He was Very Top Heavy

I am so happy right now I can't stand it.  I ran 32 miles this month, I ran 18 miles this week, and I am on target to meet my "marathon a month" goal.  This morning I ran my first race over a 5K, I ran a 10K.  I have never run six miles straight, even before the skiing accident.  I wore my medal and my race shirt all day.

At the beginning of the race (roughly 6:30 AM on a Saturday ... why do races do this to us?), my friend and I noticed a couple in front of us that was the most muscular in shape couple I'd ever seen.  She was telling me she should have trained more, and I mentioned, "I bet those two trained, they're going to kill us."  My friend and I did the first run at 12 minute mile, and then we separated.  For some reason, I became super competitive, and I just wanted open road in front of me.  I wanted to not see a herd of people, but I wanted to be first, and I ran 9 minute miles the remainder of the race.  At one point, very close to the end of the race, and for the first time I started forming thoughts other than "Pass that girl in the Ohio State Jersey...", and I noticed, I've ran 5.5 miles already.  My body became exhausted and I felt like I was going to just collapse.  I just kept saying over and over in my head, you did not run 5.5 miles to walk across the finish line.  It is roughly 5 minutes, I can do anything for 5 minutes.

Then I saw them!  The muscle couple, WALKING, exhausted on the side of the race path.  He was rubbing her back and looked like he may fall over at any moment (he was very top heavy ...) I lost all desire to walk, and I sprinted the rest of the way.  I beat them!

I never understood how amazing the feeling of training, working your ass off and being prepared can be. Time to extend this to other things in my life.  First stop graduate school.

159 Miles Down 156 Miles To Go

Chemistry and Compatibility

Not everyone wants what I want.  It's nuts.  It's a difficult concept to grasp that other people may be seeking happiness through other channels than I am!  I feel like this is a straight forward concept when your friend picks chocolate ice cream and you pick mint chocolate chip.  That's fine.  It's so confusing when they date someone you find obnoxious, or they take a job you think is stepping backwards.

My run today was consumed by a conversation with my ex who I visited in Florida.  The one I dated in college, and was flat out crazy about.  As soon as I left his car at the airport I had a message from him.

"I want you to enjoy every moment of grad school.  When you're done though, I would love to see if (maybe) we can be more than friends.  No bullshit."

After a bad bad breakup, I feel like girls always imagine this scenario.  He was horrible to me, one day realized he still had feelings for me, and I told him off!  I yelled at him, told him I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he should be so lucky to have another chance with me!  Except I didn't tell him off.  Maybe I grew up, or maybe I'm being stupid, but I've lost the desire to yell at him.  I'd rather think through this and realize on my own if he is or isn't right for me.  I'm not sure what will happen in school or with him, but I know that I don't want to fight anymore.  It was a week long argument that almost ended the trip for me to visit him over a terrible request on my part: I asked to go to the beach.  He's so stubborn when he's decided that something will be a certain way, that there is no way to talk about it without an argument.  I'm so much happier when I'm not fighting, or when I'm not forcing someone to do something they don't want to.  Now, it's not a matter of chemistry that I'm questioning, but a matter of compatibility.  We'd go out to dinner and he will only eat the five foods that enhance his running/lifting performance.  My dad taught me "Never cheat your stomach."  We would go out for ice cream, and he'd watch me eat it.  We'd get a glass of wine and he'd have two sips.  I feel like we are so different that either he's watching me do things I enjoy or I'm watching him do things he enjoys (shop ... ).  It may have taken me two years of dating, six years without him, and one weekend of reuniting to realize that I'm not sure he's someone I want to be with.

He got upset with his ex girlfriend because she let him work all the time.  She never "pressured" him to come home or go out to dinner.  I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to have to change someone.  If you don't want to be a workaholic, stop being a workaholic.  Don't rely on someone else to find out what will make you happy and wait for them to force you to do it.  I know you can't change people, and I know I don't want to fight with anyone again as much as I did with him.  So I think I'll just have to tell him, and let it be what it is.

153 Miles Down 162 Miles To Go

Call me maybe?

Four miles again ... Owned.  I'm so strong.  I was sore the entire run, but I did it.

I've been thinking more lately about the guy I was dating for a while.  Who has gone MIA.  After I spent the night at his place, I saw him again at a friends party.  He started doing things like taking hours to answer a text and finally dropped the bomb, "Sorry, I've been really busy."  Secret code for, "I didn't want to talk to you, so I ignored you and pretended to be busy."  It seems like I haven't been able to get on the same page with guys lately.  The ones hitting on me, I'm uninterested in.  The ones I've liked, dissipated for some reason or another.

