My Khaki's Drive My Car

I'm not sure if it's good or if I should worry ... but we started our curriculum in a two week one credit class: Ethics.  My professor actually said, "My students don't go to jail."  She was mostly joking, but also looked a little serious.  Aside from school, I am starting to love Boston.  While I was deciding to move to Boston, and I was going to get an MBA I was talking it through with someone.  I finally realized that I have to do this, because it will be a city and an experience that is mine.  Everyone in my family lives in Chicago, everyone seems to follow the same path I'm on, except this.  I still stick out a little bit ... But Boston is a strange and wonderful city.  Some lessons I've learned so far ...

1. You can, and are expected to cross the street at any time there is no car.  I pushed the pedestrian crosswalk button a few times, and people looked at me with these "Why would you mess up the natural flow of traffic by doing such a rude thing??"
2. The "T" (Public Transit) is just another hurdle in crossing the street.  They also apparently don't have to abide by traffic lights.  Actually ... Here red lights are more optional than I believe they should be ...
3. "Khaki's" actually can drive cars.
4. I guess leggings are pants?
5. Butt cleavage is totally acceptable in public.  I'm not sure these last two are a Boston thing ... as much of an I-accidentally-got-an-apartment-close-to-undergrads thing.
6. When you fight with people, its not necessarily fighting ... It's just another part of casual everyday conversation.  Banter expected.
7. Baseball attire, Red Sox specifically, is not reserved for baseball games.
8. Wicked is an adjective that can stand in place of almost any adjective.  It use to be a musical.

183 Miles Down 132 Miles to Go

Less Could be More

Ugh ... Group work ... There is nothing I dread more than a group of seven strong willed people trying to agree on something and maintain friendships.  After a two hour meeting, I needed to run badly.  I ran four miles and felt like I could have kept going forever.

I'm so incredibly happy I started running when I did.  It is always the same, and it always makes me feel better.  Every time, I put on my shoes, and running gear, prep my phone, and put one foot in front of the other, repeatedly.  No matter if I run one miles or six miles, I still experience the "running high."  Apparantly, this is part of what addicts people to running.  That incredible feeling of "I can do anything" you get immediately when you stop running.

I kept thinking today about our group meeting.  Seven people.  Four extremely engaged loud personalities.  Not a lot of room for compromise.  Two shy guys.  One seemingly indifferent, but always adding valid points.  I felt like we talked at each other for an hour and a half about an assignment that is ungraded.  There must be a better way to handle this.  I'm not sure why, but in undergraduate I always received amazing feedback from group members.  I feel like that is not so much the case here.  Before I set out on my run I sent an overly dramatic text a good friend:

Me: True of False, Group projects were designed to ruin your life.

Him: No one is dumber than the person that thinks they are smart.
Me: Thanks Buddha

Is it me?  It very well could be.  I think I'm smart and I have good ideas... Maybe I'm too aggressive.  I'm going to use this as a social experiment.  When we meet again Monday ... I am going to say as little as I can.  I'm going to switch to observing the situation and see how it works.  It's not how I'm use to acting in groups ... but maybe this group needs less of my thoughts all the time, and good thoughts when I really think they need to be brought up.

180 Miles Down 135 Miles To Go

Living and Shit

I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed from my first week of school, that I picked my extreme for of exercise for this morning, hot yoga.  I love the feeling of really progressing in a pose that I have been struggling with for years.  I just needed to be in a room where I didn't need to talk to anyone, and I could focus on improving my own practice.  I also ... had no real plans for the day when I headed into class.

Today I kept thinking about the last few times I've done yoga.  When I realized my most recent ex was moving to Ohio.  I couldn't hear his name without feeling punched in the face.  I feel so indifferent about him now.  It's almost like the four years didn't happen.  I remember doing hot yoga in Ft. Lauderdale with my ex from college who I really thought I was going to marry.  I was escaping the pressure I felt from him with him on the mat next to me.  Who does that ...

