They're Making More Everyday

Being that I was so close to my college ex who lives in Florida, I sent him a note to see if he wanted to meet up for dinner.  He replied, "Can I bring my girlfriend?"  Awesome.  I'm not sure why he didn't tell me, and I'm even more unsure why he thought this would be the best way to tell me.  I took off running down the side of the beach, actually looking forward to the sand patches today.  I wanted something thrown in my way that I knew would suck but I could take on.  I could barely breathe when I finished the sand patch, so I ran another mile.  My legs hurt so bad in strange places, I was discovering tiny muscles that I didn't know I had. Running on sand is the worst.  I got back and checked a picture that I had posted ...

... Sitting next to it was a picture of my Chicago ex and his new girlfriend.  His profile picture of them pops up every time he likes something I post.  And he has been liking things on my facebook ... Which I find mildly annoying.  It's hard to purge him from my memory when he does things like this.  I want to focus on sustaining the fact that I don't want him in my life anymore.  So I "unsubscribed" him from me, along with the Florida ex.  He won't see anything I say now unless he seeks me out.  I've been good at keeping him out of conversations with my friends here because I'd like him to stay in Chicago, but I mentioned it to my friend. She said so simply, "Great.  He can be with someone else.  She can have all the good stuff, but she's getting all the crappy annoying stuff you hated too.  Don't forget that.  There are a lot of other guys out there, and they're making more of them everyday."

Also after being down here, I've decided I want to be Cuban.  The food, the dancing, the careless fun!

340 Miles Down 27 Miles to Go

Arranged Marriages

I'm not sure if other girls operate the same way I do, but I for some reason always have a handful of guys I'm talking to.  I've somehow managed to find guys that I'd like to be with but for whatever circumstantial reason, I can't.  So I end up keeping in touch, meeting them randomly, and occasionally spending a few hours on the phone catching up.  I've always thought this was a good quality, but I think I'm letting it hold me back.  I'm keeping these tiny touch points of a relationship in the back of my mind, and I realized that I shouldn't do that.

One of my friends who I was traveling to Miami with me is from India, and he was suckered into listening to me and another friend talk about dating and guys for a chunk of vacation.  He finally blurted out, "Now I know why they do arranged marriages in India."  He said people go into arranged marriages with a completely different mindset than people who pick their own spouse.  They go into it knowing that they will have to make compromises to make it work for the rest of their lives.  Their spouse is chosen by their parents, they meet and usually "date" for a few months and decide that they want to get married.  It's completely different than in the US where we go into it thinking, "I'll make this work and worst case I will get divorced."  The funny thing is that the divorce rate for arranged marriages is lower than the divorce rate for non-arranged marriages.  It works ... You change the way you think about something, and you can drastically change the way your life turns out ... It's time to stop maintaining all these tiny touch points and let myself find one touch point.

336 Miles Down 31 Miles to Go

Learn From My Mistakes

My favorite people are back at the gym!  Spring breakers!  Sweat suits and light jogging and stair climbers. Trying to sweat off a few pounds still smelling like booze from last night.  I miss undergrad.

My goal for today was to learn from my previous mistakes.  I keep pushing and pushing and pushing myself and getting stupid setbacks like shin splints or injured heels.  So I decided today not to over due it.  I've had three five mile runs in a row, which is something I've never done post injury.  I've also never done this pre-injury.  I've been working so hard that I am back to where I left off before I skied into a few trees.  I think I need to reevaluate how I am living and changing.  I need to learn from my mistakes, and not go back to the old habits I had that made me so miserable when I started this challenge.  I've worked so hard on identifying what they are, but now that I know what they are, I need to be aware when I am making those same mistakes again.  I can't keep re-connecting with exboyfriends.  What is done is done.  I can't keep considering a career that personally sucked for me.  I need to continue eating healthy and keeping myself in shape.

Today I avoided pushing myself two extra miles and risking hurting my knee again.  Now I just need to learn how to apply this concept to life and not just running ...