A few weeks ago, I had a friend come visit.  She started sharing pretty personal drama, and we did the adult thing and ordered two martinis.  Five martinis later, we were talking what she called "word diarrhea."  We were over sharing, and nothing was off limits.  So much so that I woke up to a message from Carlie Rae Jepson (The one I was dating and spent the night at his house) that said "What does that mean drunky?"  Awesome!  On top of drunk texting ... i have developed a new habit. When I send a message I know I won't want to see in the morning , I DELETE IT.  Apparently I had five martinis and deemed it appropriate to tell him "Call me maybe."  This is exactly the impression I wanted to make on him.   If I wasn't sure of what I needed to do before, now I was.  When I first started talking to him he was going to extremes to see me, and being really aggressive.  And now, he's too busy to return a text.

So now, I think it's time to do one of the things I wished I could do when I was dating the marine.  When I realize it's not going to work and it isn't something I want: walk away.  I deleted his phone number, and I think it's time to just let this one go.

149 Miles Down 166 Miles To Go

Right Track

I found a new motivation to run.  In the past ... I have always run to be able to eat more cookies, or a second helping of pasta.  Now, It's to avoid homework.  I am not even in school yet, and I have homework that is due before the first day of class.  So today, I ran from homework.  I have roughly 40 hours of homework to do BEFORE classes start, and assignments to do and turn in before I have my first class.

It's been a personal goal to get my MBA for a long time, and I've always known it wouldn't be easy.  I am just enjoying having no responsibilities so much!  I spent two hours printing homework to study, reviewing emails, ordering textbooks, preparing documentation of vaccines, student loan amounts, financial need, etc.  After my printer had been running for three minutes straight ... I got overwhelmed and suited up in my Nike Gear and headed out for a long run to clear my head.  When I got back someone had sent me this article:

http://www.businessinsider.com/best-business-schools-in-the-world-2013-7?op=1

Boston University has been ranked top 10 MBA to receive in the world.  Before I knew it my eyes started tearing up.  What was going on?  My friends are crying over things like arguments with husbands, and babies, and promotions.  For such a long time, I wondered if going back to school was going to end up being worth it, and here was an article telling me point blank, "Yes, It's worth it."

Sometimes thinking about doing something that is completely outlandish is more difficult than actually doing it.  When I got home and started my finance homework, it wasn't nearly as overwhelming as I anticipated.  I know this is only the beginning though.

 

145 Miles Down 170 Miles To Go

Pizza Rolls to Famous Chicago Pizza

I am not really sure how I go through today's run, but somehow I managed not to melt into the sidewalk in a giant pool of water.  I realized I am running a 10K in less than a week ... and I am not use to running in the sun.  I'm going to die!!  What was I thinking signing up for a 10K in July in Chicago!!

I kept thinking today about something one of my best friends said to me over dinner the other night.  We've been friends for years, and she works nights and weekends while I work an opposite schedule.  We were out for pizza and wine downtown Chicago, and she looked up and said.  "Ten years ago we were eating pizza rolls on your bedroom floor.  Now we are both supporting ourselves eating pizza at a nice restaurant downtown Chicago."  As soon as I stop focusing on something big, I realize something big has happened to me.

When I got home from my run today, I looked around my Chicago apartment.  The entire thing is in boxes. Not only have I trained myself to be able to run longer and get stronger, but another big change is on the way...

141 Miles Down 174 Miles To Go

Take Your Brain With You

I did not imagine myself working out on my "beach" vacation, but I found myself in a much needed bikram class.  Turns out, I'm having a pretty good weekend.  I called him the night before I left and we talked for about an hour about the weekend.  His grandma was in the hospital and his mom was having surgery.  I think that's a reason to cut someone a little slack for being crabby.  He also caved and went to the beach, twice.  Both times the beach closed as we put our feet on the sand due to lightning.  It stormed all weekend.  I guess that's my karma for being so head strong on going to the beach.  So today instead of trying a beach, we decided to go to yoga.

Compromise is such a frustrating thing.  I hate it.  All weekend he'd been suggesting things he thought I wanted to do, but he didn't actually want to do.  So I was going along with it assuming these were all things he wanted to do, and I was wanting to pick the rest of the weekend.  Communication breakdown.  Now I remember why we fought so much when we were dating ... Once we figured out this was going on, it was a lot easier to get along.  I'm surprised and frankly, relieved, that he didn't once bring up dating.  I think I just prefer dating someone I have more in common with now.  I don't want to have to compromise ... I just want to be with someone easy going who is open to new things ... It took me three fights and a threat to stay at a hotel to get this guy to go to the beach ... I just don't want to have that type of relationship ever again.