It all seems so incredibly long ago.  Before I left Chicago, I had a conversation with the Florida ex.  I told him that I had an amazing weekend catching up with him, but there were some things I'd realized about me since we broke up.  I don't want to fight with anyone anymore.  And I don't want to be told no.  I know that to enjoy the weekend, I needed to do the things he wanted which is ok with me.  However ... I really don't think I'd be happy dating someone like that anymore.  I want to do things we both want to do.  I need someone who is open to my crazy ideas like snorkling or paddle boarding.  Just because I'd like to try new things.  When Ft. Lauderdale ex and I broke up, my good friend said.  "You can get back together with him if you want, but he's not making you as happy as you could be.  All the crazy adventurous things about you he doesn't support, and they are atrophying.  So you can be with him and I'm sure it would be fine, but I think you can be happier with someone else."

It's funny how the world seems to end after a break up, and now I can't connect to those old worlds at all.

When I left yoga, I had texts from three new friends asking me to get together.

179 Miles Down 136 Miles To Go
6 Bikram Yogas

Mental Exhaustion

I live in Boston.  This tiny little sentence still hasn't sunk in for me.  I still feel a little bit like a nomad, as I'm currently living on someone's couch out of a suitcase, as I have been for the past month.  I can't wait to not be homeless... On the plus side, the running paths are incredibly more scenic than the one path I ran along in Chicago.  And today ... I really needed it ...

Networking ... I'd like to stop using that word immediately.  I like making genuine connections to people I would recommend and am friends with.  Somehow I feel like its driven by quantity and political gain and less by real friendship and connection.  I hope I am wrong about this, and things here prove my initial snap judgement wrong.

I am so excited to get to know my class better ... we have 40% of students who are international students.  So many new countries to visit!!!  So far, I've made friends from Panama, Egypt, Isreal, China ... Just to name a handful.  I feel like I'm finally addressing my need to embrace risk.  I got some new neon running clothes (risky for someone who believes in a world of black workout clothes).  Every run I've gone on since I got here has been different.  I want to run all over this city.  I've even thought about using this as a way to meet more people in my program (in a way outside of drinking and studying).  I talked to a few girls, and we want to start a running club ... Seems a little aggressive with graduate school on the horizon, but I at least want to run some races before the snow rolls in!

When I finished this run ... I realized that I don't remember the last time a run made me exhausted, tired, or frustrated that I couldn't push myself farther.  Now that I'm mentally exhausted ... I can run forever.  Who knew?

179 Miles Down 136 Miles To Go

Coke Pill Box

Today I am simply overwhelmed.  I have met new people over and over and over again.  So much that I am re-meeting the same people and it takes both of us a minute to realize it.  I'm in my first week of graduate school.  I live in Boston, and I'm a student again.  What am I getting myself into ...

We've spent most of our time so far on 'introductory' activities.  One idea that keeps resurfacing that I have fallen in love with is that "everything you learn overlaps."  For example we discussed the issue that it is so incredibly difficult to distribute health care and contraceptives in developing countries, but they all always have Coke.  Why does health care and distributing proper health supplies need to be in a separate industry as Coke?  Coke has already figured out how to get this product to this location, and health care should be capitalizing on that knowledge.  I remember discussing this with my uncle before I applied to graduate school.  He introduced the case to me, and said that someone developed a pill box that fit between bottles of coke.  So when the coke was distributed, it brought along health care.  I want to be discovering that.

I thought 100% that I wanted to work in a hospital when I graduated, and now I'm not quite so sure.  I don't want to get caught up in the hussle and bussle of what is popular or most sought after.  In my undergrad I was convinced that I was ment to be an auditor.  They made the most money, were the toughest jobs to get and majors to master.  I got confused between something that I was good at and something I wanted to spend my time doing.  Something I was passionate about to make a difference in.  As it turns out, I spent a summer doing audit work, and half way through I called my adviser and dropped every class I was in.  There were ten grown adults sitting in a room sending instant messages to each other instead of talking.  The people I was working with were so averse to actual communication that they would rather type and stare at a screen instead of make eye contact.  I was not ment to be an auditor ... I also learned, that just because my accounting grades were good ... Doesn't mean I should be in accounting.  So now I am here trying to sort out something that I enjoy so much that I will create a pill box that fits in between coke bottles.

