position, but I wanted to be home again.  I'm not sure why ... But I feel this crazy obligation to live next door to my family.  I am pretty sure if I try really hard I can get my sister or something to move to where I am.  We'll see, for now I'm getting ready for my first summer away from Chicago.  I'm inventorying all my Bostonian friends and collecting the ones who will be here to entertain me this summer.  I'm finding some good ones.  I'll put my Chicago hospital on hold for this. Who knows, maybe I'll end up liking it here more.

I also had a super weird interaction with the Nice guy last weekend.  We went out for a friends birthday, and he came over after.  We fell asleep at my house, and the next thing I remember is being woken up in a haze in the middle of the night.  "Hey ... Can you come lock the door behind me?  I'm gonna go home."  I woke up and he was gone, and I could barely remember this conversation.  Super strange ... He sent me a message in the morning and apologized ... but I'm starting to think we just aren't compatible.  I'm not sure why, but I miss the bickering.  I miss the joking, arguing, and making up.  It just doesn't feel as charged as I'm use to.  I need that shock that keeps me on my toes and keeps everything spicy and fun.

322 Miles Down 19 Miles to Go

Chronic Pain Management

This run was a cause for celebration.  I've broke through the four mile run habit I was stuck in.  Five miles, and I wasn't even tired.  I feel a little bit like someone lit a fire under me, and I just took off.  Something snapped and I not only wanted to move forward, but I just got up and did it.

I've been back in physical therapy for my back, and it is probably the most frustrating trip to physical therapy I've had.  I've had back pain for about five years now.  It started from sitting in a bed for six months and not walking.  I lost a ton of weight and most of the muscles in my legs which only made it worse.  I spent some time in physical therapy right after my accident focusing on my back, but it never really made any lasting impact.  It got so bad that I resorted to cortisone shots a few times.  The second time I got one, I turned on the news two days later and there was a meningitis outbreak.  Caused by a specific form of cortisone that was injected into the spine.  I was instantly convinced that I had meningitis.  After about four frantic calls to my doctor I decided taking three cortisone shots to the spine is not something I want to do on a regular basis.

I felt a little bad for the physical therapist that is working with me now when I went in for my first visit.  I am healthy, I work out 3-5 times a week, I've been in physical therapy for three years, and I have literally tried everything.  However ... still in pain.  "Structurally I should be fine" or at least that's what the doctor told me, and I just sort of gave up assuming I'd be in a mild amount of pain most of the time.  I don't want to be on drugs, and I don't want to be in physical therapy forever so I just deal with the pain.  The other day when I went in though, we didn't start with the normal spinal stretches ... But they wanted to talk.  Weird thing for a physical therapist.  She wanted to tell me that she understands what I'm going through, she had back pain for years after a snowboarding accident and that it did go away but it took a lot of work.  My other physical therapist (I have one and a student that works with him) wanted to talk to me about chronic pain management.

In general pain is caused by some kind of trigger.  With chronic pain your body can get use to it, and continue sensing the pain even though the trigger is no longer there.  The way they explained it is through Phantom Limb Syndrome.  Sometimes when people lose limbs they can still feel it.  The brain is so powerful that it can imagine a finger on your body when there is no finger on your body.

The moral of the story today, is that you have the power to reprogram the way your brain thinks.  Your brain associates pain with certain activities where it was always present, but you can teach your brain that the pain is gone.  If I can teach my back not to hurt when I run, I can teach my brain to stop feeling other pains too. It's time to start trying to manage my chronic pain ...

317 Miles Down 24 Miles to Go

Tiny Melt Down

My exboyfriend from Chicago has a new girlfriend.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  As soon as I found out, I jumped in the shower and cried for at least half an hour.  I just couldn't stop all the emotions.  He left to be on his own?  He left so that he could figure out what he wanted?  He hated that he was risking losing me?  And the worst part, I should not care at all anymore.  Why was I this upset in the first place?  I barely talk to him anymore ...

I handled this like any mature adult would.  I drank.  I finally told one of my friends what happened and why I was so upset and she rather bluntly said, "Does this even have anything to do with him?  Are you just upset that you're single and he's not?"  I'm not really sure ... but that does make sense.  A week ago I didn't care.  Knowing that he was dating someone else just solidified the fact that we were not ever getting back together.  We went back and forth for so long ... I think it just sank in that that was over.  I know its a good thing, and I knew it was over before I found out he was dating someone else.  But I couldn't stop that feeling that all my insides were twisted, so I distracted myself with drinking and dancing until I forgot about it.  I'm not really sure how I got on this emotional roller coaster.  And then I woke up in the nice guys apartment ...

312 Miles Down 29 Miles to Go