Running Towards It

I need to knock off some serious mileage ... so today I resorted to the treadmill, which I've grown to hate.  It ... is ... just ... so ... boring ... and stationary.  I've been running literally, and running figuratively for over a year now.  I feel like I started this challenge to run away from things.  I have run away from a million different things, letting frustration fuel my progress.  I've run from exboyfriends, bad kissers, shin splints, boredom, crappy friends, rain, wind tunnels, work, homework, and the picture of what I thought my life should be now.

For one of the first times, I wasn't running away from anything today.  I was thinking as I finished one of my only five mile runs, that after this I only have 14 miles left to go.  I've started finding things I want, and then getting them.  I wanted my MBA, I want the experience of leaving home, I want to travel, I want to eat healthy, I want to be stronger, I want to work in a hospital.  There were so many things I wanted to do that I am no longer thinking about but I'm actually doing them.  It's just that easy ... I made a list of things I want, and then I did those things.  I don't feel stationary anymore, I feel like I've moved.  Literally, I have moved to Boston, but I feel like I've put a hard "reset" on life.  I love taking time to myself, running, and taking the time to process my day.  I also love how great my legs look now.  Who knew?

It's time to find some new things to run towards, like new vacations and exploring, the finish line of graduate school, my decision to pick a new career, finding a way to run more than five miles at a time, my next city, and maybe even a puppy.  So many new things to run towards ...

353 Miles Down 14 Miles to Go

Exactly How to Be Happy

I realize today that I've spent a year forcing myself to think about everything in my life.  I know I've spent a great deal of time focusing on dating, my career, where I live, how much I work out, what work out I do ... Everything.  I'm so happy I'm taking the time and energy to process things and internalize them.  But the biggest thing I've learned is to take it all in, learn from it, and then just let it go.  I've made lots of changes in my life over the past year, but I've really just reaffirmed what makes me happy and tried to find the path to be there.  A year ago when I started this mission, I was incredibly unhappy.  I remember sitting on a city bus on a rainy Chicago day explaining to one of my best friends from college, I'm going to fix my life by running. Thank God she didn't think I was crazy, I may have never done this.  I couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy, and it was probably a million things happening in my life all colliding together.  I'm 19 miles from the end goal, and I honestly don't think much of that has changed.  The only difference now is that I've learned somehow not to let if affect me.  Crap will always be a part of life, but instead of holding onto it, you can acknowledge it, forget it, and move onto something that will make you happier.

The less I've focused on things that upset me, and more on things that make me happier I've learned to shift my mood.  Nothing has ever changed my attitude as quickly as a long run and a good smoothie.  Two things I rarely did before this year started.  In the beginning I felt like I was trying to convince myself to be happier, and now I feel like I know exactly how to do it.

348 Miles Down 19 Miles to Go

Rip off the Band aid

Spending the week on a beach with some good friends was exactly what I needed.  I feel incredibly refreshed, and there is nothing like spending one week in a studio apartment with a bunch of friends to bond you.  I'm at the edge of my first year, and I literally can not believe how fast time is moving.

Last night I had a surprise visitor to Boston, Sex or No was here.  I had been so wrapped up in the sunshine and cuban food that I had blocked out anything that wasn't directly seeking me out at the moment.  I feel like I've been slowly moving on in my own time, and never really had that "jolt" or "push" a new relationship gives you.  As soon as you become wrapped up in someone new, all that history you were trying to forget about seems so trivial.  Almost to the point that I can't believe how much I thought about it before.  It seems like one day you need to stand up, decide its over, and rip off the band aid.  So I had a message from him to come meet him out, and I figured why not.  I really liked him when we were hanging out in Chicago, but we were just on two different pages and neither of us were settling enough to start a relationship.

As soon as we got a second alone, he kissed me and said "Can I come back to your house." Smooth move.  I've decided to answer the question very selectively, and it seemed like someone from Chicago who I wasn't going to see again didn't quite feel right.  It was really good to see him again, and I wish we lived closer, but I something felt off and I couldn't say yes.  So I told him I'd see him in Chicago and we left it at that.  I got hassled a little by my friends for turning him down, but I'm not sure how to say yes to that proposition and still show someone I want to be in a serious relationship.  So until I figure that out ...

I've also realized ... I'm going to have to run an incredible amount in the next few weeks to meet my goal ... But I'm getting much better at it ... Similar to picking boys ...