175 Miles Down 140 Miles To Go

You Do You

I recently got back from visiting a very close college friend in San Antonio.  Whenever I visit her, I feel like I get all the uncertainty in my life sorted out and I have a ton of homework to make myself happier.  She is one of those people who is not content unless she is learning something new, and every time I am with her I am fascinated by all the new things she was able to soak in.  I remember in college when we were roommates I would go on and on about how much I really wanted to visit Italy.  I'm Italian, and I think I'll love it there.  One day she had enough and burst out, "Just go there! Just plan it and go!"  I was appalled.  And then I went.  I studied abroad in Florence Italy and learned to draw.

The first night immediately after I arrived we decided it would be a good idea to have a martini and catch up ... and then we had ten.  The newest thing she had learned is that ... you can live wherever you want to live.  She just decided one day she was unhappy with her environment, it was time to find a new one.  I'm not sure why I never thought of this.  If you don't like your city ... find one that has the things you like.  Cost of living, business opportunities, types of people living there, family friendly, out doorsey places, foodie towns, literally whatever you want to look for you can.  I have always pictured myself a midwestern city girl destined to be in Chicago.  But the truth is ... I hate (despite the fact that I just went out and had 10 martinis in one sitting) going out and getting "wasted".  I don't love how expensive everything is.  I hate with an undeniable passion city traffic.  I love Chicago so much, but could I find something that I love more?  Probably ... San Antonio has no traffic, everything is so cheap I felt like the richest person ever, tons of shopping, everyone is very community based, constantly full of outdoor activity.  My friend calls it "You do you."  You come here and be open and be yourself and everyone will accept you and have a good time.  Also ... The guys are different.  They open doors, they call you mam, they let you go in front of them, they get your coffee, they buy your drinks.  I love this.

It turns out, I don't have to change myself to adapt to the place that I live, I can change the place I live and be myself.  Now I have homework to research the city components that are most important to me, and perhaps I will search for an internship there.

172 Miles Down 143 Miles To Go

Spaghetti and the Black Hole of Grad School

Today I was thinking about how funny family changes over time.  My dad's family is 100% Italian.  All five brothers and one sister.  I have never experienced a more  boisterous energetic group of people as I have when the whole lot of us sit down for spaghetti dinner.  It's funny the group of us will go to extremes to have a homemade pot of spaghetti.  Somewhere along the lines, all their kids grew up (me and my cousins), and we stopped meeting several times a year.  Now for some reason, as we all get jobs and start getting in serious relationships, family becomes a priority again.  Sort of like how like when we are teenagers we rebel against our parents, then one day we become best friends again...

For my going away party I decided to try to break the habit everyone has established of dodging family party obligations.  I planned a Sunday dinner, made homemade spaghetti (three pots of the normal recipe ... ), and I invited everyone personally to come send me away to Boston.  We may all be busy, but if there is one thing we share a mutual love for ... It's relaxing, and eating spaghetti.  I wasn't really sure what I was expecting, but I was overwhelmed by how many people took time to come send me away!

I had personally emailed my aunt to make sure she knew her whole family was invited and when who I had seen earlier that week.  My cousin (her son) was preparing to go to Japan and teach English for a year.  He went in for a routine physical and the doctor discovered that he had thyroid cancer in his neck.  He immediately went through surgery and has a special diet lined up coupled with a chemo therapy treatment plan.  He turned his "Send off to Japan" party into an "I am beating cancer" celebration.  My dad, his girlfriend and I drove out and I was overwhelmed by how happy my cousins were to see me.  Why do we get so wrapped up in social obligations that we forget how important our families are?  As I was leaving, my aunt stopped me and said how happy she was that I came out.  She said that she wanted to apologize to me because she feels guilty looking back on my skiing accident recovery that she could have been there more for me.

