Chronic Pain Management

This run was a cause for celebration.  I've broke through the four mile run habit I was stuck in.  Five miles, and I wasn't even tired.  I feel a little bit like someone lit a fire under me, and I just took off.  Something snapped and I not only wanted to move forward, but I just got up and did it.

I've been back in physical therapy for my back, and it is probably the most frustrating trip to physical therapy I've had.  I've had back pain for about five years now.  It started from sitting in a bed for six months and not walking.  I lost a ton of weight and most of the muscles in my legs which only made it worse.  I spent some time in physical therapy right after my accident focusing on my back, but it never really made any lasting impact.  It got so bad that I resorted to cortisone shots a few times.  The second time I got one, I turned on the news two days later and there was a meningitis outbreak.  Caused by a specific form of cortisone that was injected into the spine.  I was instantly convinced that I had meningitis.  After about four frantic calls to my doctor I decided taking three cortisone shots to the spine is not something I want to do on a regular basis.

I felt a little bad for the physical therapist that is working with me now when I went in for my first visit.  I am healthy, I work out 3-5 times a week, I've been in physical therapy for three years, and I have literally tried everything.  However ... still in pain.  "Structurally I should be fine" or at least that's what the doctor told me, and I just sort of gave up assuming I'd be in a mild amount of pain most of the time.  I don't want to be on drugs, and I don't want to be in physical therapy forever so I just deal with the pain.  The other day when I went in though, we didn't start with the normal spinal stretches ... But they wanted to talk.  Weird thing for a physical therapist.  She wanted to tell me that she understands what I'm going through, she had back pain for years after a snowboarding accident and that it did go away but it took a lot of work.  My other physical therapist (I have one and a student that works with him) wanted to talk to me about chronic pain management.

In general pain is caused by some kind of trigger.  With chronic pain your body can get use to it, and continue sensing the pain even though the trigger is no longer there.  The way they explained it is through Phantom Limb Syndrome.  Sometimes when people lose limbs they can still feel it.  The brain is so powerful that it can imagine a finger on your body when there is no finger on your body.

The moral of the story today, is that you have the power to reprogram the way your brain thinks.  Your brain associates pain with certain activities where it was always present, but you can teach your brain that the pain is gone.  If I can teach my back not to hurt when I run, I can teach my brain to stop feeling other pains too. It's time to start trying to manage my chronic pain ...

317 Miles Down 24 Miles to Go

Tiny Melt Down

My exboyfriend from Chicago has a new girlfriend.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  As soon as I found out, I jumped in the shower and cried for at least half an hour.  I just couldn't stop all the emotions.  He left to be on his own?  He left so that he could figure out what he wanted?  He hated that he was risking losing me?  And the worst part, I should not care at all anymore.  Why was I this upset in the first place?  I barely talk to him anymore ...

I handled this like any mature adult would.  I drank.  I finally told one of my friends what happened and why I was so upset and she rather bluntly said, "Does this even have anything to do with him?  Are you just upset that you're single and he's not?"  I'm not really sure ... but that does make sense.  A week ago I didn't care.  Knowing that he was dating someone else just solidified the fact that we were not ever getting back together.  We went back and forth for so long ... I think it just sank in that that was over.  I know its a good thing, and I knew it was over before I found out he was dating someone else.  But I couldn't stop that feeling that all my insides were twisted, so I distracted myself with drinking and dancing until I forgot about it.  I'm not really sure how I got on this emotional roller coaster.  And then I woke up in the nice guys apartment ...

312 Miles Down 29 Miles to Go

He Doesn't Know He Doesn't Like Me

It's freezing out, and I wimped out and went to the gym.  The good old college gym. Much different than the macho muscle meat heads I'm use to working out with.  Here it's stretchy yoga pants, make up, and girls pretending to stretch while they bend over a knee and text.  Someone actually had her hair down while she was on a rowing machine.  Even the guys are pretty funny.  They lift one rep and wander to the drinking fountain.  Stand in front of the TV for a while and wander over to another machine.  I assume this is what it is like to work out hungover.

I've had a realization about dimples that I can't seem to let go of.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me, but he doesn't realize he doesn't like me.  That sounds very confusing, but it is actually very simple.  He would make these little comments, "Your place is kinda messy." After he'd come over and I didn't realize he was coming. He found a pair of jeans in my bathroom and said, "Oh you have pants on the floor.  Interesting."  I made a comment about not even having time to buy a bed skirt and he said, "Yeah I noticed."  So ... I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to date someone like me, I'm just not sure he realizes it because he keeps wanting to see me. There are some other odd things that have been happening, he seemed to share quite a bit of personal information with me.  Things I'm not sure I should know even if we were very close.  And there was a little bit of a red flag that he didn't have the best money handling skills.  Is that what dating is now?  If I think you may have a bad credit score, then I'm out?

I just don't want to ignore red flags again, and I don't want to spend time dating someone who I think will want to try to change me.  So ... I decided to do the mature thing and cancel Ikea furniture date and just be busy.  Honestly, I was actually very busy, but it was easier to tell him I was busy than to tell him that I think he doesn't like me and he's been kinda rude.

As soon as I told my dad this, he sent me this link.  He's talking about how texting has changed dating.  How you avoid situations where one person likes the other and we no longer have to have that awkward conversation. He thinks "You just pretend to be busy forever.  Why risk someone's feelings where you can create an alternate reality where scheduling is the problem."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiLaukbxQMs

228 Miles Down 87 Miles To Go

Call me maybe?

Four miles again ... Owned.  I'm so strong.  I was sore the entire run, but I did it.

I've been thinking more lately about the guy I was dating for a while.  Who has gone MIA.  After I spent the night at his place, I saw him again at a friends party.  He started doing things like taking hours to answer a text and finally dropped the bomb, "Sorry, I've been really busy."  Secret code for, "I didn't want to talk to you, so I ignored you and pretended to be busy."  It seems like I haven't been able to get on the same page with guys lately.  The ones hitting on me, I'm uninterested in.  The ones I've liked, dissipated for some reason or another.

A few weeks ago, I had a friend come visit.  She started sharing pretty personal drama, and we did the adult thing and ordered two martinis.  Five martinis later, we were talking what she called "word diarrhea."  We were over sharing, and nothing was off limits.  So much so that I woke up to a message from Carlie Rae Jepson (The one I was dating and spent the night at his house) that said "What does that mean drunky?"  Awesome!  On top of drunk texting ... i have developed a new habit. When I send a message I know I won't want to see in the morning , I DELETE IT.  Apparently I had five martinis and deemed it appropriate to tell him "Call me maybe."  This is exactly the impression I wanted to make on him.   If I wasn't sure of what I needed to do before, now I was.  When I first started talking to him he was going to extremes to see me, and being really aggressive.  And now, he's too busy to return a text.

So now, I think it's time to do one of the things I wished I could do when I was dating the marine.  When I realize it's not going to work and it isn't something I want: walk away.  I deleted his phone number, and I think it's time to just let this one go.

149 Miles Down 166 Miles To Go