The Page I'm On

It seems like lately whenever I feel like my life is starting to get frustrating, I get all my tension out through bikram yoga.  During my free time this week, I started reading.  Really reading.  I'm on my third book (and super tan from all this exhausting reading in the sun).  A good friend bought a book for me called "Happiness Project" which is a sort of memoir written by someone who discovered she wanted more happiness out of life.  Her thought was not to look back on the "good old days" and recognize them as good, but to do it while she was in them.  This seems oddly close to what I've been doing ...

I'm in this middle ground, where my career is lining up.  I love my friends.  I finally don't miss my ex-boyfriend, and sometimes I have to really focus to remember what he even looked like.  I understand why we broke up and that he felt like he needed to be on his own, and I want him to be happy too.  I just really don't want to see him again.  I love drawing, cooking, getting healthier, yoga, and all the things I've been doing.  I miss dating.  I am so happy I miss it!! A few months ago, I was dodging dates and pretending to have a boyfriend when I was asked out.  Now ... I just need to find someone who is on the same page as I am.  I guess I should figure out what page I am on first though.  I've always been sort of a serial dater.  I either have a boyfriend or I am seeing no one.  If it's not going to turn into a relationship, I usually let it be.  I think it's funny when you've gone out with someone a few times and then they are caught off guard that you want to be in a relationship.  What do you think dating is for?  I always think it's funny when people have been dating for a long time, and then someone is surprised that the other wants to get married.  Doesn't dating usually come before marriage?  I don't know many marriages that didn't start with dating.  If you're not going to get married ... why would you keep dating that person?  Sure it is fun, but it's also distracting you from someone who could be better for you.

I really don't think I'll ever have one of those 'whirlwind' romances where you meet fall in love and are married in a hot minute, but I need to get better at recognizing when I'm in a relationship if it's something I could be serious about.  I don't think in my last relationship ever thought about if he would be a good husband.  He was an alright boyfriend, and we had been together a long time ... So I never left.  But now looking back, I probably should have.  He was my best friend who I cared about a lot, but never fell in love with.  I was having too much fun dating him to realize we didn't want to marry each other.  Which is kind of liberating now ... It wouldn't have lasted.  So maybe that's the page I'm on.  I want something that will last.

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3 Bikram Yogas

A Risky Carrot

Week one of funemployment is wonderful.  I've read two books (in three days), with some of my newly discovered free time.  An idea that was discussed in one of them kept popping into my mind during my four mile run today.  Take risks.  We rarely do it.  It's so much easier to take the path of least resistance or the choice that is the simplest.  Life is hard enough, why would we do something that would make it potentially more difficult?  Since I've been running outside, I have EACH TIME run the same route.  I have run roughly 25 times on the same path.  I know exactly when the mile markers are, I know how tough it will be, and when I will get tierd.  There is literally no surprise.  I am achieving my goal in the least risky way possible.  

So today ... I took a risk.  I ate a carrot WITHOUT peeling it.  I'm a wild one, and you know what this is just the beginning.  I noticed today that I've always considered myself a risky person.  I've gone skydiving, ziplining twice, quit two jobs, backpacked, climbed a waterfall, lived in another country ... I feel like I've done things that other people hear about and respond "Gasp! You did what?!?!"  But the truth is ... I'm really good at taking calculated risks only.  I knew when I went skydiving, that Enzo (the stranger I was tied onto) had jumped over 10,000 times before he went with me.  I knew we were going to freefall 30 seconds, and float down three minutes and land on the ground.  There was no surprise.  Despite the fact that his advice to me was "Don't pass out, it's an expensive trip to the ground to miss," I don't believe I've done anything risky, and I'd like to try to change that ...

