Living and Shit

I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed from my first week of school, that I picked my extreme for of exercise for this morning, hot yoga.  I love the feeling of really progressing in a pose that I have been struggling with for years.  I just needed to be in a room where I didn't need to talk to anyone, and I could focus on improving my own practice.  I also ... had no real plans for the day when I headed into class.

Today I kept thinking about the last few times I've done yoga.  When I realized my most recent ex was moving to Ohio.  I couldn't hear his name without feeling punched in the face.  I feel so indifferent about him now.  It's almost like the four years didn't happen.  I remember doing hot yoga in Ft. Lauderdale with my ex from college who I really thought I was going to marry.  I was escaping the pressure I felt from him with him on the mat next to me.  Who does that ...

It all seems so incredibly long ago.  Before I left Chicago, I had a conversation with the Florida ex.  I told him that I had an amazing weekend catching up with him, but there were some things I'd realized about me since we broke up.  I don't want to fight with anyone anymore.  And I don't want to be told no.  I know that to enjoy the weekend, I needed to do the things he wanted which is ok with me.  However ... I really don't think I'd be happy dating someone like that anymore.  I want to do things we both want to do.  I need someone who is open to my crazy ideas like snorkling or paddle boarding.  Just because I'd like to try new things.  When Ft. Lauderdale ex and I broke up, my good friend said.  "You can get back together with him if you want, but he's not making you as happy as you could be.  All the crazy adventurous things about you he doesn't support, and they are atrophying.  So you can be with him and I'm sure it would be fine, but I think you can be happier with someone else."

It's funny how the world seems to end after a break up, and now I can't connect to those old worlds at all.

When I left yoga, I had texts from three new friends asking me to get together.

179 Miles Down 136 Miles To Go
6 Bikram Yogas

Take Your Brain With You

I did not imagine myself working out on my "beach" vacation, but I found myself in a much needed bikram class.  Turns out, I'm having a pretty good weekend.  I called him the night before I left and we talked for about an hour about the weekend.  His grandma was in the hospital and his mom was having surgery.  I think that's a reason to cut someone a little slack for being crabby.  He also caved and went to the beach, twice.  Both times the beach closed as we put our feet on the sand due to lightning.  It stormed all weekend.  I guess that's my karma for being so head strong on going to the beach.  So today instead of trying a beach, we decided to go to yoga.

Compromise is such a frustrating thing.  I hate it.  All weekend he'd been suggesting things he thought I wanted to do, but he didn't actually want to do.  So I was going along with it assuming these were all things he wanted to do, and I was wanting to pick the rest of the weekend.  Communication breakdown.  Now I remember why we fought so much when we were dating ... Once we figured out this was going on, it was a lot easier to get along.  I'm surprised and frankly, relieved, that he didn't once bring up dating.  I think I just prefer dating someone I have more in common with now.  I don't want to have to compromise ... I just want to be with someone easy going who is open to new things ... It took me three fights and a threat to stay at a hotel to get this guy to go to the beach ... I just don't want to have that type of relationship ever again.

He did bring up my most recent ex.  (Which is completely normal ... Every girl wants to talk to her ex about another ex ...) He dropped casually into conversation, "If he came back to you and said, 'I miss you.  I made a mistake and I want to be with you.' What would you say?"  While I've thought about this quite a bit, I never thought my only other serious boyfriend would be the one to finally force me to say it out loud.  I don't think I can ever go back to him.  When you're the right person for someone, I don't think they can just pick up and leave you.  I think if he was the right person for me, he wouldn't have been able to do that.  I honestly haven't thought of him in so long, that his question caught me completely off guard.
I was just happy that I was having a good weekend and finally after so many years getting along with my college ex boyfriend.  Although the temperature in Ft. Lauderdale was the same as the muggy 105 degrees bikram yoga room, I still had an awesome weekend.

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5 Bikram Yogas

The Page I'm On

It seems like lately whenever I feel like my life is starting to get frustrating, I get all my tension out through bikram yoga.  During my free time this week, I started reading.  Really reading.  I'm on my third book (and super tan from all this exhausting reading in the sun).  A good friend bought a book for me called "Happiness Project" which is a sort of memoir written by someone who discovered she wanted more happiness out of life.  Her thought was not to look back on the "good old days" and recognize them as good, but to do it while she was in them.  This seems oddly close to what I've been doing ...

I'm in this middle ground, where my career is lining up.  I love my friends.  I finally don't miss my ex-boyfriend, and sometimes I have to really focus to remember what he even looked like.  I understand why we broke up and that he felt like he needed to be on his own, and I want him to be happy too.  I just really don't want to see him again.  I love drawing, cooking, getting healthier, yoga, and all the things I've been doing.  I miss dating.  I am so happy I miss it!! A few months ago, I was dodging dates and pretending to have a boyfriend when I was asked out.  Now ... I just need to find someone who is on the same page as I am.  I guess I should figure out what page I am on first though.  I've always been sort of a serial dater.  I either have a boyfriend or I am seeing no one.  If it's not going to turn into a relationship, I usually let it be.  I think it's funny when you've gone out with someone a few times and then they are caught off guard that you want to be in a relationship.  What do you think dating is for?  I always think it's funny when people have been dating for a long time, and then someone is surprised that the other wants to get married.  Doesn't dating usually come before marriage?  I don't know many marriages that didn't start with dating.  If you're not going to get married ... why would you keep dating that person?  Sure it is fun, but it's also distracting you from someone who could be better for you.

I really don't think I'll ever have one of those 'whirlwind' romances where you meet fall in love and are married in a hot minute, but I need to get better at recognizing when I'm in a relationship if it's something I could be serious about.  I don't think in my last relationship ever thought about if he would be a good husband.  He was an alright boyfriend, and we had been together a long time ... So I never left.  But now looking back, I probably should have.  He was my best friend who I cared about a lot, but never fell in love with.  I was having too much fun dating him to realize we didn't want to marry each other.  Which is kind of liberating now ... It wouldn't have lasted.  So maybe that's the page I'm on.  I want something that will last.

127 Miles Down 123 Miles To Go

3 Bikram Yogas