I just started to realize how important my family is ... oddly enough just when I am moving across the country.  I'm going to make it a point to keep in touch as much as I can with my family once I am swallowed up in the black hole of graduate school.  It's so easy to take for granted the strongest support system you have!

168 Miles Down 147 Miles To Go

Growing Up

So lately I've been trying to see my family as much as I possibly can.  I've spent time with my dad, my brother, my sister, my aunts and uncles, cousins ... and just soak them up as much as possible before I leave for six months.  My mom has also been contacting me rather frequently.  She has always been a difficult person for me.  My parents divorced when I was in high school, and as soon as I was no longer legally obligated I stopped maintaining a relationship with her.  She's a person who has constantly been a struggle for me.  I remember her doing horribly manipulating things to me my entire childhood, and it was a relief to just stop talking to her once I made the decision to do so.

I remember asking her to make me breakfast when I was little and her saying "Poof!! You're breakfast!!" while she played backgammon or something of the sorts on the internet for hours on end.  I never was horribly neglected, but I would never treat my kids the way I grew up from her.  It felt like she was always using me and my life as a pawn to get things she wanted.  Like when she wanted me to live with her, she bought me new clothes, spoiled me with things she thought I wanted.  She got me dating someone who lived an hour away (close to her family) so that I would want to live by her.  I remember the exact moment I decided not to talk to her.  The boy I was dating got in trouble for selling marijuana on school property (I'm not sure what I was doing with him at the time...).  She immediately noticed that it would not look good for her to support me dating him anymore.  So she took it upon herself to call his mother and tell her that her son was requesting sexual favors from me.  WHAT?!?!?!  I realized then that she didn't care about me dating someone to make me happy, but she wanted to win a custody battle.  To be fair, I would have likely broke up with him when I realized what he was doing, I'm not an idiot, but it's a decision I should have made.  And she didn't need to call his mother and lie.

I have felt quite a bit more grown up lately, and I have been looking back on the ten years that I haven't spoken to her.  People always say things like "Oh I'm so sorry, that's so sad."  And I honestly am not bothered because I don't know what it would be like to be best friends with my mom.  I just feel like it is what it is, and I've moved on.  She has recently discovered that I'm moving and has been contacting me incessantly.  I'm not sure what compelled her after all these years, but I still have no desire to rehash something that has been closed for so long.  I just feel so much more independent now.  I haven't been under her thumb, and I love my life.

165 Miles Down 150 Miles To Go

Leaving

Today I feel like I just lost everything.  I gave up my car keys, my little sister will be driving my ladybug (my red Yaris) while I'm gone.  I also am officially no longer a resident of Chicago, and my apartment keys are gone.  I woke up early completely restless, and went for a run to clear my mind a little bit.  I hate running in the suburbs.  There's something about staring at tiny boxes all in a row with electric wires all over the place and views of grocery stores that just make it less relaxing.  I am almost always the only person out running, although I will occasionally find another woman in a matching sweatsuit walking vigorously.

The other day, as my sister and I were packing up all the final pieces from my one bedroom (which somehow filled a massive moving truck), I looked at my empty apartment and said, "I won't live in Chicago again after this." She laughed.  And then she said, "It is so hard to leave - until you leave.  And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world. That's a quote from John Green"

I'm not sure what I was expecting, flashing lights, dancers, sobbing friends, or what, but I thought it would be more "epic" of a moment than it was.  It really was the two of us saying "Did you get it all?" and closing the door.  And now I am here.  Ready to spend the next two weeks antagonizing my family until I move to Boston.

162 Miles Down 153 Miles To Go