344 Miles Down 23 Miles to Go

They're Making More Everyday

Being that I was so close to my college ex who lives in Florida, I sent him a note to see if he wanted to meet up for dinner.  He replied, "Can I bring my girlfriend?"  Awesome.  I'm not sure why he didn't tell me, and I'm even more unsure why he thought this would be the best way to tell me.  I took off running down the side of the beach, actually looking forward to the sand patches today.  I wanted something thrown in my way that I knew would suck but I could take on.  I could barely breathe when I finished the sand patch, so I ran another mile.  My legs hurt so bad in strange places, I was discovering tiny muscles that I didn't know I had. Running on sand is the worst.  I got back and checked a picture that I had posted ...

... Sitting next to it was a picture of my Chicago ex and his new girlfriend.  His profile picture of them pops up every time he likes something I post.  And he has been liking things on my facebook ... Which I find mildly annoying.  It's hard to purge him from my memory when he does things like this.  I want to focus on sustaining the fact that I don't want him in my life anymore.  So I "unsubscribed" him from me, along with the Florida ex.  He won't see anything I say now unless he seeks me out.  I've been good at keeping him out of conversations with my friends here because I'd like him to stay in Chicago, but I mentioned it to my friend. She said so simply, "Great.  He can be with someone else.  She can have all the good stuff, but she's getting all the crappy annoying stuff you hated too.  Don't forget that.  There are a lot of other guys out there, and they're making more of them everyday."

Also after being down here, I've decided I want to be Cuban.  The food, the dancing, the careless fun!

340 Miles Down 27 Miles to Go

Arranged Marriages

I'm not sure if other girls operate the same way I do, but I for some reason always have a handful of guys I'm talking to.  I've somehow managed to find guys that I'd like to be with but for whatever circumstantial reason, I can't.  So I end up keeping in touch, meeting them randomly, and occasionally spending a few hours on the phone catching up.  I've always thought this was a good quality, but I think I'm letting it hold me back.  I'm keeping these tiny touch points of a relationship in the back of my mind, and I realized that I shouldn't do that.

One of my friends who I was traveling to Miami with me is from India, and he was suckered into listening to me and another friend talk about dating and guys for a chunk of vacation.  He finally blurted out, "Now I know why they do arranged marriages in India."  He said people go into arranged marriages with a completely different mindset than people who pick their own spouse.  They go into it knowing that they will have to make compromises to make it work for the rest of their lives.  Their spouse is chosen by their parents, they meet and usually "date" for a few months and decide that they want to get married.  It's completely different than in the US where we go into it thinking, "I'll make this work and worst case I will get divorced."  The funny thing is that the divorce rate for arranged marriages is lower than the divorce rate for non-arranged marriages.  It works ... You change the way you think about something, and you can drastically change the way your life turns out ... It's time to stop maintaining all these tiny touch points and let myself find one touch point.

336 Miles Down 31 Miles to Go

Alone Time

Today I ran in Miami!  I'm continuing to bring my runs to the most exotic locations possible.  I ran today with one of my good friends and his wife.  I use to think that working out was something that should stay completely out of a relationship.  I usually wearing loose fitting clothes, I have no make up on, and I believe that if you're not sweaty you haven't worked out hard enough.  So it's not always the most attractive.  After about a mile, the path we were running on was underconstruction and there was a detour.  Through the sand.  No one warned me that running in the sand was like running a marathon without training.  I consider myself in pretty good shape, but I couldn't feel my legs or breathe.  Something about running with someone though made me not want to chicken out.

I'm not sure why, but I always want my alone time.  I love being alone, and working out has pretty much been my steady alone time, not couple time.  It feels so good to have nothing to think about except for not tripping on a stick on the ground.  This past year I've gone through a lot, and I've felt some strange connection to my ex-boyfriend and I've not really been able to pin point why but I think I'm starting to understand that he was not the person who I should be dating.  Maybe if I was dating the right guy, like my married couple friends, I wouldn't need so much alone time.

This week I spent 24 hours driving from Boston to Miami in the car with four friends.  Friends don't replace completely dating someone, but I've had so much fun on this trip so far that it's doing a pretty good job distracting me.  I've been eating Cuban food, dancing, running on the beach, and just having a good time ... That's exactly what I moved across the country to find.

333 Miles Down 34 Miles to Go

Learn From My Mistakes

My favorite people are back at the gym!  Spring breakers!  Sweat suits and light jogging and stair climbers. Trying to sweat off a few pounds still smelling like booze from last night.  I miss undergrad.