330 Miles Down 37 Miles to Go

Tiny Melt Down

My exboyfriend from Chicago has a new girlfriend.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  As soon as I found out, I jumped in the shower and cried for at least half an hour.  I just couldn't stop all the emotions.  He left to be on his own?  He left so that he could figure out what he wanted?  He hated that he was risking losing me?  And the worst part, I should not care at all anymore.  Why was I this upset in the first place?  I barely talk to him anymore ...

I handled this like any mature adult would.  I drank.  I finally told one of my friends what happened and why I was so upset and she rather bluntly said, "Does this even have anything to do with him?  Are you just upset that you're single and he's not?"  I'm not really sure ... but that does make sense.  A week ago I didn't care.  Knowing that he was dating someone else just solidified the fact that we were not ever getting back together.  We went back and forth for so long ... I think it just sank in that that was over.  I know its a good thing, and I knew it was over before I found out he was dating someone else.  But I couldn't stop that feeling that all my insides were twisted, so I distracted myself with drinking and dancing until I forgot about it.  I'm not really sure how I got on this emotional roller coaster.  And then I woke up in the nice guys apartment ...

312 Miles Down 29 Miles to Go

Holiday Morning Runs

Well today's run was a strange one.  There's nothing like going back to the suburbs to realize that you didn't grow up follow the suburban triangle and end up living in the suburbs.  We have a 5K that is around the town I grew up in, and I ran it with my best friend from high school and her family.  (My sister was working, and I couldn't convince anyone else in my family that an 8:00 am run the day of Thanksgiving was better than sleeping in.)

My race today was sandwiched with awkward situations.  So I got to the race, went to pick up my race shirt, and my exboyfriend from high school's mom is handing them out.  I thought she might not notice me, so I spelled my name really quickly ... She looked up from her computer slowly and said "Oh I know you!" Excellent.  "Are you running this morning with anyone or did you come alone?"  Who asks that ... I just took my small bib and went back to the group I was with.  I forgot how different the suburbs were, I've been spoiled living downtown big cities for the past six year.

After the race, as I'm running to my car with a handful of baby cinnamon rolls, a coffee, and frozen water bottle, I run into the marine's sister.  (It's funny how people run a 5K, then they grab so many snacks at the end it's like they've never eaten before.  We burned maybe 300 calories, which is one bagel.  Anyways there I was with my handful of baby cinnamon rolls...)  I was so excited to see her I didn't see his whole family arrive behind her.  His mom hugged me, "How's Boston?!?!" "Have you been to DC to visit my son?!?!"  Eeeekkkk..... I guess he didn't tell her.

Sometimes it's a bit of a bummer to be single on the holidays, but the pluses are pretty sweet too.  I bought myself some great Christmas presents.  I think maybe I'll go on a trip somewhere ... Do something crazy.

232 Miles Down 83 Miles To Go

Living and Shit

I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed from my first week of school, that I picked my extreme for of exercise for this morning, hot yoga.  I love the feeling of really progressing in a pose that I have been struggling with for years.  I just needed to be in a room where I didn't need to talk to anyone, and I could focus on improving my own practice.  I also ... had no real plans for the day when I headed into class.

Today I kept thinking about the last few times I've done yoga.  When I realized my most recent ex was moving to Ohio.  I couldn't hear his name without feeling punched in the face.  I feel so indifferent about him now.  It's almost like the four years didn't happen.  I remember doing hot yoga in Ft. Lauderdale with my ex from college who I really thought I was going to marry.  I was escaping the pressure I felt from him with him on the mat next to me.  Who does that ...

It all seems so incredibly long ago.  Before I left Chicago, I had a conversation with the Florida ex.  I told him that I had an amazing weekend catching up with him, but there were some things I'd realized about me since we broke up.  I don't want to fight with anyone anymore.  And I don't want to be told no.  I know that to enjoy the weekend, I needed to do the things he wanted which is ok with me.  However ... I really don't think I'd be happy dating someone like that anymore.  I want to do things we both want to do.  I need someone who is open to my crazy ideas like snorkling or paddle boarding.  Just because I'd like to try new things.  When Ft. Lauderdale ex and I broke up, my good friend said.  "You can get back together with him if you want, but he's not making you as happy as you could be.  All the crazy adventurous things about you he doesn't support, and they are atrophying.  So you can be with him and I'm sure it would be fine, but I think you can be happier with someone else."