He did bring up my most recent ex.  (Which is completely normal ... Every girl wants to talk to her ex about another ex ...) He dropped casually into conversation, "If he came back to you and said, 'I miss you.  I made a mistake and I want to be with you.' What would you say?"  While I've thought about this quite a bit, I never thought my only other serious boyfriend would be the one to finally force me to say it out loud.  I don't think I can ever go back to him.  When you're the right person for someone, I don't think they can just pick up and leave you.  I think if he was the right person for me, he wouldn't have been able to do that.  I honestly haven't thought of him in so long, that his question caught me completely off guard.
I was just happy that I was having a good weekend and finally after so many years getting along with my college ex boyfriend.  Although the temperature in Ft. Lauderdale was the same as the muggy 105 degrees bikram yoga room, I still had an awesome weekend.

139 Miles Down 176 Miles To Go
5 Bikram Yogas

Square Peg, Round Hole

First time I've run four miles in a row three times ever, and today's run felt short.

I'm trying to figure out how to get through the upcoming weekend.  I thought "Oh It'll be fun to visit."  "I haven't seen him in forever, we'll catch up!" "We use to be so close, I'm sure it'll be a good trip."  Turns out ... He hasn't changed.  I haven't changed.  We're still oil and water.  He use to joke when we were dating that we were a square peg and a round hole.

He asked what I'd like to do for the weekend ... And of course I'm thinking MANATEEEEEEEE.  However, they are roughly a 5 hour drive from his house.  Not enough research on my part there ... So I figured there are probably lots of other fun things to do.  Snorkeling, Beaching, Kayaking, Paddle Boarding, anything in the sun.  His one request, no swimsuit activities.  And I'm instantly reminded of so many things I had forgotten in the past six years.  We are so different.  He is so stubborn.  I forgot he hates the pool/beach/anything outdoors that isn't shopping.  The last time we dated we were in college.  The only activities we had available for the most part was studying, working out, or going out.  All of which we did together.  He tolerated going out, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have done it as much if I didn't make him.

So of course, I decide it'll be much better to tell him, I'm going snorkeling.  If you don't want to, I can get a hotel.  I'm already nervous that spending three full days is getting in way over my head.  He's instantly offended, and we are fighting before I even leave Chicago.  I talked to one of my friends about this and she basically told me to be open to the fact that he may have fun things planned outside my wish list.  I think I'll call him later and talk over the phone instead of the super personal text messages we've been exchanging.  I think I'm just use to doing what I want to do, and not having any conflicts.  Time to lighten up a little, and realize this is just one weekend.  I have the whole summer to myself.

I've also realized, my brain is on summer vacation.  My goal to run a marathon a month actually totals roughly 315 Miles.  My new goal.

139 Miles Down 176 Miles To Go

Kick them in the Face

Ask and you shall receive.  Run in the rain!!  I hate running in the rain ... Today I was determined to get out there though.  As soon as I got far enough away to be embarrassed to go home ... It starts pouring.  Not raining or drizzling, but pouring.  I was fearing for my iPhone's life.  I decided that getting in a run was more important than my hatred for wet squishy sneakers, so I wiped off my mascara and forced myself out from under the bridge and got four miles in.

I'm trying to catch up to get back on track to run a marathon a month, because I realized my two week vacation from running set me back a little.  There's something about setting a goal for me, that just makes me want to crush it and set a more difficult one.  I started out the year thinking "250 Miles seems like an impossible distance, I'll do that."  Then I started running 26 miles a month.  So I thought ... Let's ramp it up.  Let's run a marathon a month.  262 miles in one year.  I can do that.  It feels good to make goals for myself and then blow them out of the water.  I think part of the reason I got myself into the "great embarrassment of crochetting boot socks" moment is because I stopped pushing myself.  I was playing defense in my life.  So now it's time to play offence.  I will change my goal today, to run a marathon a month.  I will run 262 Miles in one year.

135 Miles Down 127 Miles To Go

I do what I want

I realized lately ... that I'm much happier when I don't do things I don't want to do.  I prefer to only do what I want to when I want to do it.  Today the weather was beautiful.  Hot, but cold breezy.  I relaxed at the pool all day to recover from bikram yoga.  I ran without interruption feeling amazing.

I'm not really sure how I got this way ... It's something normal people learn early in life.  But if I don't want to do something, I will literally put it off forever.  For example, I have lived in my apartment two years, and dusted once.  Because I had visitors coming.  Another thing I really hate is sharing.  I'm not sure but I feel like I shouldn't have to.  Whenever I have friends around, I have to consciously think about sharing with them.