127 Miles Down 123 Miles To Go

Complex Labyrinth of Rules

I thought running outside was intense when I started doing it.  Running outside, in June, in Chicago, on the Lake, is intense.  I almost stopped after one mile, but I passed a woman running with a dog in a stroller.  A dog in a stroller.  If she can run, I can run.  I kept thinking about something my brother said over the weekend.  I've been trying to become vegan.  I've been making a point to be vegetarian.  This weekend for fathers day we were going to have a cookout.  Meals at my dads house generally include one very large portion of meat, and possibly chips on the side.  Last time I was there, we made burgers, hot dogs, beer brats, and no sides.  Not super vegan friendly ... So this weekend I asked him to get me a veggie burger:

Me: "Dad, can you pick up some veggie burgers for this weekend?"
Dad: "Oh right! I forgot you're doing that vegetarian thing. I'll get salmon."
Me: "Dad, salmon is fish.  It's not vegetarian."
Dad: "Ok fine.  I'll get a veggie burger.  Or how about something fancier, I'll get you crab cakes."

It is so hard to just up and change!  We ended up going to a restaurant, and I ordered something that had shrimp in it.  My brother proceeded to say "I'm vegetarian, I eat fish, I am vegan, I had a hotdog."  I didn't realize I was so wishy washy.  I think I'm using all these rules to try to shape what I want, to be in this case healthier, when I could just focus on eating fruit.  Occasionally cheating is ok, but time to stop downing bags of cheetos and giant bowls of pasta.  Instead of designing a complex labyrinth of rules that are designed to shape my life into the thing I want it to be, I'm going to change my perspective.  I'm going to decide what I want, and instead of focusing on what to cut out I'm going to focus on what to include more of.

123 Miles Down 127 Miles To Go

Sex or No?

Running sick sucks.  Running tired sucks even more.  At least I was tired for a good reason.  Just when I was writing this boy off as just a friend, he asks me to come over for wine and go see a movie.  As soon as I agreed to drive out to his house and meet him, I realized it's an hour away.  So ... If I am driving an hour, having some wine, and seeing a three hour movie ... I am either driving home really late, or I am in for a sleepover.  Which is a super comfortable thing to bring up to someone you've only seen a handful of times.  I haven't put my finger on what it is just yet, but there is something about him that I really like ... so I was not freaked out by the idea of a sleepover.

After a while, one thing started leading to another ... One question I didn't think I'd have to answer so quickly was Sex or No?  All these thoughts started racing through my mind.  Is it time for this?  I usually draw the line when sex comes into the picture, monogamous only.  Is he seeing anyone else?  Is this too fast?  I'm usually so good at saying no, getting up and walking away.  For some reason, I just didn't want to.  I'm not the kind of girl who just sleeps around, is he going to think I am?  If I'm happy and comfortable, does any of this really matter?  What about the fact that in two months, I'm moving to Boston?  I just want to have fun, be with someone I like, and see what happens.  So I am.  Why am I overthinking this so much ...

When I left in the morning ... I'd gotten three hours of sleep.  But when it came to sex or no, the answer was no.  And today on my four mile run ... I continued overthinking this.  I'm following my new mantra, just be happy.  I'm not really sure what will come of this next time I see him, but I'm happy.

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Everything is Nothing

Everything happens for a reason.  Everything happens for a reason.  Everything happens for a reason.  I'm not going to Africa.  The trip ended up costing much more than I anticipated, and I'm just not sure it's a good idea to spend that much.  I envy people who don't ever worry about money.  I guess this is just part of "putting myself through school."  I am trying not to think too much into this, because I'm still going to have two months off work.  I'm going to San Antonio, Minneapolis, and possibly Ft. Lauderdale.  I'm also going to live in Chicago for the first time in five years (despite the fact that my apartment has always been here).

When I called my dad to tell him he said, "You're deciding between two amazing options for the summer.  Either way you'll enjoy yourself."  I am starting to think that backing out of the trip because it got too expensive will give me more flexibility to see my family and friends more before I disappear into the black hole of graduate school.