It's funny how the world seems to end after a break up, and now I can't connect to those old worlds at all.

When I left yoga, I had texts from three new friends asking me to get together.

179 Miles Down 136 Miles To Go
6 Bikram Yogas

Timing and Manatees

Today I was so frustrated thinking about this whole Recycling business, that I went to bikram yoga again.  90 minutes of stretching, thinking, trying to breathe, and this time just trying not to pass out and faceplant.  I've decided to revise my theory on recycling.  I do think that sometimes the relationship is right, but the timing is not.  I believe that can happen.  But I think recycling is dangerous, because people expect the other person to change.  And I really believe that they won't.  Seeing my ex from college again made me realize how much I missed having that crazy spark and can't-be-without-you feeling.  But I know that's not all there is to a marriage.  I've been told before you need to agree on three things to have a good relationship: Money, Sex and Kids.  People who get divorced always have one two or all of those things at the center of it.  So ... I think that recycling is only a bad idea if you think the other person will change. If you have learned to accept each other the way you are, and are happy with that it's not such a bad thing.  Maybe sometimes people need time to grow up before they realize what they really want.  After spending four years with someone who was indefinitely indecisive, my stomach twists into knots when I hear someone say "maybe."  I didn't realize that I wanted someone who was going to be so forward until I got so frustrated with the opposite.

So now, he's invited me to visit him in Florida.  I can't decide if it's a good idea or not.  While it feels so good to reconnect with someone who knew me so well, I don't want to forget about all the things that I haven't missed.  I also don't want to start falling for someone living in Florida, when I'm on my way to Boston.  I'm trying to be cautious and not over think it.  I just want to go have fun, but not do anything stupid by going.  Somehow naturally all these old feelings sort of start to come back to you, but I'm not sure if its something to ignore or something to pay attention to yet.  

I may go though ... because I really really really want to swim with manatees, which is right by his house... And I think Florida would be a fun sunny vacation ...

87 Miles Down 193 Miles To Go

2 Bikram Yogas

Recycling is Bad?

Since I've stopped eating vegan, runs have been so much tougher.  I didn't realized how much what you eat affects how you feel and performance.  I have decided to do my best to stop buying non vegan food, and keep those vegan meals around!  Needless to say, today was a rough three miles and I had a lot to think about.

I had dinner with an ex last night.  (Not the most recent one, but one from college).  He is in town for work and wanted to get dinner and catch up.  We dated for two years in college, and I loved that kid.  He was an a$$, but I didn't care.  I'm not sure why girls let this happen ... but we date the a$$hole as long as he pampers us.  It's funny how when you become single, ex's resurface that you haven't seen or heard from in years.  And this one is probably the only one I really loved.  We spent 24/7 together, basically lived together, and were even joking about who would be in our wedding party.  Then he got accepted to school in London, and the timing was just not right.  Six years later (now) he reappeared out of the blue in my city for dinner, and it was actually pretty good to see him after all that time.

After one good "catching up" dinner, he wanted to meet up again before he left to go home to Florida.  I know these are not "dates" but it's really hard to have dinner with someone you've only ever dated and never been just friends with.  Now all I can think about is what I like to call recycling.  (Dating the ex.)  I was such a mess after we broke up, that I swore him off.  I had such a good time seeing him again though, that I want to make sure I've sworn him off for the right reasons.  I'm already seeing big red flags that dating again would be a catastrophe.  For starters ... He lives in Florida.  His sister does his laundry.  He works late every night and on Saturdays.  I know people grow up and things about them change change, but one thing I learned from my previous ex is no one really changes.  I'm going to keep this all in my mind when I see him tomorrow.  I feel old now that dating has changed from "he's nice and buying me a drink" to asking questions like "Is he a workaholic?" "Will I still like him in 10 years?" "Is he going to pay enough attention to me and spoil me the way I want to be?"  "Does he want kids?"  Those aren't exactly conversation starters ...

87 Miles Down 193 Miles To Go