My goal for today was to learn from my previous mistakes.  I keep pushing and pushing and pushing myself and getting stupid setbacks like shin splints or injured heels.  So I decided today not to over due it.  I've had three five mile runs in a row, which is something I've never done post injury.  I've also never done this pre-injury.  I've been working so hard that I am back to where I left off before I skied into a few trees.  I think I need to reevaluate how I am living and changing.  I need to learn from my mistakes, and not go back to the old habits I had that made me so miserable when I started this challenge.  I've worked so hard on identifying what they are, but now that I know what they are, I need to be aware when I am making those same mistakes again.  I can't keep re-connecting with exboyfriends.  What is done is done.  I can't keep considering a career that personally sucked for me.  I need to continue eating healthy and keeping myself in shape.

Today I avoided pushing myself two extra miles and risking hurting my knee again.  Now I just need to learn how to apply this concept to life and not just running ...

330 Miles Down 37 Miles to Go

Sustainability

I'm finally fired up, and stamina to keep up with it.  I ran five miles today, and I stopped because I was running out of time.  As soon as I finish this challenge, I want to run a half marathon.  I've been talking about it for years now, and it's time to buckle down, pick one and run it.

I've been shifting my focus towards a "buzz word" that is all around MBA world: sustainability.  I've been working so hard the past year to make tiny and drastic changes to my life, and I want to make sure I make them a part of my new life and not just a collection of random things I did.  I really need to untangle myself from the boys in my life and be able to meet a new one.  I can run five miles and I can keep up with all the things I've changed in my life.  I've noticed reading back through the "decisions" I've made that I can be a bit of a flip flopper.  I even got a bit annoyed with myself.  I always want to be open to new experiences and whatever twists and turns life throws at me, but for pete's sake sometimes you have to say no to things. Some things are just bad for you and you have to only let them be part of the past.  I've had such a hard time for whatever reason recognizing what pieces to leave and which ones to keep with me.

I've focused on three major areas: Boys, Jobs, and Health.  At least I've identified that I was miserable with my decisions in all areas before I started this challenge.  I narrowed down the three problem areas and am making tiny changes in all of them.  I really expected some big "Kablam!!" moment or something to happen to me like it does in books and movies, but it turns out my journey was lots and lots of tiny changes that brought me back to grad school in another state: going vegetarian (or clean eating), focusing on a career in hospital management, and choosing to be single instead of with someone I know isn't a good fit for me.  All things I'm frustrated with at times, but happier with now that I'm here.

I've been pretty good at eating vegetarian, watching my nutrition, finding new recipes, cooking at home, and it is amazing how much what you eat affects your mood.  I've worked my way through the professional network in Boston and found a job this summer doing hospital administration, which is perfectly in line with what I think my career will be.  So we will see!  I thing the source of my flip flopping is the boys.  Maybe this is where the big "Kablam" moment will come?  I have no idea ...

327 Miles Down 14 Miles to Go

Keeping it Charged

Today I was running away from something else frustrating.  I was in a team meeting, and I opened my email to see an interview invitation for the hospital I was targeting in Chicago.  The hospital I wanted to work at before I went back to school to get my MBA.  I applied as a random applicant who had no connections to the hospital.  I knew these interviews were very competitive to get, and I was so upset I closed my computer and walked out of the room.  I've already accepted an internship at the biggest hospital in Boston, doing exactly what I'd be doing in Chicago.  Arguably a better position, but I wanted to be home again.  I'm not sure why ... But I feel this crazy obligation to live next door to my family.  I am pretty sure if I try really hard I can get my sister or something to move to where I am.  We'll see, for now I'm getting ready for my first summer away from Chicago.  I'm inventorying all my Bostonian friends and collecting the ones who will be here to entertain me this summer.  I'm finding some good ones.  I'll put my Chicago hospital on hold for this. Who knows, maybe I'll end up liking it here more.

I also had a super weird interaction with the Nice guy last weekend.  We went out for a friends birthday, and he came over after.  We fell asleep at my house, and the next thing I remember is being woken up in a haze in the middle of the night.  "Hey ... Can you come lock the door behind me?  I'm gonna go home."  I woke up and he was gone, and I could barely remember this conversation.  Super strange ... He sent me a message in the morning and apologized ... but I'm starting to think we just aren't compatible.  I'm not sure why, but I miss the bickering.  I miss the joking, arguing, and making up.  It just doesn't feel as charged as I'm use to.  I need that shock that keeps me on my toes and keeps everything spicy and fun.

322 Miles Down 19 Miles to Go