Sometimes I'm really happy with everything that is going on in my life.  I'm getting ready to go back to graduate school, I have a great job, and awesome friends.  Other times, I see my friends buying houses, getting married, and starting families and I wonder if I would be happier doing that.  All my friends from small towns in Indiana are married and already starting families.  All my friends in Chicago are living like they are still in fraternities.  I think I am somewhere in the middle, and I just haven't found even ground yet.  It's kind of odd how when I look at them, I feel like I'm missing that.  When I talk to them, they sometimes seem jealous I can live downtown, go on trips, and have the freedom to pick up move across the country and start graduate school.  I think today I just had one of those moments where I realized, I'm glad I'm making some serious changes in my life because it needs them.

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It Is What It Is

Running sick is a bad idea.  I found this cute little quote that said "even a bad run is better than no run."  After today ... I disagree.  Sitting in bed not running would have been better than this.  If I were on a treadmill I would have been laughed out of the gym because I would have lasted two minutes.  I can't get better ... But I'm just sick of staying in so I went anyways.

I'm starting to get very very excited about the "Summer of Kim."  I'm spending a fill four weeks on my own in Chicago to do important things like yoga, laying at the beach, going to the farmers market and making dinner.  I will also have three weeks in August that I'll be homeless and need to find a friend who has a pool to live with :)

I recently asked one of my very close guy friends if I could stay with him and use his pool during the day and cook dinner at night to see him for a little before I moved to Boston.  ...He said no.  In a nutshell, he thought if I stayed at his place laying by the pool and making dinner, and he came home and was walking around in his boxers, we couldn't be just friends anymore.  What?!  I've always known that some of my guy friends have ulterior motives, and I would have expected this kind of response from them.  This caught me totally off guard.  I didn't even know how to respond.  It got me thinking ... Can guys and girls really be just friends? Some of the best relationships come out of friendships ... But how can you think of dating someone whose dirty little secrets you already know...  We are just friends now, and he's one of my very best friends.  I wonder if its because he'd say no to something me visiting for a week ... Or if he's just being a jerk.  His reaction was a little surprising, but it is what it is.  Accept it and move on ...

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Stop Living Through The Face of Your Phone

Ugh, I'm sick again.  I think I have no immune system.  I believe I'm also turning into sort of a baby ... I was invited out Friday and Saturday by the guy who I've seen a few times (who also got me sick ...) and had to turn him down.  Which sucks, but I slept most of the weekend, except for when I was running this morning.  It was my first organized run since I started tracking miles, the Color Run 5K!

It was absolute chaos, and there were no hard core runners but it was so much fun.  I ran it with my best friend who I met in high school, and she pointed out almost immediately, "I don't think it can be considered a hard core run when there are port-a-potties lined up on the race path."  Her and I had run together the Hot Chocolate 5K last year, and I was so happy because I know she hates running.  We ran practically the whole thing, she only slowed down once or twice towards the end.  In order to motivate her I kept reminded her of the pregnant lady who ran the Chicago Marathon and gave birth right after she passed the finish line.  My friend said it both motivated her and made her want to punch me.  I know she said that out of love. :)

While we were running, she said, "I'm really glad we did this because we've been able to actually talk." She works nights and weekends, and I work days ... So unfortunately much of our friendship is texting and trying to squeeze in dinner / breakfast when we can.  Luckily, texting and running is almost impossible so we had a full 30 minutes to catch up.  I have always despised texting, and people that think facebook communication is real.  Whenever I get a text that says "Hey Whats up?" I think uuuggggghhhhhhh, and usually reply "Let's get a drink and catch up."  I want to spend less time living through the face of my iphone.  Texting (insigntful things like "haha" or "ok")/taking pictures (that you will never frame)/videos and actually be with the humans in the room because I like my friends and I'm going to miss them.

The run we ran today was the "Color Run 5K" to benefit Special Olympics (an organization my little sister jack-of-all-trades has been volunteering at since she was in sixth grade).  This is probably the most unorganized organized run I've ever done, but it was so much fun.  There was one point where a girl dove in front of me (literally dove and almost tripped me) to get some extra orange color.  I'm going to try to bring my sister next time.  :)

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