I'm a little nervous about spending the weekend with my ex from college ... when I really dislike doing things I don't want to do.  I'm use to being on my own, and sticking to what I want.  I change plans at a flip because I feel like it, or turn off my phone and hibernate for a few days on a whim.  I remember when I dated him before, I would just do what he wanted to do.  It never bothered me at the time, but now I can't imagine doing that again.  I've decided preventatively that I'm going to have to be open to someone else's schedule... Bleh... I know I want to visit, and I want to have a fun weekend away from Chicago... So I'll have to let go of my plans and see where the weekend goes ...

131 Miles Down 119 Miles To Go

Don't Accept Clutter

A body in motion stays in motion ... A body at rest lays by the pool and occasionally flips.  That is exactly what I've been doing.  I've had problems lately like "I can't get sunscreen on my back, so I had to go out and buy spray sunscreen." or "I can't finish my beer laying on my stomach and my back is already tanner than my front."  Sometimes it's so refreshing to worry about silly small things like tanning and deciding between pizza or a hot dog.

Lately I've started to notice a separation between my good friends.  The ones that realize I'm moving, and the ones that don't.  (I realize how selfish that statement sounds...) I just want to see everyone before I go, and it's odd to see my friends split into these two groups.  I have some friends that want to see me all the time, and go out all the time and have a great summer.  Some of them ... go in early because they're tired, or make the silliest excuses.  I know that I handle this type of change differently than most people.  I want to soak up as much of Chicago and my friends and family here until I can't anymore because I live next door to Fenway Park instead of Wriggley.  I'm starting to realize who I am going to really miss.

I'm also realizing that this happens with dating ... As soon as I say that I'm going to school in another state everything fizzles.  And I'm not complaining that this is a bad thing, just noticing that it happens.  I'm not sure I'd want to try to date someone long distance unless I was already very close to them.  I don't like being in a situation and wondering if things would be different if I were staying here.  I think it's going to take me actually moving to get over that feeling though.  I was seeing someone a little, and I haven't seen him in a month.  We still keep in touch, but I hate the feeling that I'm chasing a boy.  I think it may be time to let that one rest.

The past few weeks, I've been focusing largely on eliminating one problem from my life: clutter.  I fully admit, I am a bit of a hoarder.  I have six coffee creamer containers on my counter because I may see something cute on pinterest one day.  I have thirty food magazines just incase I want to look for a recipe.  My closet is bursting full, and I have roughly seventeen blankets littering my apartment.  So this week, I threw away the coffee containers.  If I do eventually make a craft, I will have craft clutter, which will be more annoying than empty container clutter.  I cut out some recipes I thought I'd want, and ditched the magazines.  I have three garbage bags full of clothes to donate.  As it turns out, I love empty space!  I love it!  I love seeing an empty shelf ... I love seeing the floor.  I love the space in my closet, and the fact that I don't feel pressured to make pieces of clothes work that I don't really want to wear.

So ... I started thinking, if removing stuff I don't need, why can't I do this with other things?  I have some friends who I do things I hate doing just to see.  For example, spend a ton of money on a fancy meal that I didn't really want to eat.  Go see movies I don't really want to see.  Spend time doing things I don't actually want to do.  Why do we do these things?  It's time to cut out the crap.  I'm going to carve out more time to run because I loved doing it.  Well I didn't love doing it, but I loved being done with a long run, and it's been two weeks!

I also think this works with dating.  My college ex is back in Chicago ... Ah!  So I got dinner with him again, and he did something that frustrates me.  He paid for it.  I am uncomfortable with guys that I am dating doing this, but my exboyfriend doing it is even worse ... So after we had dinner, he asked me to dinner again.  And I said no.  The conversation quickly spiraled into ...

Him: "Please forgive me if I ask you to dinner again."
Me: "I'm not comfortable with you paying."
Him: "You're a student.  Get over it"
Me: "No.  I can pay for myself and I prefer to."
Him: "Tough cookies."
Me: "This is not a debate.  I will pay for myself or I am busy."
Him: "So sorry our schedules didn't work out."

Are exboyfriends clutter?  I was so happy once I got over him that I wasn't with him anymore.  He was constantly forcing me to be something I didn't want to be.  It happen subtly ... "I like when you don't wear t-shirts." "Why don't you go to the gym?" "Don't eat McDonalds." "Wear your hair in a ponytail." I trusted him, so I didn't notice it.  But the truth is, I hate being around people that won't let me be me.  Friends or someone I'm dating.  I think in the past I would have just gone back to my ex because he was there and "chasing" me.  I would have forgot about the guy who I actually liked.  When I know neither of those outcomes are what I would have picked.

So it's time to declutter my life a little bit more, and turn down things I don't want.

127 Miles Down 123 Miles To Go
4 Bikram Yogas